Relationship Wife Has Ptsd.

[grimlok]

Hello all,

I am JB, and I hope this is in the proper category. My wife has PTSD due to childhood abuse from her mother, a divorce between her mother and father, and who know what else. She expressed to me, to my detriment, that she feels like she cannot talk to me about how she feels because she feels I do not listen, or don't understand, or don't care.

I can definitely say that it's not for lack of caring, or listening, but I can say I don't quite understand what to do to help her. At least anymore than I have been. I listen to her to the best of my ability (sometimes I know I can be pre-occupied with something when she needs me..) I do really try to understand, I try to help her by shielding her from things that might cause her to be angry, or get stressed... I have started therapy with her. The bottom line is though that I guess I don't really understand. I never had to go through the things she has... I have had my own trauma in life, but I deal with it differently.

I really don't know what I'm doing here... it's just that she said it's so bad that she's thought of leaving me... and I really don't know what to do... I try so hard to support her.. but she is dead set in believing that I don't listen or don't care..

any suggestions?

JB.

 

[amethist]

Hi JB

Welcome to the forum.

I have moved your post to the supporters area, where we can support you and offer information and advice from a supporters view.

Start by reading the sticky notes at the top of different sections in this area, there is a lot of things that you will not have thought of that can help. Maybe then when she sees that you are trying to understand, she will change her mind about leaving.

You could also show her this forum, so she can help herself heal more form her trauma.

Remember to take care of yourself too, it is important.

Amethist

 

[Eleanor]

Hi JB, and Welcome to the forum!

As Amethist said, read around, especially the sticky notes. It is amazing how much there is to know about this stuff. All of what Amethist said.

Have you asked her what she wants you to DO when she talks? It seems kind of artificial at first, but it is hard to figure out what behavior "triggers" that feeling of "being heard" in some one else. My H and I are working on this right now. He finds that what he wants me to do is unrealistic about as often as it is do-able. And sometimes it is not do-able for me. So it is a very confusing issue for us. It helps to talk about it in ways that separate intentions (I always intend to listen to and hear and support him) and actions - I am looking at him (or not) touching him (or not) mirroring his communication...

So you might ask her what she wants you/you could DO that would demonstrate to her that you've really heard her?

 

[grimlok]

She wants me to understand exactly what she means when she expresses her feelings about her ptsd... but I don't know how to do that because I don't understand.

I try to put myself in her shoes, and I can see how someone could be so hurt, and so engrossed in that hurt, especially if it was ingrained in them as a child.. I have even expressed that to her, but she still looks at me as not understanding.

I really feel like she is being very unreasonable at times, and even selfish... but I also know that ptsd is like a pool of self that one is drowning in because of the hurt, the pain.... anyways.. It just hurts... I would never fathom ever leaving her, especially not for anything as petty, at least it seems to me, as not understanding her... especially if I am trying.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi JB, welcome to you. :)

I would keep reading, as Amethyst has said.

The only thing I would add from what you've said, and I agree with what you've said, is that there is a difference between hurt, and obliterated trust, etc, and current pain and confusion brought on by symptoms that may have their genesis in the past but are playing out full-force in the present. Does that make sense?

Your wife also probably would be shocked that you consider ptsd as a 'petty' excuse to leave her, as she likely thinks (especially as disruptive and never ending as it seems for a sufferer) as a 'deal-breaker'.

Try to be kind, patient, communicative, consistent, if you can.

Best wishes to you both.

Just one thing to add, not sure if it's helpful or applicable to your wife, just my experience.

PTSD can feel and be like a person trapped under a big tree, they may do the unthinkable and cut off a limb to escape.
Unfortunately, though your relationship is not the tree, if your wife isin that much pain, she may cut off or out much, in the hopes to alleviate it.

Most sufferers do not have a feeling or sense of 'tomorrow' or a future. That combined with real, daily stress and pain and an unrelenting requirement to deal with symptoms, can make a sufferer's actions appear non-understandable, or extreme, from the outside and to people who don't realize what it feels like.

Also why, for sufferers, there is frequently (what appears) to be a sense of urgency or extreme responses. To a sufferer they are not, because they've been dealing with it a long time (whether they've told you that or not), and they're frequently at the end of their own rope and want relief.

I'm sorry it is so difficult for you, hopefully therapy will help.

 

[ISupportHer]

Sorry it is so hard. I don't usually say I know how you feel, but as a married, male supporter, I think maybe I do. At least in some ways. Maybe just knowing you are not the only one, will help a little.

There are some books about the PTSD relationship that many of us have found helpful. Some listed in the resources here.

I don't have any easy answers. It is a long hard process. Things can get better. Things can get worse. And back and forth and back and forth.

One thing that helped me early on was to listen to the sufferers here. In an attempt to gain understanding.

I have said this several times over the few years I have been here. I came here specifically looking for other male supporters, thinking that if I could just talk to others with my same exact circumstances, then I would find the "answers". (Husband hunting, my friends here jokingly told me) What I really determined was that any one of us can not only learn from any other person, but help any other person. No matter what label. Talk, listen, share and learn.

ISH