Supporter Wife Of Combat Vet

[InfantryWifey88]

Hello all,
I'm new to the site. My husband suggested it as he uses the sister site for Combat PTSD. I guess I don't really know what to say...to him or on here. I guess I'll give a little background.

Background: My husband and I are h.s. sweethearts. We've been together total of 8 years now, married for almost 4 and we have a 2.5 yr old daughter. My hubs was deployed to Iraq from 05-07. He came home and everything seemed fine. He did a really good job of pretending nothing was wrong for a long time. He was diagnosed with adjustment disorder when he got home (always looking out and dodging IEDs/garbage bags on side of road, carrying gun everywhere, jumpy and anxious, nightmares, etc). He pleaded with his dr to not to diagnose him with PTSD because he feared it would interfere with his Army career as well as future law enforcement career. So the doc gave him the "all clear."

Currently: This year, things all started to change. He's had a couple major breakdowns and started to drink a lot more. I told him he needed to take a break from the alcohol and luckily he listened. He started to see a psychologist, but it was via TeleMed (like skype) and he hated it, so he quit going. He made the decision to go back now and I'm so proud of him. If your husbands/bfs are anything like mine, you know how stubborn they are and how much courage it takes for them to ask for help. He started medication today, so we are praying that everything will start to get back to "normal."

Me: The hardest part for me is that I don't know what to say or do around him anymore. I got used to him being "ok" (even though now looking back I see all the signs) and so now I don't know how to act. I feel like a stranger. I feel like crying everytime I think about him. I just want him to be ok ...I hate to see him suffering like this...and I hate myself even more for not realizing the extent to which he was/is suffering. I wish we could go back and just start from scratch (*wishful thinking*). His depression is wearing off on me...it's like when we got married, our two hearts became one ...and when his heart is broken, so is mine. I can hardly keep up with the housework, school, daughter, work...I have no ambition to do anything anymore. I just want him to be ok...it's taking all of my energy.

Help: If anybody has any input, advice or encouragement, I would sure appreciate it. Thanks for listening..er..reading? I know there are so many people out there that can relate to my story and I look forward to joining you in the healing process.

 

[myvetswife]

Welcome InfantryWifey 88

I know how you feel. My hubby was over 9 month in a clinic would that be an option for you?

 

[intothelight]

Hi InfantryWife,

Welcome to the Forum. There is an entire section for supporters and you will find many a kindred spirit. I hope you find the support that you need to help you deal with this disorder. It is tough on everyone.

Wishing you peace.

Debbie

 

[BigBear]

Hi Infantry Wifey 88,

I'm glad you are here. You've already made an impact on others here!:tup: I hope we can be as good to you!

Bear

 

[wife of]

Hi wifey, yes there are lots of us here in the same shoes. We all have the egg shells encrusted on the soles. Come and do a lot of reading in the supporters section.
Sue..fellow wife of...

 

[sisu]

Hello Inftantry Wife 88,

Welcome!! My guy has combat PTSD from his time in the Army too. Glad you are here - but not glad that you "need" to be here- Wish all these guys came home okay. There are lots of great people on here - with great insight. :)

Take care,
Sisu

 

[ProudWife99]

I just want him to be ok ...I hate to see him suffering like this...and I hate myself even more for not realizing the extent to which he was/is suffering.

No more of that. Well, who am I kidding we all do it, but give yourself a break lady! Take it from me, I KNEW my husband was suffering yet there was not a damn thing I could do about it. I could beg and plead for him to realize how unhappy he was and all he did was look at me with some distant stare and tell me he'd probably be happier without me.

He was lying. He knew it then and he knows it now. Your husband is not your child. Allow him to take responsibility for himself. Praise him when he makes the right choices and keep boundaries for when he makes the wrong ones. Do NOT take his illness on your shoulders or make it your responsibility. This will not help him.

I can hardly keep up with the housework, school, daughter, work...I have no ambition to do anything anymore. I just want him to be ok...it's taking all of my energy.

It is absolutely imperative that you begin to focus on you and your needs. Especially when he is unable to (and trust me, there will come a time when he is unable to.) When my husband and I go at it and then leave things unresolved I used to be completely useless at work or school. That only stressed him out more.

I cannot ease his pain. I cannot keep him from hurting or being angry. What I can do is take care of myself so he does not have to worry about me. Imagine how stressful it would be to want to heal so badly, but knowing the process hurts those we love so much. It is unfair and sometimes so frustrating, but you have to focus on you so that he can focus on himself for a while.

 

[Eleanor]

Welcome InfantryWifey88! :)​

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I second what ProudWife say. Especially with a little one, taking care of yourself is vital. And it is hard to accept that the PTSD belongs to the sufferer - not us. But it is their burden, and their task to heal. Your job is you and your little girl. If you jump into the hole with him, you will have to wait for someone to help you both get out. Stay out of the hole. How is your little one coping? If you are a reader the book recommended in the book section on PTSD relationships is really helpful.​

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If he hasn't tried EMDR or another exposure therapy - they can really really help. It can get better, a lot better! It is a long and difficult road - but there is hope for a happy outcome. You won't get the "old" him back - but here is the thing - you weren't going to get that anyway. People grow and change. That is the nature of the beast. PTSD just points us off at a different angle.​

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[InfantryWifey88]

Welcome InfantryWifey 88

I know how you feel. My hubby was over 9 month in a clinic would that be an option for you?

I don't know if he would be willing to be admitted at this point. Plus he's pretty much the breadwinner in the family so that would be pretty tough on finances. I guess we'll see how the medication/therapy goes and then move on from there. I'm open to the idea, but he's the one that would have to want to do it. If you don't mind me asking, what kind of treatment(s) did they do for him? 9 months seems like a really long time. Did it help your hubby out a lot?

 

[InfantryWifey88]

We all have the egg shells encrusted on the soles.

Wow, I love the way you phrased that! Perpetual egg shell encrusted soles!

 

[InfantryWifey88]

@ProudWife:

You are completely right. I need to stop with the defeatist attitude. I know none of this is my fault and there's nothing I can do besides being as supportive as possible at this point. And you're right that I need to take care of myself so he can focus on himself too. I really needed that reality check--thank you! I am going to talk to him tomorrow (finally, we both will have a whole evening together!). I'm going to try to do it without crying (I'm not normally a crier, but I am around him...and I know it really upsets him to see me cry). I'm going to tell him my goals for helping him in this journey starting with #1) taking better care of myself physically and emotionally...

How do I go about "not taking his illness on my shoulders." (Or rather, how do I avoid this...) Obviously I care a great deal for him and I want to help him however I can. And when he's damn near suicidal I feel like I have some responsibility as a wife to do something. I realize you're not telling me to sit on the sidelines and watch as he self destructs, but...could you maybe clarify this for me a bit?

 

[InfantryWifey88]

@Eleanor

It is definitely hard to accept that he's sick and that there really anything I can do about it (be a better wife, be a better listener, etc.. it's unrealistic to think that I could have done anything to change or prevent this from happening). It struck me today that PTSD is like any other illness (say, Cancer)...just because you can't see it, doesn't mean it's not there....some days the symptoms are worse than others....some people cope better than others..and most importantly, there is absolutely nothing that family/friends could do or say to make things go away. You just have to sit there and be supportive and wait....

My little one doesn't seem to be affected...(I don't think?) My husband is super patient with her (more patient that I am sometimes I think!). He hardly ever shows any of his anger/rage type symptoms around her, we don't fight (maybe 1-2 arguments a year I'd guess...if that) and if we do it's never around her, and he loves being a daddy (exploring the outdoors, getting messy, playing pretend, reading books......). I feel like she might be his saving grace. His job is kind of tough on family life (he's unscheduled part-time and works 12 hour shifts either 6am-6pm or vice versa....basically he could work 3 pm shifts in a row and have 1 "day off"..which is basically not a day off cause he spends it sleeping.. and then get called into work again for a couple am shifts...it really sucks). So the job thing is probably what affects her most I would say...since he's always coming or going, sleeping the day away or going to bed early... He did mention to me the other day that he felt bad that I shoulder most of the 'burden" of the childcare (since he values more "equal parenting") ...He apologized for being distant towards us lately and that he could tell it was affecting me and he figured our daughter probably notices it too. He also said I do a lot of picking up where he's failing and that I don't even realize what I'm doing (ie when she's taking a bath and he just sits on the stool in the bathroom and zones out. I'll come in after I'm done washing dishes/cleaning up after supper, see that her hair hasn't been washed, get her all cleaned up and start drying her off/brushing teeth before he even realizes what is going on. (Maybe I'll put him on KP duty and take over tubby time myself!!)

He hasn't done Exposure Therapy, but I have heard good things about it and I'm going to see if he'd be willing to do anything like that. Has your husband/bf had that kind of therapy?

You won't get the "old" him back - but here is the thing - you weren't going to get that anyway. People grow and change. That is the nature of the beast. PTSD just points us off at a different angle.​

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This is so true, and a really good way to look at things/perspective for the future.

Thanks for the recommendations, I really appreciate it. (And sorry about the long responses...I'm sort of long winded!!)