Eleanor
Diamond Member
No worries about long!
My H is doing EMDR - and it is helping ALOT. We haven't had a full blown two or three day dissociative episode in a few months now AND he has been under a ton of stress. He has PTSD from abuse in his childhood.
It is SO good that you guys don't fight in front of her. And that she is not a trigger for him. Inconsistency is hard on little ones, and since she is close to him, she can most certainly tell that he is "gone" when he is, and she *likely* thinks she is the cause of it. It might be worth a mention that "daddy is sick and when he gets that blank look" or however you talk about it, "it is not something you did/do that causes it, it is just his sickness.
Being on suicide watch is exhausting. Totally, and completely exhausting. AND your little one for sure knows something is wrong. If you can find a good play therapist to work with you/her it might be a good idea. We have fought in front of our daughter (when she was 2-4) before we figured out it was PTSD and he was in an episode. Now she gets really nervous/avoids him whenever he sounds angry. Little kids key off of tone more than anything else, and so whatever words you say - they are operating off of the tone. So I'd guarantee you she knows something is wrong with daddy and you are worried sick about it. The trick is to figure out how her little mind is making sense of this - and it is a little hard to do that if you are not clued into the little kid mind (which I have learned is a rather odd place.) You can't keep her in the dark (she is the worlds foremost authority on her mom and dad - it is her most basic survival skill) so the best thing to do is to play it through.
I guess I wouldn't take him off tubby time - as that is super time for him as well. It sounds like you are doing exactly the right thing.
The VA has a lot of people who do EMDR these days (at least around him) not sure how to get in to them without the PTSD diagnosis. Maybe you can ask around and find out who is good (military communities being what they are...) and then find a "back door" to get him into someone. It would, of course, be better if he got the official diagnosis (he is risking his buddy's safety, after all if he gets deployed with the illness untreated - it will get HORRIBLY bad again in theater) and got treated properly. That said it would be better if he just got the diagnosis and let the chips fall. Army guys are tough cases. You might point out that you worry about suicide, and that it is one thing if he gets killed in the field where everyone is trying to prevent it, and a totally different thing if he dies when he's home and leaves you and your daughter alone on purpose. Does he really want to risk that, Army career or no? Harsh, but the reality of the situation. There are lots of possible careers - and ones that will worsen the PTSD are not good choices now. That will have to change if you guys are dealing with reality and not with what you wish would be. That is the first hurdle and the toughest pill to swallow - acknowledging and accepting the new reality. The next is the hard work to start healing the PTSD.
My H is doing EMDR - and it is helping ALOT. We haven't had a full blown two or three day dissociative episode in a few months now AND he has been under a ton of stress. He has PTSD from abuse in his childhood.
It is SO good that you guys don't fight in front of her. And that she is not a trigger for him. Inconsistency is hard on little ones, and since she is close to him, she can most certainly tell that he is "gone" when he is, and she *likely* thinks she is the cause of it. It might be worth a mention that "daddy is sick and when he gets that blank look" or however you talk about it, "it is not something you did/do that causes it, it is just his sickness.
Being on suicide watch is exhausting. Totally, and completely exhausting. AND your little one for sure knows something is wrong. If you can find a good play therapist to work with you/her it might be a good idea. We have fought in front of our daughter (when she was 2-4) before we figured out it was PTSD and he was in an episode. Now she gets really nervous/avoids him whenever he sounds angry. Little kids key off of tone more than anything else, and so whatever words you say - they are operating off of the tone. So I'd guarantee you she knows something is wrong with daddy and you are worried sick about it. The trick is to figure out how her little mind is making sense of this - and it is a little hard to do that if you are not clued into the little kid mind (which I have learned is a rather odd place.) You can't keep her in the dark (she is the worlds foremost authority on her mom and dad - it is her most basic survival skill) so the best thing to do is to play it through.
I guess I wouldn't take him off tubby time - as that is super time for him as well. It sounds like you are doing exactly the right thing.
The VA has a lot of people who do EMDR these days (at least around him) not sure how to get in to them without the PTSD diagnosis. Maybe you can ask around and find out who is good (military communities being what they are...) and then find a "back door" to get him into someone. It would, of course, be better if he got the official diagnosis (he is risking his buddy's safety, after all if he gets deployed with the illness untreated - it will get HORRIBLY bad again in theater) and got treated properly. That said it would be better if he just got the diagnosis and let the chips fall. Army guys are tough cases. You might point out that you worry about suicide, and that it is one thing if he gets killed in the field where everyone is trying to prevent it, and a totally different thing if he dies when he's home and leaves you and your daughter alone on purpose. Does he really want to risk that, Army career or no? Harsh, but the reality of the situation. There are lots of possible careers - and ones that will worsen the PTSD are not good choices now. That will have to change if you guys are dealing with reality and not with what you wish would be. That is the first hurdle and the toughest pill to swallow - acknowledging and accepting the new reality. The next is the hard work to start healing the PTSD.
