Wish i could just get some rest/suicidal ideation

[Faust]

I've been having suicidal thoughts recently.

The holiday season is hard on a lot of us and it is true for me for reasons that led to my PTSD and related issues. I am currently in college and I am having trouble making it to class (I had this issue a while back when I first joined this forum.). This time it is for a hands on machinig class with a specific professor in a specific machining lab. Machines like those found in a tooling/machining lab are triggers, the way the room itself is built is a trigger, and the professor is eerily similar to someone so he too is unfortunately a trigger.

Earlier this semester, things didn't seem as bad. Either things got worse as the holidays neared or it was bad but just gradually built up. I am at the point now that I am afraid to drive by myself to class out of fear of the suicidal ideation to avoid getting to class (The idea is that I would be better off dead than having to relive what I went through in the past.) or I am afraid of what I might do to myself intentionally or unintentionally where I am so stressed and distracted in there and around potentionally harmful equipment. At other times when I am home, I feel so overwhelmed by everything that I feel like if only I could stop everything (as in if I were dead) then I could get some rest. Does anyone else ever feel like that?

I have been in touch with my therapist and psychiatrist. I saw my T today and he more or less told me what he has told me in the past, that I have been through worse and I can get through this. Nice words but I don't feel like it is all that helpful at this point. My psychiatrist has been adjusting my medicine over the past few weeks trying to get something to work.

I have missed maybe 3 classes of his (worse than it sounds. each of his classes only meets once a week). I emailed him to kind of explain what was going on. I didn't go into details but explained that I was having some issues with some of my medicine.

I only have one week after this one until Finals. The stuff for his class is all hands on and participation.

I have a lot of other stressors right now too that I am reluctant to list here as I don't want to sound too whiny and I am trying to be brief.

What would you guys suggest I do at this point?

 

[shatter eyes]

You seem to be carrying alot on your mind.

Meds take time to work. hope u pass exam. Studying is good distraction from self and also a good investment in self.

I wish i too can rest naturally away from the murder magnets and suicide sewers.

Avoid gluten and sugar for studying...it slows higher brain down and can let primitive brain run the emotional suicidal stuff.

 

[cupfish]

I went through this in college. It's horrible because you are being judged and graded and that, for me, is devastating because in my mind it's all Fs! Go to the Dean of Students. Explain your limitations, and since you are in T you clearly aren't BSing. My son had a panic attack yesterday during a final. He doesn't have PTSD but he has my biochem. :( He went to the Dean, and to the Health Center to go on record that he had an attack. Sigh. You are brave.

 

[JennaCaliforniaFires]

I'm debating whether or not to respond because I don't know what good I could say. I've found that a lot of things I find stressful really aren't that big of a deal in the grand scheme of life. It's so easy to get overwhelmed when there's a lot to do. When I feel on the brink of a panic attack I slow down whatever I'm doing and BREATHE. I prioritize a lot of responsibilities into lists and go down my checklist. What can't be done today goes to tomorrow. I don't know if that helps, but I hope it does.

 

[Dana1010]

At other times when I am home, I feel so overwhelmed by everything that I feel like if only I could stop everything (as in if I were dead) then I could get some rest. Does anyone else ever feel like that?

Yep, every night when I'm by myself lately. I saw a a book about suicide with "urge to die" in the title. I thought, that's odd. I don't have any urge to die. I have diminishing tolerance for the torture I'm put through everyday, and I'm feeling like suicide is my worst option except for all the others. It's just giving up what seems to be a hopeless fight. There's no particular "urge," necessarily.

My psychiatrist has been adjusting my medicine over the past few weeks trying to get something to work.

I've tried meds too. Nothing has worked. I've got a mood stabilizer now, let's see how that goes.

I went back to drinking too, after a couple of years of sobriety. Probably not the greatest choice, but I don't know what else to do to get a few hours of relative calm at the end of the day.

I am trying scents as a grounding/distracting tool. Perfumes, oils, scented lotions, etc.

 

[Lost Marbles]

I don't have any urge to die. I have diminishing tolerance for the torture I'm put through everyday

exactly, when I am suicidal, I do not have an urge to die, I just no longer have the patience to tolerate life and death seems to be the only available solution.

 

[shatter eyes]

Same here.
I have the urge to live and love.
When i am triggered or flooded i am broken down so low that death appears to be the only ideal destination, from this i look back at my cries for help as i continue to slip through a system that says i dont meet the criteria for public health resources. Death and hatred grows inversed to my urge to live and love.

I try hold on to a few good people hoping one day the storm will pass as i struggle not to lose my life as i continue to be stripped of my values and dignity.

 

[Juice]

the same here- good to not feel alone in these feeling s but it the same here