Wish These Thoughts Would Just Stop..

[skates89]

I have been a member for awhile here but didn't even realize it until tonight. I have so many issues with stress and trauma of the past. It seems with me to happen in relationships with people. For some reason if I am bullied or betrayed I will get shocked about it and then if I dont do something the trauma remains. It is very disturbing to think how sensitive I am yet what a tough life I had with fighting etc. I got a story but i don't know how to go about telling it. This is my first post. I don't have a counselor or take any meds although I do use a few of my moms meds. I really hope talking about my issues helps me because I have had a lot of depression lately and sadness at the loss of friends which I didnt want to lose. Sadness at hurts that caused me to leave relationships without saying a word why because I felt it would only add fuel to the fire and make the other person even happier that they hurt me. Man just writing this and seeing it like this makes me feel so stupid but its the truth about how I feel and whats goin on. I really dont know how else to explain what goes on with me but i do know I grew up in a tough neighborhood with a lot of tough kids and lots of fighting in my day. It seems like I was always at war with someone or something. I have had moments even days of peace but with my past it seems like i have hundreds of triggers. Its amazing I am still alive really after all the shit i been through. I hope someone can identify with my anxiety about this and correct me if I am going about my introduction wrong.. Thanks in advance Mike Long Island

 

[ladee]

Great first post @skates89! I understand what you are saying !!! It's pretty remarkable that any of us are here ! There is nothing to feel stupid about, you are sharing your feelings and that is a very large accomplishment. Have you considered Therapy ? Do you have a Dr that you see? Could you ask them to please help with the depression and anxiety? You have reached out. You are being heard. Please share all you need to. No judgement here and you are safe. You are not alone.

 

[skates89]

Thank you Ladee that made me feel a bit better just having you say that, I really appreciate that. I live by myself and I support myself with my own small business for over twenty years now fixing cars selling stuff on ebay. I pretty much brought myself up since my childhood, taught myself everything I know. Went to college even and got a BA. It is all pretty remarkable considering my childhood growing up in the bronx with an alcoholic dad and a mom that was nuts at times. I have accomplished a ton of stuff it is truly remarkable. I even taught myself how to play hockey, shinned shoes in bars and latter played very competitively in my 20s minor pro. Trust me when I say this shit is remarkable considering I did this all myself. My dad or mom never came to any games or supported me I was on my own. I dont know if its important I mention this stuff but I feel it is to get a picture of myself and get an idea why i find my mental health struggles to be a problem. I was able to do so much yet I cant control my thoughts, this is what bothers me. Im learning about myself right now as I type this. Does this sound strange or what. I have such a fierce will to live survive and win at any cost and so when I think of these issues I feel totally powerless and weak. Id like to say thank you so much for that reply. I will definitely consider therapy and i am willing to learn from all member here who know way more than I do. Im just learning about this stuff but I definitely feel better from your reply. Who knows maybe this will help me to change my life I am so alone with my thoughts and feelings everyday and I am glad i found a place where i can share them to find out if im not so unique as I think I am thank you again Mike

 

[ladee]

The feeling of weakness of not controlling thoughts and feelings , after many personal accomplishments, is normal. What you are feeling is normal. For us, that is normal. And happy to hear you are considering therapy. It goes faster when we have help. And you sound very ready to get this show on the road, so to speak.
You will be safe here, to share what ever you need to, you will not be judged, you will be supported and encouraged.
When the student is ready, the teachers appear... A Zen thing ! sending :hug:'s if you accept them. You are part of a very healing group of people....

 

[Chem Lady]

Hi skates89.
I know this is a very late reply. I only joined recently and I happened to come across your post.
I wonder how you're doing and where you are at in considering therapy.
I think it's great that you shared some of your story on this site. It can be a great place to do that.
Some of your story is similar to mine, so I have a couple of thoughts to add as you think things through about your life.
I too had tough times growing up, although probably for different reasons. However, I also wasn't cared for in the way parents are supposed to care. I signed myself up for teams, got myself to practices and games and I think one of my parents showed up once. I wasn't taken to doctors or hospitals when I needed, etc etc.. But I functioned very well. I shouldn't be as successful as I am. I put myself through school and got two degrees and I hold down a good job inspite of struggling with PTSD symptoms. I think that often, those of us who've taken care of ourselves and succeeded in life through sheer willpower are at risk for doing worse later. We feel weak if we ask for help. We think we should be able to fix ourselves with self-determination, but what I have found in life is that it takes a lot of strength to admit that getting help would be good and to purposefully look for that help.
Just as another side to the story, my brother, who experienced some of the same traumas I did (although he seemed to avoid some that I was handed), functioned ok until about 10 years ago or so. We talked together about our past and it helped him for awhile, but he refused to see a therapist of any sort and he now lives with such mental unrest that he barely functions. His marriage is constantly in risk of ending, he emotionally manipulates his daughters like our mom did to us, and he has nothing to give in a relationship. So much so that he couldn't even ask if I was ok when I told him I needed heart surgery. He is living as a mess and yet, getting (or not getting) therapy is his decision to make. So, his life is unpleasant for himself, and I've lost a brother. I'm sure there are other stories out there that are different than mine, but just take is as something to consider as you make your own decisions.