Relationship Wishy Washy Or A Part Of Ptsd?

[Esterio]

I've found my soon-to-be-ex has a very hard time with making decisions. He is willing to go along wit...

Thanks for the post grimalkin.
It is the cPTSD not him. The triggers it is hard to say where most of them come from, sometimes they just jump out of no where. Until they reveal themselves I don't know what will trigger me next. It could be some song on the radio. Maybe that song was just on my mind when I when though a traumatic experience years ago and now my brain just remember. I hope that make sense.
Sounds to me as he is suffering bad effects right at this time. He is suffering cPTSD so might be prolonged cild sexual abuse.( not saying it is) That is some of the toughest stuff to talk about. So I understand his defiantly not wanting to go to therapy. I am exactly the same I started therapy several years after my traumas ended. It absolutely destroyed everything in my life. As it was bring up all of this stuff I thought I had done enough drugs and alcohol to forget them. They came back to me like a steam roller.
It was another traumatic experience just going every time I went. That was 2 times per week 60 minute sessions. So I understand why he doesn't want to go he needs to some how realize that it maybe the only way to safely get some part of life back. I quit therapy around 17 years ago as it was going to kill me. In fact when I left home the last time I thought I would just go away and die. I didn't I'm still here In worse shape then ever.
The only thing I have going for me right now is a safe place live where I am left alone to work though this. I'm not living out in the bush at the end of a logging road any more as I did when I left home 17 years ago. If I do need someone they are not too far away.(100 feet to my neighbour. I don't disturb anyone when I have to crank my music in the middle of the night to stop my mind from racing. I' don't sleep much so I'm better off on my own as long as I'm like this.
I restarted therapy the same day I joined this forum was my 62 b-day and no one thought I would live pass 21 I fooled them. I only had 2 sessions and then my T called and canceled my therapy and would re book after the February 20th. That means I am with out for almost 5 weeks by the time it restarts. Hard to deal with as we had all ready lanced the boil every thing all came rushing back to me again.
So I have been trying to get some of it down on paper I have only get 1 event done so far that took 2 weeks or about. I'm not sure about time lines I don't remember dates for much I just think I do. Some one told me starting from the end or even the middle can be easier that starting at the beginning especially with child issues. My abuse started at 4 or 5 so your memories are vague at that age anyway. So I started some where in the middle. I have posted that event in Trauma Diary's (This Where I'm at Today) I hope you get something out of this. I sure did writing it. I'm getting long winded. I wish you both a lot of luck. I hope you find the answers you need.
Peace be safe

 

[Esterio]

Thank-you for all of your responses. I know this isn't the same but I remember a situation that was ve...

His ex sound like a piece of shit. writing is good. I am most likely getting more out of writing than anyone is from reading but I hope others can benefit from my uncontrolled writing. I'm getting a lot of distraction and it get little things back from folks that sparked memories some good some bad but they are memories I didn't have a moment ago. I had a close to fatal head reck when I was 21 was close and I had another serious head injury about 8 month maybe before and have whole blocks to time gone. So every memory I get back is important. I am back in therapy i had 2 sessions just enough to open the flood gates and my T called last Saturday evening and canceled and will reschedule after the 20th of February so I am flying so-lo and it is difficult as everything is ready to come out right now. The two sessions I have had so far the T can't get a word in he told me at the end of last session that some how he needs to get me settled down and try to get some kind of order. I told him good luck with a smile on my face and left is office. When we were first getting started , he made a promise to me cause he new this was going to be hard he said he would stop me with enough time to put a smile on my face before I have to work out of his office so for I have had 2 smiles. Right now you are standing in for my T . Thank you :-)
Peace be safe

 

[Esterio]

I'm sorry to hear that. I know my bf had talked before about asking to be deployed just to get away fr...

I was told I was more at fault for one my accidents. But I put everything negative in my life to what happened to me before I was sent to a child physiologist at abut 11 for acting out. That is when I realized that all that stuff that was made to be like fun was really serous sexual interference and abuse. From that point forward I don't think I brought anything bad on my self, it was not me it was those who I was turned into a f*ck toy for older boys. So even those my actions that ended in trauma being inflicted on me i have any fault in. It was not me that went looking for drugs and alcohol. It was perpetrators wanting to have their way with me. So maybe I did bring some of this on my self is it my fault or is it those that shaped me into the completely out of control, violent person I had become.
Peace be safe

 

[knj2015]

His ex sound like a piece of shit. writing is good. I am most likely getting more out of writing than a...

lol...I don't mind. I tend to talk a lot because that helps me. Yes his wife is awful!!! It's a long story but the worst she did was lie about her youngest having cancer to try to get him to stay in the marriage. So this young girl tells people that she used to have cancer. My sufferer had to work 3 to 4 jobs to support them so he never had time to check up...he just believed her. His ex won't have a job either. So, he has to pay maintenance on top of child support. That takes 90% of his check each month. He's barely surviving. Then she tells her girls that their dad is a dead beat.

 

[AlbusLupa]

This sounds a lot like my situation at the minute, and it's really killing me.

We were due to meet up last Saturday to watch the rugby, but she cancelled at the 11th hour. Then half way through the match asked to meet up, which resulted in a 30 minute walk in the cold, missing the rugby before she went home. Sunday we bumped into each other while I was out running, she asked if she could come round later in the day. I heard nothing from her until the evening, no "Sorry changed my mind" no "Can't make it" nothing. Few other cases of changing her mind through the week. Now she's full of cold, she asked if I could come round, watch TV with her, cheer her up. I offered to make soup. Two hours later she messaged to say not to come, she wasn't up for company after all. I said it wasn't a problem, offer still stood if she changed her mind. Now I've had a text saying that things are getting too much, that I don't call and type everything (because if I call when she wants to be alone I fear I'll upset her and drive her away, while a text she can deal with in her own time), I don't ask questions and she doesn't want to explain things (which I do ask questions, but not all the time because I don't want her to be overwhelmed), that all she wants to do is hide from me because I'm setting off all her triggers (which despite me asking previously, I have no idea what they are).

So now I feel like the bad guy. I've had a rough week myself, and not being able to see the woman I love has been hard for me. I thought I was doing all the right things, but apparently not. Now I don't know what to say to her, if I should even reply at all. In all honesty I'm left wondering if she'd be better off without me, if I'm upsetting her all the time it seems that that would be the wisest call, even if I'm left unhappy it'll be what's best for her, which is really all I really want.

 

[AlbusLupa]

Oh, plus I've found out she's still on the dating site we met on. I've called her up on it before and she claimed it was because her and her flatmate (who also uses it) go on to look at the messages they've received and joke about the oddballs they get things from. The fact that she's on there now is sending all my alarm bells ringing.

 

[Esterio]

lol...I don't mind. I tend to talk a lot because that helps me. Yes his wife is awful!!! It's a long...

hi knj
I have been racking my brain tying to come up with why I started to Isolate. The only think that comes to mind is she(My x wife) would ask me the same question and it was a valid question I was sick. She would get home say hello and how was your day? Now what do I say I can't tell her how my day was. It was the shits but I aways said it was ok. I was not ready to tell anyone how my day was. So I think that was the start. I just was not ready and her asking me everyday out of her concern for me. I should have been able to talk to her but I wasn't able to. At that point in time it was child sexual abuses that was top of mind. I had been rapped up in our foster sons therapy for sexual abuse for sometime. I was with him through a lot of his therapy. I took him once per week and the T had me sit in once a month as she wanted me to know what happened so that I could help him deal with it. I already knew a lot as he had already told me most of it. When I would have to hold him for hours during the night until he would go back to sleep. He had bad nightmares every night and he remembered every thing to detail and it would all come out. We were really close I knew almost everything about him. That is maybe what triggered my own memories. I never told any of them what happened to me. At this time my neck was getting bad and the pain was killing me so I was at the doctors a lot and she notice I was starting to act different maybe odd for me. She asked if there was something going on and I broke down. That made everything worse and I was sent to therapy myself now. Then the questions went from how are you doing to what is wrong can't you talk to me? My answer was just a simple no. I'm not sure how long I went to therapy it was making me worse. I couldn't believe how fast everything was un ravelinrg my life was over here I knew that. It was a not very much longer after therapy that I didn't come home any more. I don't know if that helps make any sense it is just a little more info.
Peace be safe

 

[knj2015]

This sounds a lot like my situation at the minute, and it's really killing me.

It is a tough situation. We've talked some and I've gone to his work to see him a couple of times. He seemed really happy to see me. He said he'd come over and we'd spend some good time last friday. We'd talk, etc. He called and said he was really tired but could spend even more time with me on Saturday. He was really hurt on Saturday by something that happened so cancelled then. He was reluctant to come over on Sunday. It wasn't very long and his walls were up. He said he's scared and has trust issues. He's scared it won't work out. I've been spending a lot of time with my family but every once in awhile, I have a painful period.

 

[knj2015]

hi knj
I have been racking my brain tying to come up with why I started to Isolate. The only think t...

Does it help knowing what may have caused you to isolate? I just can't imagine. I don't want to make it worse for him. That's why I think communication is so important. He's done really good at it. But I know it's hard for him. I want to be there for him as the good times are amazing. But The pain when he is closed off is really hard. A friend of mine who suffers from PTSD said it is something that can be lived with as a couple. I just hope we can get to that point.

 

[Esterio]

Does it help knowing what may have caused you to isolate? I just can't imagine. I don't want to make...

I don't know if knowing why I isolated is helpful. What would be is answering the question why couldn't I tell the ones I love and that love me why I was hurting. Was it shame,was it because I was scared to bring it into the open or was it that my memories are sketchy and not very complete 21 years of age and back. I have had multiple head injuries.
Communication is the most important part. Knowing how to communicate then, may have saved my wife and I a lot of grief. I don't know how you can communicate but I know you need to communicate. It is the only way forward.
At that time the therapy that I was in was brutal. Everything was real and present like it had just happened. I was in the middle of a serious break down and nothing made sence at the time. I stop therapy when I couldn't walk in the door any more, as I was going to need to talk more. I was tired of talking, That was the closest I felt to the end of my life ever, I thought it was over when I left.
I'm still here and that was 17 years ago. I'm back In therapy and still on a rocky road.
I hope this is helpful me telling you all this, it is a difficult road we are on. I am just trying to truthfully tell you how I see it.
Peace be safe

 

[knj2015]

I don't know if knowing why I isolated is helpful. What would be is answering the question why couldn't...

I really appreciate it. This has been helpful. I know the hardest part for me is the lack of steadiness. He'll communicate and be wonderful then the next minute he is grumpy and doesn't have time for a relationship. We are still texting daily. I told him we don't have to make time to see each other right now, he just needs to focus on what he needs to get done. I said the only thing I needed was him to be kind when he did choose to see me and to text he loves me back. Maybe that's even too much to ask. Because, if he's having a bad day, I can tell because he won't text back I love you. Which I find odd. I think when he's down and extremely overwhelmed, he feels nothing.

 

[Esterio]

I really appreciate it. This has been helpful. I know the hardest part for me is the lack of steadine...

Thanks it means a lot to know it is helpful for you.
I wished I would have been able to talk, any communication on a bad day would be so unreliable I'm sure it would be miss under stood or taken the wrong way. So on bad days I do not communicate very much at all if any. That is when I isolate when I am having a bad day. In my mind I am better on my own at those times. For men showing any emotion is hard and very embarrassing and not going to happen with me if I can help it. As soon as I feel something coming on. I'm off to where I can be alone and deal with it.
I had therapy today and I asked my T about talking to people on this forum weather it is a good idea. He told me that when reading and replying to posts is sparking good or bad memories it is good for me so long as I feel comfortable,and safe, realizing that when it gets to be too much take a break and let your mind catch up and process the information.
He wants to start EMDR as soon as we can as he thinks it will help me to prioritize the traumas and abuse that I went through. He is a little concerned that I am not ready. My session today was to be 90 min. it went for almost 2 hours. I think he wants me to see a Psychiatrist for new diagnoses as there seems to be something else going on. I'm loosing time and I don't know how much or how often. It is hard to know you lost time if you can't remember loosing it.
I need to start writing things down as they happen as my recall memory is not very good and I have a hard time with when things happened was that yesterday or was that last week, month or last year.
I used to be that steady guy I was the rock for several people I was their protector. That has all gone now I'm someone else now. My communications are all over the place. From calm to ballistic in a second. I'm glad you are in daily contact. I don't know if I would call it odd when he doesn't text you back that he loves you on bad days as he probably just can't for some reason he may think it is to protect you from what ever is going on with him at that moment in time. It really is one day at a time , hour by hour and some times minute by minute. Nothing is a real feeling, I can't explain it except to say it is like you are numb. People keep telling me that it will get better with time and THERAPY.
Therapy I hope will help me to realize my limits, identify my triggers and live with my PTSD.
I hope that you and your sufferer are able to work this out, you sound to me to be a very caring, compassionate and supportive person. That defiantly is what it takes. It is all in how the PTSD reacts.
A friend of mine went to school to become a social worker to help her abusive husband. They split before she could finish schooling. She thought it would help her to know how to communicate with him. Communication is everything with out it you have nothing.
Peace be safe