Sufferer Witnessing suicide

[Sean848]

Any others out there witness a loved one complete? I’ve tried to find others to no avail. Just wondering.

 

[Sideways]

Welcome to the forum - sorry you have reason to be here:)

 

[Lost in the Woods]

I witnessed a couple serious attempts by my mother before she was successful. When I was about 7 I found her in her car with the swimming pool vacuum hose running from the exhaust to the passenger compartment. Another time she jumped in front of the car when my father was driving it, later that night she did kill herself. There is so much blacked out there are probably more attempts I currently don’t remember.

 

[Sean848]

I witnessed a couple serious attempts by my mother before she was successful. When I was about 7 I found her in her car with the swimming pool vacuum hose running from the exhaust to the passenger compartment. Another time she jumped in front of the car when my father was driving it, later that night she did kill herself. There is so much blacked out there are probably more attempts I currently don’t remember.

Thanks for sharing, idk, it can be a tricky thing to talk about around people I’ve noticed. But I feel like it’s preventing so much possible healing, to be able to grieve in the midsts of a familiar. Because there are things that can’t be explained. Shouldn’t be explained. But that I need to let out. My little brother. My only sibling. Shot himself in the head in front of me. The things I experienced when I held him after. I wish I would’ve ran instead.

Welcome to the forum - sorry you have reason to be here:)

Thank you for being so thoughtful with the title. That is definitely much more clear and concise. I appreciate the gesture.

I witnessed a couple serious attempts by my mother before she was successful. When I was about 7 I found her in her car with the swimming pool vacuum hose running from the exhaust to the passenger compartment. Another time she jumped in front of the car when my father was driving it, later that night she did kill herself. There is so much blacked out there are probably more attempts I currently don’t remember.

Also I just want to say, well, I wish I could just give you a hug. Because words are meager. I hope you’re finding your way to healing.

 

[Dynamic]

I know someone’s brother shot himself then died in his sisters arms :/ she was my close friend and I’m amazed she was as good as she was ever. :/

 

[Sean848]

I know someone’s brother shot himself then died in his sisters arms :/ she was my close friend and I’m amazed she was as good as she was ever. :/

This is perplexing to me. The questions I have. I understand there are variables and I take those into account. Like for example. I have no other family, no familial consolement or support. I’ve noticed this in the chemistry of people’s capacity to withstand hardships and it’s overlooked I think. But the things that you can’t wipe away. The sounds, the visuals. He was everything to me. All those memories reduced to those final moments that won’t go away and take center stage. How. O how I yearn for that conversation.

 

[Lost in the Woods]

I think the lingering effect of parental suicide linger throughout life. That is a pretty strong deterrent for me as I don’t want my kids any more messed up because of me.

 

[Sean848]

I think the lingering effect of parental suicide linger throughout life. That is a pretty strong deterrent for me as I don’t want my kids any more messed up because of me.

I told myself that I would approach this with complete honesty and transparency. I too am a father. My daughter is an angel and means the world to me. But the first time I had a flashback in front of her we were playing Barbie’s. I completely checked out. Tears streaming down my face shaking. When I gained control and realized what was happening she just calmly held my hand and said daddy were you thinking of uncle Cody? Something in me broke. And I started convincing myself she is better without me. A broken shell of a human. I never had ideation before this event. And now I’ve had 3 attempts. 1 successful where I was cut down and resuscitated. This is hard to type but so very true.

 

[Lost in the Woods]

I guess I am lucky as most of my ideation was passive but then I had a few events that could be considered active. That scared me and I realized how toxic my wife and the kids with her are to me, a constant trigger. I have gone almost completely no contact and all ideation stopped. I hope that time will heal but for now it seems like my only option.

 

[Sean848]

I guess I am lucky as most of my ideation was passive but then I had a few events that could be considered active. That scared me and I realized how toxic my wife and the kids with her are to me, a constant trigger. I have gone almost completely no contact and all ideation stopped. I hope that time will heal but for now it seems like my only option.

I also learned the hard way to remove anything standing in the way of healing. Some things were more difficult than others. For example. My Brother shot himself in my home. Where I raised my daughter and had established what I thought was a sense of security. It became my own personal hell after that. Did I mention the cops arrested me that night? Told me people don’t shoot themselves in front of people. Talk about insult to injury. Thank god for the neighbors camera facing my driveway. Caught everything. Than one officer came into the interrogation room and cried with me. Than they told me they don’t clean up the mess. Long story short the house had to go. A part of me felt like I was betraying him by selling it. I can’t say why but it was overwhelming and I just couldn’t part from it. I accepted what I thought was my fate and resigned. Wife left me and took my daughter. Cant blame her I was barely functioning. The only reason I managed to sell the house was because I did it from the mental health unit in the hospital after I hung myself. Only moment of clarity I had in god knows how long. Now I’m alone. In an apartment. Quit my career. Starting from scratch. But it has to be this way or I’ve noticed I just don’t have the resilience anymore for things I don’t like or aren’t good for me. Including people. I’m angry often. Adjusting to this new me. Can’t say if I’ve truly decided to stay yet or not.

 

[Lost in the Woods]

We are in the same boat marriage wise. I am fortunate that I don’t have a lot of anger. I am at a loss on what I want to do with my life now. I am considering moving out of the US just because I don’t like all the political division and anger. I have obtained New Zealand citizenship but I am also considering South Africa and Columbia. The gal I am dating is also looking for an exit. She has a place in SA and we are going there in November. Until I get some clarity on what I want to do with my life I am just in a holding pattern and investing the vast majority of my income. I am luckier than most as I have options.

 

[Sean848]

We are in the same boat marriage wise. I am fortunate that I don’t have a lot of anger. I am at a loss on what I want to do with my life now. I am considering moving out of the US just because I don’t like all the political division and anger. I have obtained New Zealand citizenship but I am also considering South Africa and Columbia. The gal I am dating is also looking for an exit. She has a place in SA and we are going there in November. Until I get some clarity on what I want to do with my life I am just in a holding pattern and investing the vast majority of my income. I am luckier than most as I have options.

I can say that my only salvation is giving my pain a purpose. I’m a spiritual man and I’m of the belief that these afflictions can be my path to redemption. So I enrolled in college to be a counselor. I’m aiming at juvenile centers for incarcerated youth. It took a lot of wondering through the wilderness to find the path but I’m certain this will intrinsically reward me and bring meaning to the misery. It’s the only way for me. The dichotomy is hard to grasp for me at times. To have a vision and feel a calling. But to be actively suicidal or romance ideation. It’s deep and my words will invariably fall short.