Wondering What Is Right Re: Being Honest With Your Partner When You Are Insecure

[somegirl]

Questions like "are you alright?" and "how are you feeling?"

I believe I've tried really hard to be open and honest when answering those questions but lately, it seems better to just say "yes, I'm good" even when I'm not.

Basically, he's sick of the conversations and feels trapped in them, yet he stills asks me how I'm doing?! I've come to feel that he doesn't really want to know but asks to make himself feel better. I feel like he's always hoping that there is nothing wrong so we don't have to talk about it.

I get really insecure, anxious and upset and feel like I could be put at ease if only I felt I could actually say what I was feeling, display what is making me feel vulnerable, ask the questions that plague me and get straight answers.

Instead, what I get is him feeling interrogated, cornered and overall defensive. He clams up and my anxiety spikes, insecurity grows and to top it off, the guilt kicks in because I should'nt have to put him in this position to start with.

I should just know he loves me and that everything is safe. But I don't. And I compulsively feel like I have to ask the questions that make him uncomfortable.

Now we are at a standstill. I just say, yes I'm fine and he doesn't probe any further. You can almost see the relief on his face at not having to deal with it.

Is this typical? Do I just not have a supportive partner? Should I hold back as best I can? Will I blow up if I do? lol (hope not). How do you deal with insecurity?

 

[Mary]

I personally need a partner for whom it is no big deal to reassure me constantly of safety and love. I don't know if that's normal or not, I just know it's what works for me, and I've had three partners who were great at doing this. It was no problem for them. I had one who had his own anxiety issues, and it was a lot harder for him. I felt I needed to curb my questions, which meant I had to live with very little reassurance, which tended to spike me, as you say. That was tough.

Mary

 

[TLight]

My BF asks me this daily too. I usually come back with "I'm fine." Then, when I do have 'episodes' I say that I struggle all the time with symptoms and I'm miserable. So now when I say "I'm fine," I'm sure he likely thinks I'm not, but doesn't know what to do to help me, so the day just goes on.

No one can understand what it is like to have this disorder. I believe it is very difficult for people without mental issues to understand how difficult the days can be for us. For myself, I have to come to terms with this and just ride the waves as best I by myself on the OK days and say I'm fine. Then, when I really am struggling and spirally down ward, well, he knows for sure that I'm not fine then and he expends his energy comforting and helping me the best he can. Usually this means a lot of talking and reassurance till I'm settled down.

My best advice: don't tax him too much. Everyday is a struggle, but the fact is some are not so bad as others. So saying you are fine is good, even on days when your down. Save his attention for when you really need it. People can only take so much. We have to many times "fake it till we make it" as they say. There is good to be found in this philosphy.

So, if your having a not so bad day, go with it, say it's not so bad and go on with tasks that you might enjoy and even better yet, tasks that you both enjoy.

We have to do the best we can to cope with this. I believe this is part of it.

I don't know if he is unsupportive or not. Only you truly know that. Also, only you truly know when you are looking for sympathy, empathy, or just someone to be honest with. If you are looking for sympathy constantly, he will eventually burn out on that and you will be left alone. So be honest, but don't expect him to make things better.......just ride the tide.