Words About Abuse Just Can't Come Out Of My Mouth...

[Only 1 of me]

So I've been doing EMDR for a while now. We've tackled some tough events but have left the abuse related trauma alone till I was stronger which I am now. When we do this processing I get pictures in my head or sensations in my body of abuse but it's physically impossible for me to speak the words, or even draw it or write it down. I get a burning pain in my throat and can't swallow or breathe easily.

Today my T asked me to think about having a conference in my head where different parts of me could come to the table during EMDR and talk for me. This was after I did find some words to say something but massively dissociated to get even a few words out.

This conference idea to use dissociation to process frightens me a lot, has anyone tried anything like this?

Thanks

 

[oneandonlyMOM]

I am also using emdr. I spoke briefly about abuse. I agree it is extremely difficult because suddenly I feel like I am in the situation all over again. We worked on using what I feel could serve as a conference. I sorted through 1-my thoughts, 2-the actual abuse, 3-what I think other people perceive of the situation, and 4-my physical responses. I felt a little "all over the place", but it worked for me to address the many aspects of my abuse.

 

[Kintsugi]

Hi, I've never done EMDR, but it was extremely hard for me to talk about anything at all in therapy for almost two years in terms of just sitting and talking at all. However, it was pretty easy for me to journal about my thoughts and my feelings, even if they weren't directly related to trauma, but they were attached in the sense that I wrote about things that have bothered or did bother me. I would write throughout the week and then read in therapy. I tend to dissociate and read like a robot when I'm sharing tough emotions, but I still got the words out, and it loosed my tongue for later. So I'd read for the first 30 minutes or so of therapy, and then the T would respond, and I'd answer some questions or she would give me things to think about. I did this for nearly two years.

Don't know if it helps, since it's not EMDR.

Good luck!

 

[zaniara]

I know how it feels when you just can't get the words out, and when you dissociate badly when you finally get some of them out. But what is it about this conference idea that scares you? I think it could work. But have you worked or talked anything about 'parts' of you, 'little you' and stuff like that?

 

[Only 1 of me]

Hi all, thanks for the replies. I think one of the scary elements is that my T has, in the past, been focused on me not dissociating. I don't have a dissociative diagnosis, but its always beena conscious or unconscious coping mechanism. My therapist seems to be able to see or sense right away when I have dissociated and he brings me back or asks me to ground myself.

Dissociation and self harm have been closely linked in the past and it's been a long time since self harm has been an issue so that also makes me nervous. I'm scared of what might happen, what might be said that can't be unsaid and how I might react to all of that.

Yes, therapists in the past have referred to the little me, the concept has always given me chills. I hate the little me and don't want to give her any air or breathing space.

I'll talk it over with my T next week and see what he thinks. Just wondered if this has worked or how it has felt for others.

 

[zaniara]

I think talking to your therapist about it is a great idea. I know what you mean with hating the little you. I did too.. And I freaked out by the whole concept and by those creative ways of trying to by-pass the "wall of dissociation" they can use. I have never been asked to have a conference, but I ended up having one anyhow. :laugh: Since parts of me disagree(to put it mildly; they have actually been in a war with each other for ages) and since my therapist made me come in contact with those parts. It was scary yes, and painful, and a struggle. And I was also scared of ending up hurting my self, since the impulses to do so got so strong whenever we got in contact with some of the worst traumas in my life. (and still does sometimes.. *sigh*) But I tried to remember that PTSD basically was killing me so fast that I had no real choice, but to try to be brave enough to go through this process.. And with a good therapist and the new tools that the therapy is giving you it is really not the same place you started off from. Thus the result won't be the same.. It will be better.

But remember that you can say stop, no, and set the pace a bit and halt the process when you need to. Baby-steps are good. It sounds like you have a good and caring therapist. :)

 

[Only 1 of me]

Thanks Zaniara- I appreciate hearing from someone who has similar experiences. My appt is Monday so time to reflect without catastrophising. I can email him between sessions - he wont dialogue with me about it over email - but we can put stuff on the agenda for our session.

 

[Braedyn]

I haven't done EMDR too much, but I have DID, so we do have conferences, where different parts talk about thinks. It is really helpful to have the internal communication. It seems like you are working so hard, be proud of yourself, even if you are struggling you are working at it...
Braedyn