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Words for depression?

Ecdysis

MyPTSD Pro
I've written before how I'm in a major depression for the first time in my life... I've had C-PTSD for as long as I can remember and depression's been a part of that... but I feel like in the past, I've only ever dipped my toes in and now... I'm drowning in it.

I feel like I'm in some kind of depression version of Disneyland... It's this vast space with dozens of different depression themed rides, one worse than the other... Ugh...

One thing I've noticed is I don't seem to have a "meta" level for it, the way I have with PTSD. With PTSD I have an awareness about it, I can "observe" myself being in a flashback or getting panicked or being in fight mode or dissociating, or whatever... I have an internal narrative about that.

With depression, I don't seem to have that... once I get in it, I'm *in* it and drowning...

As a first step towards getting some more awareness about it, I'm looking for words for depression... ways to describe all the many horrible flavours it comes in... synonyms... that sort of thing.

I'll start with a few descriptors that come to my mind:

despondent
despair
hopelessness
feeling like a failure
doom and gloom
feeling like everything is pointless
feeling I don't matter
feeling stuck


(Grateful for any more words/ synonyms/ associations that come to people's minds...!)
 
Bleak

“Who cares the world is ending as long as I can stay in bed while it happens”

The only conversation worth having is telling game show participants how dumb they are.

Nothing tastes, feels, smells, looks, nor feels good, comfortable, pretty, nice, etc… like perpetual negativity to each of the 5 senses.


I know these are not individual words but, I also have a hard time finding that 1 word and can only think in examples.
 
I have imagery for depression. Nowadays I send on the edge of the abyss, looking into the black hole that is depression and I'm able to pull myself back to stop myself falling, but that's the image I have of it.

When I was depressed, I figured that for me depression comes because my mind doesn't want to see or feel fearful emotions - it's like it puts a dark hood over them all and it's hard to see a way out.

Years ago a friend wrote a song with the line - depression capturing my mind, discovering anything bad it can find. I guess that's another way to see it.
 
Thank you 💜

I'm adding some more too...

like a curse
pessimistic
sad
no place feels like home
unfixable
out of place
don't belong
self-doubt
emptiness
feeling nothing
expecting the worst
a constant premonition that something bad will happen
seeing pain and suffering everywhere
lost
loser
feeling/ thinking that everyone else has it figured out/ is doing better/ is happier
heavy
lonely
isolating
numb
vicious circle
drained
exhausted
spent
 
everything sucks
everything's shit
dissapointment
bad mood
foul mood
irritable
cranky
grumpy
impossible to please
agitated
impatient
critical
self-critical
negative
unmotivated
monotonous
sleeping too much
sluggish
grey
it's like rainy weather
feeling like it's never going to end
wanting to be dead
dire
inconsolable
cynical
hurting
dread
wasteland
desert
cold
uncaring
giving up
bland
bleak
 
wallowing
gravity
"meh"
my own worst enemy
battling my demons
self-abandonment
not caring whether I live or die
life feels like a burden/ a problem/ a struggle
 
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