D
doglover
Work is stressful right now. I had to meet with two coworkers and the boss for mediation a week ago. Came to work the next day and all the toxic shame from the event caught up with me - I took a sick day.
Then earlier this week I made a very human mistake with a client - but it could have resulted in the client's injury - I was highly upset by that, seeing myself as "good" and "caring" and "client-centered" as I do. Ended up crying as boss discussed documenting the incident. Boss noted that my documentation did not prioritize useful and pointless details and asked if I'm having trouble focusing. If something is going on outside of work.
Nothing is going on outside of work! Can I not be sad and frightened at the thought of a patient coming to harm through my mistake? Is that not allowed?!?!
My boss asked me if I need to take a leave of absence. I'm uncomfortable with that. Work has been a major source of stress lately. Small staff, popularity contest, bad first impression means boss looks for mistakes. Plus we are going through a merger. I feel like it is impossible to get my boss to notice the good things I do, to have any trust in me. She plays favorites like no one's business and trusts her fav's report of events over the person who lived them.
It's frustrating, and very triggering. My boss's expectations change based on the day, and it is impossible to please her when the targets move. My mother was just like that, so it's been very triggering. Problem is, I have been getting sucked into the triggers instead of remaining the observer to the inner triggering.
It sucks. It makes me feel incompetent... I've started to believe their view of me as incompetent. That's not good. I felt highly competent and successful in other positions (once I adjusted).
And I'm scared for my job. I'm applying for other ones but some of them involve moving. I don't want to develop a history of moving for work every year or two. Kind of exasperated. Wondering if anyone has thoughts. I see an MD today, going to present my symptoms and see about medication.
