General Work With An Ex's Ex

[Glara]

This is totally unrelated to most of the stuff I post about my sufferer. He's been MIA for a while so I don't have much to say about him.

My ex's ex may be getting hired where I work. I don't know how to deal with that.

He was very abusive. After we broke up (he cheated on me with her, which was good for me, not so much for her) he stalked me. There's so much more that I was going to post, but I just can't. I have a really hard time talking about it, even though it would be easier to write here, and I'm afraid someone will figure out who i am.

I just don't want to re-live that time in my life. I lost a whole year. I couldnt sleep or watch horror movies for a long time. He broke into my house, stalked me at work, left things on my car and in my mailbox. The whole nine yards. And even years later he would surface.

I don't really have anyone to talk to about any of this. I don't have any close friends anymore. I don't have much family. I guess that's why I'm posting on here. I'm just upset and looking for someone to talk to.

 

[Casey_03]

Well, first thing's first -- his ex only might be getting a job there, right? So don't let your anxiety go into overdrive just yet (though I know how hard that is). I'm sure you don't need any reminders about him. I was stalked by an ex before too, and I remember the very visceral reaction I'd get to any reminders of him later on. Hell, I still do.

Do you have any idea what terms the two of them left things on? As in, do you think she could potentially be cathartic to you by allowing you to openly talk to someone else about the guy's awfulness? Or is she still on good terms with him?

 

[Glara]

Well, first he passed away, I'm not sure why, I just heard through a mutual friend.

She was NOT on good terms with him. He was abusive to her as well, and their children. And there's more, things that landed him in prison.

It's obviously not a fear for my safety. It's just that'll she'll be in my world. I don't talk about it much, unless I'm with a client who's been through it. In some ways I guess, it's why I understand my sufferer. He grew up in a similar environment.

 

[Snowflakes]

@Glara Assumming your ex did pass away, then there is no work related issue with that. By that, I mean it's not like you'll run into him in the parking lot.

With respect to his ex who will now be employed at your office, unless you were a personal friend or had some sort of contact with her in the past, she would have no reason to think of you as anyone other than another coworker. I mean, if you don't tell her, how would she know? And if she did realize who you are, it doesn't matter. You are not obligated to talk about your personal life nor your past to anyone in the workplace. If, for whatever reason, she starts to bother or harass you in the workplace you do what you have a right to do if anyone, regardless of who they are, harasses you in the workplace.....go to HR.

I'm not minimizing your anxiety...I'm sure I'd be less than thrilled if I were in your shoes. If you have a therapist, chat with him/her. If you think this might run away from you, get a therapist and chat with him/her. See if your work has an EAP for confidential help. Finally, we are here if you simply need to vent.

Take care.

 

[Glara]

@Snowflakes I understand what you're saying.

She absolutely knows who I am. She told him that she used to watch us together, she actively persued him when he and I were dating. I'm not upset about that because she went through a lot more with him than I did. It was good that it happened, for me.

I doubt she'd harass me in anyway way, at least not any obvious way. It's just it will be incredibly uncomfortable. I'm sure for her as well. I don't how she'll feel or what she'll do, I'd just prefer not to cross paths with her. She may feel uncomfortable to the point she wants to make me uncomfortable. I have no idea.

I just wish I could keep the past in the past.

 

[Snowflakes]

@Glara I think sometimes the simplest thing to do can be the hardest. The simplest thing to do is be a prefessional at work. Treat her the same you treat all your co-workers. I know, easier said than done but it's entirely possible she may have the same fears you have if she knows you work there or she will have once she sees you. Ideally, you want her to treat you like she treats everyone else at work. Professionalism in the workforce makes that happen.

I hope this helps you. I also wish you well.