Sufferer Worried About Major Breakthrough

[purrsia]

Hi. This is my first time here and I've been trying to become familiar with this site. It looks like something I can really relate to and I hope I'm posting in the correct forum. If not, I'm sorry.
I suffer from PTSD severely from a traumatic rape that occurred 30 years ago. This incident was for three days straight with me being drugged on and off in a cornfield. I don't really want to go into details, but over the years I've had bits and pieces return to my mind slowly, which I guess is a good thing although each detail would bring with it major flashbacks and dreams let alone anxiety and panic attacks which I've suffered from since all this happened.

I can now remember all the details (pretty much) except for the biggest thing and this is... who did this to me! I know I knew the guy and what kind of car he drove, but I can't see a face. Recently, my flashbacks are happening more often and the nightmares are getting worse. I do see a psychologist and she's good at giving me things to do to help me through my nightmares, but I haven't seen her yet since the flashbacks have gotten so bad. I don't know when or where they are going to happen. Within the last week they have become almost on a daily basis and its getting to the point where I'm scared to leave the house. My boyfriend has read up on these and is also learning how to help me get through them by bringing me back to reality, but he says I'm shaken and confused for some time after each flashback I have. I don't seem to remember when I have one or if so, very little about it...

My boyfriend made a post on Facebook a few nights ago about looking for a certain car in the time frame that this happened without letting anyone know why and people are answering and we've found a few leads. Unfortunately, I did not report this to the police, so theres no records of any kind. My question's I'm wanting to know from experience through others that this may have happened to is should we continue to pursue who this person was? Will I know him if I see him (as in a photo)? Since my flashbacks have gotten much worse in the last week, does this mean I'm getting close to a breakthrough of his face? I will be asking my doctor all these questions also at my next appt. but in the meantime I thought maybe I could get some help on here. Am I going to be able to handle this? That's my biggest fear of all!! Any thoughts or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you

 

[safenow]

Hi purrsia,

Welcome to the PTSD forum. One of my major traumas was back in 1969, so I know what you mean about a long time ago. I am so sorry you are at this part of the healing process. It really does suck, major.

Since you did not originally press charges, I don't think it is wise to continue pursing the search for him. It is not healthy. There is nothing you can do about it now. It is better to work in getting the symptoms under control, and learning how to cope with the daily stuff.

Did you try calling your psychologist when things got this bad? Or are you just waiting for your next appointment? I'm sure if you contact her, she will try to see you sooner. What types of things are you doing to ground yourself? Check this out. It works really well:

The following flashback halting protocol can be taught. It is based on the principles of dual awareness, reconciling the experiencing self with the observing self. It usually will stop a traumatic flashback quite quickly.

Fill in the blanks:

Right now (you) I (are) am feeling _________________
(insert name of the current emotions, usually fear)

And (you) I (are) am sensing In (your) my body ____________________
(describe your current bodily sensations – name at least three)

Because (you) I (are) am remembering _______________________
(name the trauma by title only – no details)

At the same time. (you) I (are) am looking around where (you) I (are) am right now in _______________
(the actual current year)

Here _______________
(name the place where you are)

And (you) I can see ______________________
(describe some of the things that you see right now, in this place)

And so (you) I know _____________________
(name the trauma, by title only, again)

Is not happening now/anymore.

Print this out and have a loved one keep a copy so they can help if the need arises.
Take care.
safenow

 

[WillyKat]

should we continue to pursue who this person was? Will I know him if I see him (as in a photo)? Since my flashbacks have gotten much worse in the last week, does this mean I'm getting close to a breakthrough of his face?

There's a lot of unknowns you may encounter pursuing this. It would be well worth your while to spend considerable time thinking this through. Ask yourself what you would do if you found out? What if you found something, but it wasn't definite. WHat if it was definite, what then? For every possible way he might react if you confronted him, what would it do to you? Are you ready to deal if all possible reactions? Do you know you can keep safe?

For me, I remember who and since this happened in Oregon, there was something I could do about it. Under Oregon law you can anonymously report sex crimes to the state police no matter if its past the 7 year statute of limitations. They'll take your report, do a records check, and let you know what they find. I did this, about 35 years after the event. Turns out the captain that runs this program is based in the same tiny town where the perpetrator lived (he has since moved). The captain got back to me and said that his records were clean, but that he'd ask around with the "locals" (the local police). How about that? I don't know but I think Oregon is the only state with such a program.

Think this through carefully. Know as much as you can before you take this too far. And prepare yourself.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think you seriously need to think this through. What I'm about to say is based on another persons story I read elsewhere. She kept digging and digging and digging, thinking that simply knowing would bring her closure of some sort. Well, the opposite happened. It opened up pandoras box and her symptoms got a helluva lot worse. And not just for a short while. She regretted digging and warned everyone not to. I met this person on another forum and last I heard she still wasn't to a place that was "better" than before the digging. Again, a secondhand story, but would you want to risk it? What if you got worse? What would knowing his identity accomplish? You can't press charges. Any confrontation would likely end up in him dismissing you, so how would that affect you?

 

[intothelight]

Welcome to the PTSD Forum! :)

 

[KP the nut]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Hello and welcome to the forum. :)

 

[BonnieSQL]

Welcome purrsia. I think the further you are in recovery the more you'll be able to identify for yourself whether or not you should go on with the process of searching for the person who hurt you. The flashbacking and the nightmares are definitely tough but you can and will get through them. I was abused at home by my family for many many years, including rape, as a child and a teen. It wasn't until I was in my mid20's that I suddenly, out of nowhere, started having flashbacks. I didn't remember a thing before I was 23. Though they definitely suck, flashbacks are a sign at least that your mind is ready to process more and more and more. Try not to fear them and glean what info you can from them. It's good that your therapist is with you on this and you can keep unpacking the things that come up together. Hugs, Bonnie