Would This Be Ptsd Or Grief?

[MoriMermaid]

I'm in a close connection (not romantic) with a male friend. Back in November 2016, he returned after a sudden absence (the original departure aggravated trust and abandonment issues) to tell me that he has a terminal illness. A short time after I read the email, I had a panic attack. With him, I had them a lot at the beginning and with being able to trust and consistency, I managed these worries. What happened that night was different. I experienced the feeling of multiple panic attacks at once. My tears wouldn't stop, and they continued off and on for about three weeks. Most painful was that I didn't remember for a time who he even was, and my memories were "locked". I went for weeks in a daze barely recognizing him. To me, it felt like a bomb had gone off -- I'm almost sure I heard ringing in my ears.

Currently, almost three months since, I don't mind listening to him about how things are progressing (not well) or what other things are going on in his life or talk about what's been going on. I feel this desire to cuddle with him and be with him even though I'm not able to say much but am afraid of looking clingy or holding him back. I'm unable to open up to him concerning how this has all affected me. We used to have a connection where we would say how sad we were feeling and work it out -- that feels so distant now. I sleep with a nightlight because the night is now scary to me. Before this, I knew in my heart, soul, and mind that he'd do his best to understand, would listen, or wouldn't have liked being away from me for any length of time. Now, when I try to ask a question, I feel like he would see me as insecure in our connection or that he wouldn't answer. Unless something is truly going on, he does get back to me, is affectionate, and listens; however, it feels like I'm in strange territory.

I want to be there for him and to enjoy the time we have left; however, the aftereffects that I've been experiencing leave me unable to feel sometimes like there's a brain full of cotton or a wall between us. I've been slowly coming back to normal, but the "unfreezing" is more stressful than the actual news. Any advice would be helpful. To let everyone know, I've been taking care of myself as well as I can.

 

[J'qel]

It is both. Dealing with the terminal illness of someone dear to you is both traumatic and a cause for grief.

My mother was a geriatric nurse so I grew up around mortality (she used to take me to work because the elderly patients loved the little girl who would talk to them). My husband's mother was a cancer survivor with issues.

Dealing with the knowledge that someone you know and care for is going to die soon is always hard.

The distance you're feeling? It is normal. A lot of people feel it and the numbness as you adjust. It will take time, and if you're taking care of yourself, that will help speed it.

Your entire dynamic has changed, but it doesn't have to. It's hard, it's rough, but you can do this.

 

[MoriMermaid]

@J'qel Thank you for helping me see things more clearly. My previous therapist didn't see his illness as traumatic. I wondered if she had ever lost anyone close to her. I've only been around pets who have passed away in my adult years, although seeing my cat, William, pass away last May was painful. Guess I was lucky in that none of my family got really ill until later in life. How much of your experience do you remember when you were little and talking to patients?

The hardest thing I find is talking to him about how and why it affected me so much and what happened in those early days. His disease progresses and has progressed even more since he was first diagnosed. Ironically enough, about a couple of weeks before he told me he was terminally ill, I'd decided that one of the career paths I wanted to take was in hospice care.

 

[J'qel]

oh dear lords and ladies no.

It is most *certainly* traumatic. Sure it isn't violence, but you're having your trust and care violated by something you have no hope of fighting. How on earth or varied dimensions is it *not* traumatic???

My final breaking point after denying my PTSD and somewhat managing was when I found out a friend of mine had cancer and it was worse than we originally had thought. I almost broke down in my advanced shakespeare course-I was shaking so hard my desk was vibrating.

No, hon. It's perfectly normal to be traumatized and hurt and shaken and affected by this.

Anyone who doesn't understand it has never had someone truly close to them who has been diagnosed. *hugs if you accept*

 

[MoriMermaid]

@J'qel I want to take this post you wrote and show it to my past T, but she's on maternity leave at the moment. I've been denying PTSD for many years and have been through the mental health system being diagnosed with social anxiety at 15, put on a low dose of Paxil before it was supposed to be given to kids and teens, and was told for years I was "fine" or had nothing wrong.

I found out that PTSD might be my diagnosis due to this friend actually. I had experienced trauma that I was working on beforehand and kept getting triggered for no reason in response. His life has been painful (this disease, cancer, a couple of car accidents, a brain injury, an assault); however, I'm still grateful he's in my life. So I do kind of know.

*hugs back if you accept*

As an aside, I like Shakespeare.

 

[J'qel]

I had a wonderful prof who was a dramaturge at the globe theater. I even sent him emails afterwards when I found things I thought he would like. I've always reacted to teachers and profs as peers-for one it didn't work so well-but for most it does. MIssing the rest of his course is a constant dissappointment, but I simply couldn't function any longer.

If you already have anxiety or PTSD, oh yes, this would cause issues.

As human beings we're always in fear of death and our own mortality. It's part of being human. Some people have a faith that helps, some have other methods (I have a spirtuality but it's personal, not organized).

When someone you dearly care for is dying, it's definitively traumatic, which is why we have a grieving process.

There's a reason there are support groups for spouses and loved ones of those with terminal illnesses. It causes stress, anxiety, fear, and it's all against something we can't fight. We can't punch death for being a jerk. We can't take a baseball bat to cancer or AIDS. It's an unconquerable opponent who has taken something so very valuable from you.

I can't think of any way it wouldn't be traumatic.

At the very least, you have him for now. enjoy what you have while you can and try to find a way to vent and deal with it away from him. He can't help it, and he knows. If you have any other supporters in your circle, talking with them might help. Finding a survivors or palliative support centre might help some.

Your therapist might know some resources you can use, and failing that, the hospital will. They have spouses and family who have to deal with these things regularly.

I've had to survive a few deaths by now, and while some were easier, none of them were easy. The hardest is always the sudden ones in the prime of life, but it doesn't make those cut down swiftly from terminal illness any easier.

Take care hon, and take it one day at a time.

 

[MoriMermaid]

@J'qel
It's good you left at a time when you needed to and didn't stay any longer in the course and good you stayed in contact. I've had to stop a couple of online courses that I've been doing so that I can get back on my feet again but will be trying them earlier in the week.

At the very least, you have him for now. enjoy what you have while you can and try to find a way to vent and deal with it away from him. He can't help it, and he knows.

We used to talk about all of this. Death and life, even about his past struggles and about mine. It would seem a shame to deal with it away from him when he still wants to be involved in my life. Wouldn't it then be me cutting him out of knowing my feelings, when I could cry before and talk to him about things like this? It would be devastating, I believe, for me to only talk about surface things and not go into any depth. It's bad enough that we don't live close to each other but to lose the deep connection, too? Not something I want to try any time soon. He's 28 with the heart and soul of someone mature and wise. I'm not giving that up yet.

I'm still searching for a T, and he was the only person I personally trusted outside my own family who I could openly talk to. It's taken me over 10 months of work to get this far with him, and given my history, most people don't even talk to me after they find out about the struggles I've faced. Where else am I going to find someone who sits through panic-ridden emails? Maybe I won't again in my lifetime so this is also something I'm struggling with.

 

[J'qel]

Oh no, talking to him like you used to =A+; I meant changing because you're afraid. A lot of folks don't talk about mortality, so suddenly bringing it up as a topic now that he's facing it would be off. Sorry, my bad assumption (for the record, mortality and philosophy are things I bring up too, I have some weird damned convos but I found that some folks get very uncomfortable with that kind of talk).

I think your T may have simply misunderstood. It's hard for someone to understand "My friend is terminal" versus "My dearly beloved best friend in the whole world is going to die and I'm watching it happen and there's nothing I can do. I feel so helpless and alone and afraid." If they've worked for you so far, I would think that it's just a miscommunication. Usually T's are very receptive once you've had them for a bit, but they are still human. Being human, we all make mistakes.

Heck, I made my assumption about your regular topics of conversation. :P

If he has otherwise worked for you, keep him. Try and find a better way to explain because he may be missing something crucial that helps him understand how hard this is hitting you. And yes, by all means copy paste this to him if you need to, though I should probably apologize for the assumption about not losing someone terminal. He may have, but it was the first thing that popped into my head, and an elderly relative is going through a rough spot right now, so I'm a little tender on the mortality issue-specifically when folks don't seem to understand how hard it can be on survivors.

 

[MoriMermaid]

@J'qel

We don’t do a lot of talking these days; however, what happened after death and the depth of our connection are two things we used to talk about regularly. Trusting myself that everything is still okay is difficult. You’re forgiven. People make assumptions all the time. I’ve never been uncomfortable with deep topics until just recently. That might have something to do with being triggered after I told this friend about some trauma, and he suddenly left out of the blue. This leaving most likely had something to do with his illness, but it was still challenging to go back.

I’m looking into getting another T so I’ll write this paragraph down about him being terminal and your difference. The difference was what I wanted to say anyway but couldn’t come up with the words. My friend lost his dad to cancer, I think, maybe a year ago. We didn't talk about it very much. I had wanted to with him; however, my cat, William, died after a very short illness, and I was completely in a daze after that. I'm sorry about the condition your relative is in. My Nan and grandfather are both sick now, and my mom has signs of memory loss. I found something with my last T which didn't help with my abandonment. She told me, "People come and people go." Yeah, but they usually don't go with the illnesses I seem to becoming familiar with that are rare or taking beings quickly. It's been the story of my life basically.

 

[J'qel]

I went through ten years where every year I lost someone who meant something to me, one year I lost two. It drove me a little off the reservation in a lot of ways. Repeated deaths can do that, especially if you're not giving yourself space and time to grieve and you lack support in your process.

I've grown a bit more used to it, and I suppose that's a good thing, because my parents aren't getting younger, nor are the rest of my husband's family. It was definitely not the optimal way to deal with death, but it helped me gain some insights as I was grieving for a long time, death and the loss were pretty much a preoccupation for me for a while.

If you can find a T who will help you better with this, by all means, but I wouldn't give up on one who has helped you in all other areas. Perhaps you could specifically seek out grief counselling in addition-or do you feel that after this your relationship with your T is too marred to withstand his remarks?

 

[MoriMermaid]

@J'qel

I experienced over 10 grief events last year in short succession everything from losing my job to pet loss to what happened with my friend. Had kind of this Grim Reaper feel for awhile where everything that was positive for me died. Since I've experienced all of this grief personally, I look at life with fresh eyes. I might even have cancer -- getting tested will settle my mind. To give myself space and time to grieve right now (especially with my friend) is something I wish I could do, but I can't take any time away right now. People don't know how short life can be. That's what bothers me the most -- that people don't often think something bad is going to happen and then it does and they weren't prepared or that I think people are carrying around a lot of grief and don't say.

I'm currently looking into seeing someone who knows about sexual violence. She's a therapist who would most likely know about grief.

 

[J'qel]

She's certainly understand it-but it may be more focused than just on grief itself.

As for life being short-I've always had an odd perception of time, to me, 100years is far too short. Years rush by so fast, I rarely even pay attention to days unless I have specific dates to keep in mind. So, when you say life is far too short I can do nothing but emphatically agree.

I hope your therapist/counselor/friend is able to help you manage this in person, sometimes just having someone to listen can help tremendously.