Wounded Child In A Grown Up Body - Taking A Risk By Sharing

[2notbedefeated]

Is this too crazy to post?

Last couple of days I have been feeling so small, so very small. I feel like a very young child living in a grown up body. So little, so small, so scared. I feel like I don't belong in this body I am occupying.

I don't fit.
I'm not ready. I feel like I am not ready to be a grown-up, I don't want to be a grown up, and I don't want to exist really. I can't cope with life.

I feel that I can't take care of myself. I don't know how to take care of myself. The world is too big for me. It is too overwhelming and I am not equipped to face life as it is.

I dont' want others to depend on me, but I have children of my own that do and I feel so unequipped to do so sometimes.

I'm just a body occupying space.
Out of touch with self, others, and life. Ugh!
Detached from this body.

This child is wounded and hurt I know, but I don't want anything to do with her. Nope, she doesn't deserve attention anyway. Who cares? I feel so lost and lonely.

I feel so misunderstood by others in my life. They don't get it, they don't want to get, They just want me to be the person they define me to be. I feel I can't be the real me, although right now, I sure as heck don't even know who that me is.

I'm just trying to put into words what I've been feeling the last couple of days. I feel just plain weriod. Yeah, yeah, depersonalization big time.

I feel like a robot put in auto-drive. I go through the motions of life as wife, mother, and ???, but I feel such a lack of connection right now. Ugh!

I do try very hard to make things pleasant for my family, but I feel "not in my body" right now and it makes it so very hard to relate and care for my family.

I'm scared to send this post out. I feel that many times when I have tried to reach out and share my gut level feelings others have made comments that have hurt rather than helped.

Being in this place is scarey.

I am angry at the child that lives in this body. I want to beat her up, kick her, pinch her, pull her hair, yell at her, say mean things to her, spit on her, hurt her, and hurt her, and hurt her. She doesn't deserve anything good, she's bad, she's always been bad, and she will continue to be bad.

Intellectually, I know these are all lies that I need to address, but it hurts to much to own them. There is fear in owning them, I guess, because I will have to change them. To change is stepping out of what's familiar and trying on another size. I don't feel ready yet, but I would like to get there sometime - I think.

I think there is a part of me that wants to rise above this, but why would anyone want to rise above it? What is the point in doing this?

A part of me so wishes I had never survived all the physical, emotional, and sexual abuse that I did. That "MAN" was psychotic! He did everything he could to destroy me, but I lived through it - why did I have to live through it? I can come up the "expected and logical" answer to this, but I am soooo hurting I can't stand it hardly.

I feel like a child who wants to throw the biggest temper tantrum in the world! To say, ???? I'm not sure what this child would say at the moment.

Is this too much to share in a post. Can anyone relate or understand? Is it safe to just let it out? Even when it doesn't make much sense, or it is illogical, or alittle crazy, or bizarre, or alittle irresponsible?

 

[Dylan]

Hi 2,

Oh, I don't find your post difficult to follow or understand at all! Your experience and feelings don't strike me as bizarre or irresponsible or...any other negative label out there! I remember, early on in working directly with the trauma, feeling so very similar to what you posted here.

In the beginning, my rage at not being able to "act normal" was directed entirely toward that kid inside. I pictured choking her to death, punching, kicking screaming at her because it was HER shit that made me act so strange, so much like a misfit, never belonging anywhere.

I also disocciated constantly, unpredictably and felt like I was trying to tread water, but the water was rising.

As far as the child expressing...I used a huge artist pad and water colors, markers, crayones, drawing -- anything that would help preverbal expression. Even non-dominant hand journaling is better than straight journaling. Even though my traumas occurred after I could talk, giving the child some preverbal tools like that helped me immensely. I used a lot of red, a lot of black. And blue for tears. That, in fact, helped me to quit cutting: using red lipstick on my wrists and legs, drawing huge tears on my face. Time alone was essential for processing this stuff.

HTH...you're not weird and you're not alone...
-Dylan

 

[Claire]

No, not weird at all. I understand totally.

BWT I like your name. It show's you're a fighter.

 

[cragger65]

I don't find your post strange, or too much. In my twenties, I would frequently "find" this lost, damaged child outside my door, shivering in the cold. I knew it was me, but God I could not admit it. I wish I had then, now I'm in my 40's and just learning to embrace and care for that child. I'm still confused, but I know now that compassion is the healthy response to that little person(s) within me.

I had to be shown a lot of compassion first, to even know what it was, where to start. I think you'll find that here, as a matter of fact I know from my own experience that you will. Hang in there hon, be good to yourself.

Dave

 

[lrs]

No you are not alone, or weird. Your story made perfect sense.
I might be a little older than you. I remember so vividly, years ago, wishing I could just be normal. The term PTSD had not yet been invented, but I knew, and everyone around me knew, there was something wrong. Years later, I was finally diagnosed as having PTSD.
Your story could almost be my story, word for word.
Anyhow, Welcome.

 

[zoe]

The only weird thing about your post to me was that parts of it almost sounded like a quote of what I said to my T a couple of weeks ago. The rest I know I have said before. It was like hearing myself talking!

So I guess that would make us both crazy?

 

[2notbedefeated]

Thanks! I do feel so embarrassed to admit what I think sometimes. Most people would not understand the craziness and confusion that goes on in my head. Nice to know I'm not alone.

Thanks for helping me to feel comfortable to share what really goes on inside me no matter how "wacky" it may sound. I'm beginning to feel at home and comfortable here. I can't tell you how wonderful it is to be able to read these posts and talk with you all and not feel like I have to be guarded or protective, or put up a front to please others.

It's so nice to just relax and let my hair down. To learn to find and discover the real me that is hiding somewhere in this body. To let the thoughts in my head out and to relieve that pressure inside me that wants to just explode at times.

If I'm pouring stuff out, it's because I have not found any other outlet to do so. The support group near where I live is full, and there are 3 names ahead of mine on the waiting list, and the facilatator feels that I might not be ready for group, because of the flood of memories that were surfacing. She felt I might be too triggered by others stories and it might overwhelm me and I would be PTSD'ing all over the place.

This is the very first time that I have had any recollection and memories of the sexual abuse that I experienced as a young preschooler. It's been over the past 4 months that I have been having memories and flashbacks.

My therapist is way too booked with patients to give me the time I seem to be needing right now. I just have so much going through my head, so much, so fast. He just doesn't have the time to listen to me. I am starving to share my thoughts and talk about things I'm thinking, remembering and feeling. I see him twice a week, but 50 min, just is not enough time for me to bring up all I want to talk about.

I'm always afraid if people knew what I was thinking they would throw me into that padded cell real quick and throw away the key. I'm actually sane - really?

I want to try facing these memories if I can just get them out. It's like a horror show. If a person were to put a camcorder to my head and tape all the memories and dreams I have been having and then show them as horror movies I'd make a fortune.

I don't know where to begin really. I just want to jump in and deal with this stuff. I'm tired of holding them in, but I'm also afraid to let them out. I feel stuck. I am very confused by all this stuff. I feel like I'm to blame, filled with shame, oh the pain!

I appreciate being able to just let my thoughts come out. It's keeping them inside that's making me feel like I might go crazy. Letting them out helps sooo much. I appreciate being able to do this here.

A few years ago I started self-injuring and was able to stop and haven't done it in over 3 years. Well, this past month I started doing it again.

Panic and the feelings that I am going to lose it and go crazy will overwhelm me. I just didn't know what to do to relieve these feelings. The intensity of panic, the intensity of emotion, Ugh! I would just spin circles around in my living room floor trying to decide what to do.

I really try to contain them. I do try, but nothing seems to work quick enough. To self-injure and burn myself is the only thing that seems to help relieve the pressure and intensity inside. I know it sounds crazy, but it calms me down immediately and actually stops the confusion and gives me clarity of thought. (Of course it takes real clarity of thought to think about doing such a thing is the answer to begin with, right?!) Boy, am I going nuts here or what.

This is too long, sorry. I just don't have anyone to talk to about this stuff. I'm afraid to share alot of what happened with my husband and I don't want anyone I live around to know. So here I am.

Thanks for listening and for your supportive comments:)

 

[2notbedefeated]

Thank you, thank you, thank you:) I think I found my "home" here. Wow, such a relief to be here. Now that I have a place to share with others, I think I just might be able to relax for the first time in months. I hope to encourage and support you, the way you are encouraging and supporting me.

 

[BassistKara]

Like everybody else has stated, it's not weird or strange at all!

I feel exactly as you described like being a young child in a grown ups body too. Although, after i had the major revelation about grief and loss(i had a thread about it a while back too) it just kicked up a gear. My therapist says i need to find a way to care about that scared little girl paralysed with fear, but at the moment, i don't feel like she deserves it.

Along the lines of what Dylan said, it was that little childs fault i wasn't normal. I personally feel like that child died after my first trauma, which provides more anger and rage about the fact it was her problem not mine to deal with, and then she died and left all of it on my shoulders. I shouldn't be feeling this or going through this, because in that train of thought, it isn't my problem. Ahh, don't you just love detachment?!

I'm a cutter too, so i know what you mean about it being the only thing that makes your mind shut up and give you some "clarity" and relief of the tsunami of thoughts swirling around your mind.
I've only been seriously working on and through my trauma for the past 12 months, but have found with every new piece of information i learn about my trauma and every step i've taken, however small, to improve basic coping skills(those 2 kind of go together too, i guess!), i've been cutting less and less. Still not completely free, but i don't think i will be either, until i have some really non-destructive stable effective coping skills in place.

Even though it's a slow hellish process, keep working through things. You've already made the first step in deciding to going to therapy! Best of luck.

 

[sallysellsseashells]

Why cut? You are meant to be healing. I know with PTSD the body heals faster, but I am not going to hurt my body after what it's been through! I'm in enough pain! Why do people say it relieves them? Relief for me would be a painkiller that actually works without having to come close to overdosing on it! Can someone please explain to me what cutting does, because I know of people who don't have PTSD who have done this... It doesn't make sense to me. I actually see this behaviour as really rediculous! Wether it works or not (and I can't see how it works, and I'm not going to try it - though it seems like I might have to to understand). Warn me if it's addictive or something. My mother used to mutilate her face, my brother did it to his arms and legs, he got people to put out siggarettes in him "for fun", both my brothers set eachother on fire and themselves regularly, friends have cut in groups, and some people seem to get kicks out of sports injuries... It just doesn't make any sense! It's very distressing for me to hear/read about this, as someone once tried to stage a suicide on me (they put razor blades in my bed)... and it keeps bringing this up for me. I know it doesn't hurt if you don't know your cut, but how can anyone knowingly do that to themself? I'm not judging. I'm just asking the question, because I don't 'get' it! As for me surviving that, the wounds were shallow, and I only found out I was bleeding because I was itchy where the cuts were and I turned on the light to see why... and there was blood all over the place (I was cut in several places). Afterwards I wondered if I had put them in my own bed, but I can't think why I would do that.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi Sally,

I can only say from my humble opinion- and I don't entirely understand it myself. I have been self-abusive (after about 6 months after initial trauma when I found all of the other "unhealthy coping mechanisms didn't work"), and then again about 10 years later (similar trauma triggers, though I didn't realize it at the time). I did not cut, however.

Think much (for me) had to do with self-hatred, trying to stop intrusive thoughts, guilt, and really total desperation with no available healthy coping mechanism.

I can only describe it like feeling like you are an "emotional bomb" ready to blow up even to a worse degree, so it becomes the lesser of 2 evils if it (momentarily) interferes with the other emotions - emotional pain in particular.
Sort of like, pinching your arm at the dentist so you won't "feel"/ concentrate on the needle you're going to get in the face. (but that's an example of interfering with physical pain - not emotional pain.)

Does that make any sense whatsoever? (-Probably not!)
Just MHO.

 

[Mina]

The best way I can describe it, Sally, is that for me, cutting, burning, and other self-injuring is a way of channeling/translating emotional pain and/or distracting yourself from emotional pain. There's so much emotional pain and feeling and you're just on total overload and then...ahhh, that feels better, to feel something physically hurting. And then you have something you can point to and say, "That hurts," intead of all this nebulous, overwhelming emotional pain you can't even begin to describe or let out.

2notbedefeated, I'm glad you've found this place and feel comfortable here. And your first post was very understandable. Btw, I've found that sometimes screaming and throwing a tantrum (if you're in a safe place to do so) can be really helpful, and has made me feel better.