Wounded Child In A Grown Up Body - Taking A Risk By Sharing

[Tinyflame]

Yes 2, I think many of us feel exactly that way, that's where the "numbing part" comes into play.

And that's exactly why they designed even this Forum that way- because "we" are so inclined to think in "black or white".

Terrific for you to have come so far already, though it probably doesn't feel like it.
I have read your diary - I'm sorry. You are not, and were never, to blame.

 

[2notbedefeated]

I wish it was easier for me to see that it was not my fault. I do feel to blame because I went back to him over and over for two years. What the heck was wrong with me? I can his voice in my head saying, "Remember, walked over here, I didn't grab you and bring you here. You came to see me. You want this. You ask me to keep doing these things to you." Ugh!

When will his stupid voice shut up! How can I make him shut up? He so teased me - that however is for another diary entry.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think most of the, if not all, do that.

It's part of the psychological control and mind games (for adults or children victims) to make you feel like it's your fault; therefore don't say anything.

I have had an experience (as an adult) like that wherein I believe now that I always was hoping to "relive it" and "change the ending", partly. -Also to minimze it as "not such a big deal".

 

[Tinyflame]

..Oops, top word is "them", of course, "fingers" faster than brain :)

 

[2notbedefeated]

I have felt very much like the little wounded child today:( I''m trying to pick up my spirit. I tried to have and intimate with my husband today. Well, past stuff kept flooding into my mind ruining everything........and well, ......... I was so disappointed.

Will I ever get over the sexual abuse and other stuff? It's so frustrating! Ugh...... What is a person to do? I try, but just not to successful right now. Does it get better?

I went to my therapy appointment just feeling so defeated, so small, so weak, so confused and sad. I hate when I feel like that little 5-7 year old girl. Everything seems so much bigger than me. Life just seems so overwhelming at times, so huge, so powerful.

I hate feeling so little, so defenseless, so weak, so NOT in control. I cry, I'm sad, I feel fragile and lonely, lost and helpless. Oh well.

It's as if life could swallow me, chew me to bits, and spit me out and that would be the end of my life! Shattered, broken, lost, engulfed with sadness, and yet I realize I have a choice so........ I guess I will continue to declare I will not be defeated by this stupid PTSD stuff.

 

[Tinyflame]

That's a good choice, 2.

Guess sometimes healing involves experiencing all those feelings as a child (or otherwise) that have been denied to move on and be able to put them (eventually) away as more of a memory than having to "re-live" them at some level constantly.

One thing I can say from my experience is that it's tumultous, -never a dull moment, boy. (:eek:)

You're doing great, a lot depends on the Baby Steps.
Perevere, you have lots of support behind you. :smile:

 

[want to know the truth]

hurting child within

You're not crazy. I think I can understand how you feel. Obviously I'm not you, but that sounds painfully familiar. The end of this last semester I was feeling emotionally numb and disconnected, scatter-brained, tiny. It was a creepy feeling, like I wanted to crawl out of my skin and get away from me. Sadly that's not possible. I used to feel worthless and have no direction for my life. I finally know what I want to do, but I also feel like a little kid and like growing up is scary. The world is not a safe place for that hurting inner child. There are so many demands on a person's life. I can only imagine how hard it is to have kids who depend on you and you feel like a kid.

It's not my place to tell you what to do, but I think it would do you a world of good to get to know that inner child, love her, and nurture her. She's you, and she's hurting. Taking care of her and really knowing who you are deep inside can help you heal. I'm just figuring me out, and it's a process. If you want to know who you are deep inside, spend time somewhere safe and quiet and don't be afraid to find out what you need to know to heal. That hurt little child inside isn't bad. Maybe it's just the hectic schedule you keep, maybe it's more to do with the pain you've been through, but she's not bad, she's just trying to get your attention. Kids are creative about that because sometimes they just don't have the words to tell you why they're hurting or how they're hurting. If you change your thought patterns and use positive self talk regularly it can put you in a better place so you can think and so you can acknowledge and feel your feelings. Yes, feelings can be scary, but they're necessary.

It's great you want to rise above the pain, but pain can become comfortable because it's what we know even if we hate it. Don't let fears stand in the way of your healing because you will regret it. Please take the time to take care of the hurting child within. She'll thank you, and your life might take a turn for the better. :o)

"This above all to your own self be true; be your own closest friend--and be gentle with you." -P.K. Hallinan

 

[2notbedefeated]

Poor little girl who hurt so much she wants to crawl into a corner, close her eyes, and wish the world away.

Poor little girl hurt and wounded, feeling worthless and wonders if she really fits any where.

Poor little girl, I want to turn and walk away from her, but I will try to stay, even if it i just staying in the same room with her. Usually I walk away in disgust and hatred, and I shut the door - keeping her in there cause she's not worth the time of day.

I choose to give her maybe a minute or two of my time, and I will try to stay in the room with her for a little while with her, but it's too painful to stay for too long cause I don't like this wounded girl very much.

I hope to learn how to engage her in some small way. I don't feel safe with her, don't know why exactly, perhaps too much pain. Yeah that's it, it's too much pain that she carries and I will just break into pieces if I take on too much of her pain and stuff.

I will try to just imagine that I can be with her for a few minutes, and just think about how she is doing. This is very scary to do. I can't take too much right now, but I will try, and try, and try, I guess. What other option do I have?

 

[Kunoichi]

2not,

I have that little child in me as well (realizing now that i had gone thu abuse as well from about age 9 to when my second set of abuse started). I am having to learn to let her exist but to realize that I can tell her now that she is ok and its ok that she is in pain. That even if no one else seems to realize it, God does and God loves her too. I know it seems wierd to think of that little hurt child in you as a nother person..but maybe that is what you can imagine. Trying to comfort your own special little child.

 

[2notbedefeated]

You have heard the short nursery rhyme, This Little Piggy went to the marked, this little piggy...: it goes something like this, although I can remember all the lines, this is what is going through my head.

This little girl went to the market. This little girl stayed home. This little girl went "boo hoo, boo hoo" all the way home.

Poor little girl who just doesn't know what to do with herself under so much stress, pain, and fear.

This is sort of how I feel right now. The wounded child in me is very scared, hurting, and wanting to run and hide from life, and if she could she would shrink into nothingness to avoid this pain and fear.

She is very afraid to grow up. She doesn't want to grow up and feels she can not handle life. Not sure why exactly this wounded child in me feels this way, but I do, the future and growing older scares the heck out of me, and I'm in my forties, good grief... how insane is that.
,
I don't want to do life anymore. Does anyone else ever feel that way? I do, all the time. It's haunting and crazy. I feel trapped in this huge bubble of fear that I can't get away from, and every day is bringing me closer and closer to my fear of growing older.

It's like riding a bicycle without any brakes and you are going down hill fast. You
can't stop it and there isn't a whole lot you can do about it, in order to avoid the inevitable process of aging and death. The haunting fear. I hate that.

 

[2notbedefeated]

Why is it that just about the time I begin to feel some safety and security something happens and this "security blanket" get yanked so quickly away from me?

I am so, so sad. I feel I am going to be crushed by my sadness and pain. Ugh, I can't seem to get rid of all the tears that just come and come. I feel as if I can't bear this much longer.

I need to hear a kind, warm, soothing voice, but its nowhere to be found.

 

[2notbedefeated]

I wish that I didn't go into these "regressive" type modes. I am not always aware when I go into them. Usually it is when I and scared, overwhelmed, feel I've done something bad, or feeling great shame.

I didn't realize I had been sleeping underneath my desk last night until my husband tried waking me up to get me into bed later. This is so werid. I guess I feel safe there.

I had the beginnings of a new memory/flashback this morning and it's freaking me out alittle. I will be writing it in my journal. I'm so hurting right now. The little girl in me sometimes just gets so tried of trying and not seeming to make alot of progress.

My wounded child is so afraid to grow up. She doesn't think she can take care over herself if left alone. She fears being left abandoned and alone in her "mixed up" crazy world, it seems like so few really understand.