Sufferer Wounded In The Battle Of Life, Is This Complex Ptsd?

[Jasray]

Hi
I am new to this forum and I just need to know if anyone could read my written short journal that I have started to write to see if anyone thinks I suffer with complex ptsd because I really can identify with what I have read about it so far. I would appreciate your kind help and thankyou for your time. Please read below:

Wounded in the battle of life!

An honest & personal observation from a traumatised mind

This is a personal need to document what I felt was so confusing and so painful that words could not fully explain it without feeling the pain to go with it but nevertheless this is a very honest attempt to explain it, if only for myself and close family members or even a therapist. If it benefits or relates to others in any way, then I sincerely hope they can find some comfort and move forward positively knowing that this true story has given them a small contribution from myself to help them know that they are not alone. I am already starting to feel guilty about doing this but I am going to proceed anyway as I have to break my original pattern

It has to be in written form as I could never speak like this to any person. In fact when I speak to people I cannot find the words or feelings I need but when writing, it comes easier for me. My emotional and psychological problems will not allow me to communicate sufficiently to people or crowds. To speak in front of a crowd at this moment is an excruciatingly frightening thought of unbelievable proportion, although I have done this in the past

It is a story of childhood trauma continuing into adult confusion, breakdown, anger and the need to finally confront my fears once and for all. There is absolutely no desire for revenge or blaming, I just need to come through this in a positive and meaningful manner. In fact, if I could bring every person who has injured me together and magically make them totally safe from harming me, I would like nothing better and it would indeed make me very happy. That is because these very people who have hurt me have also given me joy and have some great characteristics in their personalities

I chose the title "Wounded in the battle of life" as I feel it is appropriate. I see life as a battle. Just like a battle, some people get hurt and some people don't. Some people get wounded early in the battle, some later on. Life's stresses, problems and traumas are the bullets, missiles and bombs. My injury occurred very early in life and has left me wounded by what I feel was a massive explosion. Yes, a big open wound that up to now has not healed and is still very painful, although I am beginning to dress and treat this wound, I still have a long way to go

Of course, I am not speaking about physical injury, I'm speaking about something far more insidious and far more confusing. I am referring to psychological injury resulting from a traumatised childhood continuing into adult life while the brain was developing and then time standing still as a child with haunting childhood memories and terrors, freezing my development to the point where that undeveloped brain cannot now be utilised fully as an adult with adult emotions, adult socialising, adult reasoning and all the other adult psyche that we need to lead a reasonably efficient and healthy life

What I am hoping to get from this is how it happened, why it happened and how I can move forward and put it all behind me. I now know how it happened and why but I need to move forward now. I know that it can never be forgotten, I know that it can never be fully healed, but I need to know that I can live with it the best and most painless way possible and I need others to know this too

The trauma has left me feeling like I don't know who I really am. I feel like I have no real identity and cannot find any strength to plan or prepare properly with lifelong goals in mind. This is because I had lost all meaning to life, all faith in the most basic human aspirations and I felt like I lost all faith in humanity in general

Although I feel like I have no identity, I will briefly try to explain a little bit about what type of person I have become:

I am a male in my 50's, married with 4 children & 6 grandchildren, in fact my family would seem like a normal everyday family with normal everyday problems, nothing more, nothing less.

I am a very deep person, who scrutinises every single detail to near perfection as possible. This includes comments from people, rules and regulations, explanations and intentions. I will literally project scenarios of what if's and mentally make a back up plan if the worst case scenario unfolds.
I will read between the lines of everything, or even read every single facial expression and body language message and project in my mind what that person is trying to really say or is really feeling along with their normal communicated feelings and words

I am extremely alert and sensitive when it comes to people. I have often identified things in my mind immediately, when it took most people to realise a long time after

I am very suspicious and cynical when it comes to people of authority

I always look at the worst case scenario and very often will catastrophise if things go wrong

I always like to please others and will not assert my rights or preferences above others and often pay highly for it

I am very nervous in front of people and I have a habit of apologising all the time for normal blunders that most people woulden't even consider

I try to withdraw to isolation as often as circumstances allow

I absolutely have an inner extreme rage against injustice or bullying or any kind of person elevating themselves above others for their own ego or gain or pleasure. Even onlookers or bystanders who just do nothing enrages me even though I might be that onlooker

I much prefer to communicate with females and I particularly hate coming into contact with strong willed boisterous arrogant people, particularly males and people of authority

I cannot live and enjoy "the moment", I am continually locked in the past and worried about the future and my family

I cannot cope with small problems and stresses without becoming very anxious and nervous and angry

I am a perfectionist and believe that everyone's opinion of what I do is of the utmost importance, I have no self worth and lack a dignified feeling

I get embarrassed very easily and will palpitate with overwhelming feelings of despair and self consciousness, this even happens if I just walk through a street, let alone a crowd

I have no confidence in myself and I always think that people are looking for my faults and mistakes

I am never violent or angry in front of people or towards them and will always try to treat them mildly and kindly although in private I get very angry and enraged

I cannot communicate accurately or fluently with people causing them to misunderstand me at times

I feel no sense of self or who I am as a definite person making me become almost an actor playing many different roles for each person I communicate with

This list is just a brief outline of what I am or what I have become. Some people tell me that I have very good qualities and that I am a nice person but I know that some things on this list would antagonise some people or wind them up and agitate them and they would be right as they agitate me also but I have to pay a heavy price for it. This comes in the form of many physical symptoms including, severe migraine headaches, stomach problems, sleep problems, needless worries, mistaken concerns, extreme exhaustion and in the last couple of years many muscle and joint pains all over my body

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Very much could be, a lot of stuff matches up, but a professional would be needed for diagnosis, outside observation, as one's inner perception can be misguiding, you know, feeling ain't fact.

Welcome to the forums, and hopefully this place helps you :) Sending hugs :hug:

 

[Nikie]

Hallo Jasray .. Welkom on the forum .. For me I am no profetional so its not for me to give you an answer to your question. But I can say Only this ....phewww I can relay to so many of those things lol..:speechless:
"Wounded in the battle of life" is such a great title for your life experience .. I know you came to the right place to find answers and I truley hope there would be a lot of people that can help you..

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Maybe making a trauma diary helps? I really suggest that

 

[Jasray]

Basically my Dad was the problem. He was very religious but I think he misinterpreted his very own religion due to his own childhood trauma (wartime). Obviously I looked into the religion in detail myself when older and I could clearly see that the religion in no way endorsed his behaviour towards myself and other 4 siblings. He was a very frightening man and strong and powerful with a very powerful voice also which many grown ups at the time feared themselves. He was'ent totally abusive all the time and I could clearly see he had deep emotional over reaction problems. It was like living with a dictator in a totalitarian system. For me, it was the not knowing when we was under threat that really frightened me. I was a very shy child anyway but my Dad's strictness broke my spirit as a chld. When I was attracted to the same religion myself, I got a lot of comfort from the bible but had massive problems relating to a personal loving God. My mind seems to reset itself to default of God being a seriously over strict God wanting to punish me but the bible clearly makes him out to be a loving God. I am sure that I am relating to my Father in some way and getting confused. I can intellectually say this to myself but feeling it is a different matter

 

[Gucci]

Hi Jasray, and welcome to the forum.

I can relate to many of the traits you list, and would say that you're definitely coping with symptoms of complex ptsd and are coming to an awareness of intergenerational trauma. I was struck by the gap between your public persona and what you experience in private; that degree of difference typically has to do with an 'ideal self' that is used to function and protect yourself from all the confusion and chaos and shame of what you've endured as a child.

If you pursue therapy, find someone who specialises in ptsd/childhood trauma. If you're up to personal research, get Pete Walker's book called 'Complex PTSD: From surviving to thriving', which is an excellent primer on what it is, the fallout of childhood abuse, and strategies to cope with it. Another excellent author is Charles Whitfield, whose books on the effects of trauma once you're an adult are very thorough and accessible. I'd venture to say that you're beginning the process of figuring out what happened to you and why you're behaving the way you do.

I think you'll find it very helpful to get a grip on the 'mechanics' of abusive family dynamics and start connecting the dots regarding why you behave the way you do now. As helpless and vulnerable children, we were 'corrupted' with very unhelpful 'programs', and until you become aware of what program you're living, nothing will change. The considerable distress you're experiencing now is normal - if you've never had a strong inner self or known who you truly are, you will be anxious and angry and feel out of control.
If you've not come across terms like 'parentification' or 'codependency' you'll encounter that in the literature I've cited. The concept of 'shame' and an understanding of boundaries or lack therefore, are also significant pieces of the puzzle.

There are several helpful youtube channels on childhood trauma you might find useful: Lisa A. Romano and a psychotherapist called Ross Rosenberg provide great information. Pia Mellody is also an excellent resource on youtube.

Good luck and best for you as you recover your true self!

gucci

 

[stillstanding2]

Hi
I am new to this forum and I just need to know if anyone could read my written short journal that I ha...

Welcome Jazray. You are a good writer. Thanks for joining the forum. Parts of your short journal could have been lifted from mine. My traumatic circumstances have been different, but the results are quite similar in many ways.

I'm no longer the perfectionist that you may be, but I share the sensitivities and many of the worries that you express. It could be that I've grown somewhat apathetic in my 60s, claiming to myself that I have little else to prove. But the questions stay waiting for their occasional airings.

I do have diagnosed PTSD. And I believe, since trauma began literally with birth defects, that I shall always have the condition. I have been through numerous other traumas and tragedies, and have been spared death several times, even without my full cooperation. So I assume that could constitute "Complex PTSD"

However, I am not alone, nor are you. You've come to the right place, for seemingly the best of reasons. There are people here who understand, and you are one of us.

 

[Born to Run]

Maybe this guide to the DSM-5 can help you. Dead Link Removed
It contains criteria and symptoms for PTSD as CPTSD is not in the DSM-5.

Or the description of CPTSD by Judith Herman, the famous author of Trauma and Recovery. https://traumainform.wordpress.com/2012/07/07/judith-herman-and-the-formulation-of-c-ptsd/

 

[Chava]

Welcome! I'm on some pain meds and might have missed some little spots in your writing, so sorry if that's the case, but is seeing a psychologist or therapist for diagnosis or direction an option for you? I'm sure many of us relate to some of your struggles, but the childhood stuff can be quite a thing to untangle and it's worth finding a good therapist to work with, if that's possible.

I had PTSD diagnosed years ago, but am now working with a therapist who refers to it as complex trauma because of the earlier childhood traumas before assault (which I had never talked about much before...birth trauma, medical, physical abuse, and a dissociative and disconnected mother who came to life primarily when raging {possible early sexual abuse based on my nightmares and behavior as a kid, but without "normal" memories this is not something I'm exactly working on}).

The childhood stuff more likely shapes how I interact with people on a daily basis, and it sounds like you are connecting your current struggles to your upbringing as well. I don't personally relate to your specific responses, aside from isolation (I do that quite well!!). I don't give a shit about authority and I've often been the boisterous one because I've been well enough detached to not quite care (plus often high on my own adrenaline). I've gotten in trouble for mouthing off to a boss in the past. I'm much better with all of this though (after it started backfiring). My boundaries are a little sketchy, which is pretty common with childhood trauma, however it plays out (boundaries too tight, or spilling over). So, just in my opinion, I don't see your issues as any clear cut way for diagnosis, but certainly worth taking seriously and meeting with a professional if that's an option for you, so you can get some direction.

One thing is sure...our upbringing shapes our views of ourselves and likely a good portion of our personalities. And if you are not happy with where you are at but feel trapped by deep patterns, like those formed very early, some form of therapy might be helpful.

Complex trauma (and many other issues) can connect to the identity issues and feeling like we have no "self". That's hard to sort out, I know. For the thinking things, like catastrophizing, some people find help through cognitive-behavioral therapy. It's a place to consider starting if you've never done therapy (and quite easy to find). But for trauma CBT alone sometimes doesn't totally cut it. But it really depends on you and the therapist. Anything from childhood can have a fairly global effect (like effecting us on several levels), and it is so individual, so it can be hard to sort out what is the best approach. Looking for some info here is a good start. Hopefully you slowly find ways to make sense of how things are for you.

 

[intothelight]

@Jasray Welcome! :)

I could relate with much of what you have written as I am sure many members here can. There are a lot of differing opinions on complex PTSD and whether or not it should have its own diagnosis. Personally, I am not one for labels but understanding as to what may be the underlying source/cause of a problem and ways to resolve it. I hope you find the information here helpful to your own healing.

 

[Mmar]

Basically my Dad was the problem. He was very religious but I think he misinterpreted his very own religi...

I could have written what you did myself. The strong, raging father, feeling like one was in a warzone and the ensuing confusion and difficulty of trusting the Father figure of God in adulthood....