Writing Resume - Over Quarter Of A Century Of Repeated Patterns

[Anarchy]

This is me finding a distraction from the task I should be doing.

As I'm writing out my employment history I'm seeing a constantly repeating patterns of cycles within cycles of:

my avoidance and seeking distractions, ending in last minute rushed work and crises. Writing this is a piece of avoidance in itself.

Of feeling insecure and avoiding calling people and ending up pissing them off and me feeling even less able to face them.

Of being singled out by narcissists to be their play thing.

of being unable to make realistic plans and follow through on them let alone deliver on time or within budget.

Of people I'm supposed to be supervising, refusing to do what they are paid to, and my line managers telling me not to upset the person who's fudging the results - because we can't afford to loose them. The implication being that if the fudge is ever discovered, I'm the one who'll be blamed, and if I blow the whistle I'll be the trouble maker, and of me not having the confidence to either face both of them down, or to go over their heads to the big boss.

All stuff to be avoided or, if questions about difficult experiences come up, spun in the best possible light at a job interview, but all patterns to be identified and addressed by me.

Damn, how did I ever manage to work? and how does anyone else with PTSD manage to?

 

[scout86]

I manage to work by being self employed. I know this is different for everyone and not everyone would do "self employed" well, but it works for me.

I'm in a field where I provide a service and I focus on doing it very well. (I'm a farrier.) The three biggest reasons a person fires their farrier are 1) Doesn't return phone calls (OK, this one is a challenge!) 2) Doesn't show up 3) Beats up a horse. 2 & 3 I can generally handle. 1? Well, to begin with, I'm training my clients to email me. I have a tendency to get distracted and forget to return phone calls. I, occasionally, put off returning email, but I don't forget, because they are there, staring at me, every time I check my email. My T knows I have a "thing" about phone calls. Recently, he asked how I was doing on keeping on with returning them. I made the excuse that "At the end of the day, the last thing I feel like doing is returning phone calls." He said, "Maybe you need to redefine the end of the day." (Oh, you mean like the day's not over until the last phone call is returned? Yikes! I hate it when he's right!)

By being my own boss, I don't have to deal with office politics. I don't have to explain myself, I just have to show up and do my job. I can tailor my schedule to what works for me, as long as it also works for my clients. (No time clock!) If I get to a point where I CAN'T show up, I call in sick and don't have to offer any explanations. If I REALLY can't stand someone, I refuse to work for them. (You can't do that real often, of course.) I don't have to deal with ANYONE for more than a brief period of time on a given day. If I don't feel like talking, I'm totally absorbed in my work.....

This isn't for everyone, but, if you're willing to take responsibility for yourself, it's great.

 

[Lost214]

I eventually had to give up working. Just couldn't keep it together anymore. My moods are so inconsistent I can't really plan anything. I avoid friends, family. Cancelled doc appointments because I just can't bring myself to go. The last few years have been so hard. It doesn't sound like your boss is very supportive. I feel to be successful at working with ptsd you need workplace support and an atmosphere that you feel secure in. Try to eliminate stressors as best you can. Consider a position with less responsibility if at all possible. Check into Americans with disability act for some ideas and guidance. Personally I've found employers really do not want to deal with the accommodations that are sometimes needed for a employee with ptsd to be successful. Even small ones. But that doesn't mean you will have same experience

 

[Recovery4Me]

my avoidance and seeking distractions, ending in last minute rushed work and crises. Writing this is a piece of avoidance in itself.
Of feeling insecure and avoiding calling people and ending up pissing them off and me feeling even less able to face them.
Of being singled out by narcissists to be their play thing.
of being unable to make realistic plans and follow through on them let alone deliver on time or within budget.

I took the liberty to quote this part of your post as today I am a tad distracted myself and wanted to stay focused! ;)
There are some personalities that flourish with intermediate motivation from their colleagues as well as superiors and actually can heighten their productivity when slightly supported/guided in a collaborative system that allows one to feel valued and safe.

What I hear is not necessarily a sympton of PTSD in and of itself (although most certainly PTSD could be escalated by the stress cup load) but...perhaps an by-product of an environment + personalities (cultures) that did not afford you proper respect, motivation and feelings of security within that culture. Incremental steps are essential to goal setting and should be supported through out your projects by your leaders.

BTW, the fact that narcissist sought you out seriously suggest that you are a caring person that tries to please others! They love their supply of attention and only select the best to insure their feeding. So I suppose what I am awkwardly trying to offer is that you must be a wonderful addition to any establishment that just needs what many do within a work environment. I do not see fault, I see unharnessed potential. Be gentle on yourself, perhaps?

Just my 2cents, excuse if I missed the mark as you perceive it...but still be kind to you.:)

 

[Anarchy]

Wow, thanks guys (ladies),

I got the CV/resume completed, but the covering letter - oh dear.

I kept finding distractions, and I'd no sooner got myself back to it, and I was off distracting again.

I am able to recognize after a few minutes what I am doing, but have not yet got the mindfullness to catch myself as I'm starting to do it. I managed not to beat myself up for doing it and with gentle prodding from my friend, I got the letter completed and emailed before 5pm.

I treated myself to a long walk after that. Last night's tail end of the old hurricane had passed through without incident, and the weather was good. I realized that I was slightly dissociated, but was able to ground reasonably quickly, and enjoy exploring an area that I haven't walked before.

There's lots of work to do, but at least I now know what the problems are and some possible solutions to work with.

@scout86 I'm toying with the idea of getting into re aligning big lathes and mills (by scraping metal off) as something where I can work for myself with as little office politics as possible, nd its an area where the current practitioners are retiring and dying off with no one to follow them.