Wrong name

[EveHarrington]

I think it would be unethical of him to deny seeing family if you ask him directly.

 

[Suzetig]

Is there any chance an otherwise ethical T would be seeing two members of the same family without those people knowing?

No, that wouldn't be ethical, but it would be unethical for him to talk to you about other clients (i.e. confirming denying who else uses him as a therapist) because that would breach their confidence.

I think it's appalling that he's getting your name wrong and would call him out on it. When you've been in therapy have you called your sister by name? Would he know it's a family name? My reason for asking is that I can think of someone who I always call the wrong name - let's say her name is Linda and I always call her Laura - because in my head she looks like a Laura. If my T sent me written communication but used the wrong name, I'd return it explaining that he's sent it to the wrong person. What do you do when he calls you the wrong name?

It may not be that he's seeing someone else in your family but I'd share those thoughts with him - id ask that hypothetically though "so, if someone else in my family wanted to come to you would you accept them as a client too". That way you can discuss the issue without putting him at risk of breaching anyone's confidence.

In all honesty though, regardless of your family dynamic, I'd be highly pissed off if my T kept getting my name wrong.

 

[The Albatross]

One I had briefly for marriage counseling kept calling me "Dorothy"... which bugged me a bit, but my name is unusual and I was used to it so I didn't care too much about it. By the 3rd month he finally got it straight but by then we had to ditch it for bigger fish to fry. When it came up again and we needed more marriage counseling we didn't go back though.

 

[scout86]

My first thought was to wonder if he knows your sister, so that's not just you, being paranoid.

There might be a couple of advantages to asking him about this and discussing it. First, you'd get your questions answered. Second, once you've had the conversation, I think he's going to be more likely to remember your name.

From what I remember you saying about your family, in the past, I can totally understand your concerns.

 

[DogwoodTree]

I should clarify--he does get my name right sometimes...most of the time. And yes, I've mentioned my sister by name. My sister and my mom are big issues I'm having to deal with right now because of our family business (I work with them), so her name has come up more than most other names. So it makes sense he would get the names mixed up sometimes...but usually the problem is a therapist getting my sisters' names mixed up since they don't know my sisters, but they still know which of those names is mine.

If it had only happened once or twice in a conversation where we're talking about her a lot, that would make more sense. That's what it was the first time. But when he called me by her name in an email to me this week, where he was responding to an email I sent him updating him on an issue with my mom (and my sister wasn't mentioned in the email), that was worse.

I'm thinking about bringing in a couple of photographs so he can put faces to the names, and maybe that will help him keep it all straight.

 

[UnicornSightings]

I should clarify--he does get my name right sometimes...most of the time. And yes, I've ment...

Dude no. Getting it wrong "only a FEW times"??? No. Unless your names are Lily and Tilly I do NOT think it's difficult to remember your own client's name...

Send him an email. It's easiest.
Dear Bob (or whatever his name is)

My name is dhekijsjqidhh. Please stop calling me by my sister's name as it's adding to my trauma. Thank you.

 

[DogwoodTree]

No, that wouldn't be ethical, but it would be unethical for him to talk to you about other clients (i.e. confirming denying who else uses him as a therapist) because that would breach their confidence.

That's what I figured...

id ask that hypothetically though "so, if someone else in my family wanted to come to you would you accept them as a client too".

But how would he know if a new client is related to an existing client until the new client starts giving names? Unless his existing clients have listed off all the people they're related to, the T wouldn't necessarily make the connection until, possibly, months into the therapy relationship. Right?

 

[DogwoodTree]

Dude no. Getting it wrong "only a FEW times"??? No.

Y'all must have a much stronger sense of self than I do. I can't imagine actually getting angry at someone for mixing up my name, even my T. My DH maybe, but that's about it.

I had a boss who called me Kim (not at all my name) for a few days, and I never pointed it out. He only figured it out when one day he was standing behind me in a busy room and calling out "Kim! Kim!" and I didn't answer because I didn't hear it. He was getting angry that I wasn't answering, and it never even occurred to me he was talking to me because I wasn't trained to respond to that name, you know?

Maybe it's partly because I don't much like my name. I don't identify with it, anymore than I identify with the face I see in the mirror.

 

[anonymous]

Maybe he is doing that purposely to find out when you will have the strength to address it, when you no longer feel invisible and you have a voice and can correct him if he's calling you by your sister's name.

 

[DogwoodTree]

Maybe he is doing that purposely to find out when you will have the strength to address it,

I wondered that, in my paranoia...but isn't that kind of manipulative to test people like that?

When I first started therapy, I thought the therapist would see directly into my soul and would present all kinds of tests and twists and subconscious challenges and pressure. Because that's what I had seen going on in the spirituality and in the lay counseling my mom's church did (and my dad's, too, but in a different way), both as I was growing up and saw it again in some ways as an adult. It seemed the message was always, "Are you going to pass this test? And what about this one? And now this one?" Seemed like life revolved around passing tests in order to gain admission and acceptance and approval. And you could never pass enough tests or do well enough on a test to truly relax. There were always more tests...not "formal" tests, like what schools give, but subtle evaluations of your spiritual maturity and acuity. I was always asking, "Am I spiritual enough yet? Am I good enough yet to be loved and admired and wanted?" And the answer was always no.

But my T (the one who recently moved away) didn't do that. He wasn't testing. I would get all worked up over my performance and progress and efforts and outcomes, and his point was that it was healthier to just be, no matter where I am in my journey, just be. And that's okay. No tests.

Maybe therapy does use some tests, though. Maybe there's a healthier way to use tests? I don't know. I'm so focused on learning to not test people, to not drive myself so hard so I can try to pass the next test. Where's the balance?

 

[UnicornSightings]

Y'all must have a much stronger sense of self than I do. I can't imagine actually getting angry[...

For someone new to working on themselves and their self-esteem it is HUGE to have the level of respect you deserve. For me, it was really hard to challenge my very first therapist. I had been treated like crap my whole life, you know? So her changing appointments, yelling at me, always being late, taking calls, it all served to reinforce what I already knew about myself. Having my current t and all the amazing things she has brought to my life has really changed my outlook. And it was because she was caring, kind, considerate and accepting. Something I had never known before. Remembering someone's name is not difficult. At all. And it means a lot to the person so they don't feel like they are a nothing. It's huge for trauma survivors.

 

[DogwoodTree]

So her changing appointments, yelling at me, always being late, taking calls, it all served to reinforce what I already knew about myself.

Oh good grief...that's awful. I can see how it could happen, though, and feel "normal."

it was because she was caring, kind, considerate and accepting. Something I had never known before.

My mom is pretty soft-spoken but also very manipulative and enmeshed, so Ts' caring, kindness, consideration, and acceptance usually feel fake to me, even when they insist they genuinely mean what they're saying. I think being invisible is easier than always trying to figure out who's genuine and who's manipulative. So someone forgetting my name, in some ways, feels like I've accomplished my goal of not being seen well enough to become a target of manipulation, neediness, projection, and blame.