Wrong name

[UnicornSightings]

Oh good grief...that's awful. I can see how it could happen, though, and feel "normal."



My mom i...

You know that's funny! I didn't like my current T in the beginning because her kindness felt incredibly fake. I'm so glad I stuck with it because it was just because I didn't ever experience it before!

 

[Suzetig]

Y'all must have a much stronger sense of self than I do. I can't imagine actually getting angry at someone for mixing up my name, even my T. My DH maybe, but that's about it.

And yet it clearly bothers you enough to post about it, I wonder if making the link back to your trauma allows you to "legitimately" be unhappy with him getting your name wrong in an "it wouldn't bother me because I have no sense of self but it's triggering my trauma which is getting in the way of treatment". I'm not saying it doesn't impact you but someone that you're paying for a service repeatedly getting your name wrong is inexcusable, it's ok to be pissed off with him and to correct him and to ask that he pays attention to you - it's what you're paying him for.

 

[DogwoodTree]

And yet it clearly bothers you enough to post about it,

Yeah it hurt, but I wasn't angry about it. Maybe that's part of the problem, though. Maybe I should get angry when someone does something that hurts me.

When I posted this originally, I expected the usual, "That sounds like a good thing to talk about with him. Maybe you'll get some insight into why something like that would hurt you."

Instead y'all are responding with, "That would really piss me off. I might even find a new T over it."

I'm honestly surprised. It's really got me thinking.

 

[FauxLiz]

@DogwoodTree you deserve to be heard and seen. While to me yes if my T were seeing another family member that would be a deal breaker, the fact that the person you are working to build a trusting therapeutic relationship with can't get your name right no matter how many times you have talked about your sister, that is a deal breaker, once tolerable twice would merit a very strong conversation and the third time it would be the end of the session and the end of the relationship.

You have the right to be angry, its not like he looks in his appointment book and doesn't see your name. As for the email, I doubt when he was looking for you address in his contacts he looked under a different name. These are inexcusable slights.

 

[whiteraven]

So I'm not overreacting to be bothered by this? I really thought I was just being too sensitive.[/Q...

Definitely not overreacting!

The thing about names is, they are our identity. And in your case, being referred to by the name of someone who was emotionally abusive and, as you put it, who:

eclipses me even with my T.

is a BIG deal.

I also have a sister who is emotionally/psychologically abusive and from whom I'm estranged. If my therapist called me by her name, he'd hear about it right then, and he would never do it again. That is disrespectful and disregarding.

 

[DogwoodTree]

Had a session with T today. At the beginning, I showed him a pic of me and my sisters so he could put faces to names, and said maybe this would help him keep the names straight. He studied the pic, and then we went on with the conversation.

About halfway through the session, he did it again. I called him on it, and he apologized profusely. I didn't feel hurt or angry at all. All I felt was embarrassment and shame for his mistake. I felt badly for the confusion.

We also talked about how I can feel other people's emotions so deeply about things I think they're experiencing, but I can't feel their empathy back towards me (I have Asperger's). I have hyper-empathy for other people, but I don't know how to receive empathy.

I think this is all the same problem. I'm so hyper-focused on other people's emotions that I don't have space for my own emotions in the relationship. So then there's no way to have "connection." Because both people have to exist in my mind at the same time in order for there to be connection.

If I wasn't so entangled with what I imagined T to be feeling when he made that mistake, I could have responded with real emotions that would have made more of an impression so that I would be more memorable, more noticeable.

Mostly I just feel like shit tonight. I showed T an email from my mom today, and his impression was that she was just trying to clarify boundaries. But I had been struggling with it for 3 days because to me it felt like she was trying to provoke an argument, and this was in the middle of a bigger conflict we're having with our work. I hate myself so much right now. I hate Asperger's. I hate the way I was raised. I'm so screwed up and I have no one to turn to because no one can handle the intensity of the shit inside me. It just drives people away. I feel unheard and unseen and unimportant and broken-crap-crazy. Nothing good gets in. No compassion or empathy or warmth from others gets in. It's just empty words. I feel lost and hopeless and stupid.

 

[UnicornSightings]

Oh love. I am so sorry you are hurting so much right now! Remember please, if you can, that what you're experiencing, as intense as it may be, is TEMPORARY. All feelings pass in time.

If you have hyper-empathy for others think of how freaken amazing you're gonna be when you learn to really love yourself. You'll be able to feel that love in such a huge way! For now, can you just give yourself a bit of kindness and a hint of compassion? Imagine you are feeling for someone else going through what you're going through. Soooo much love to you.

 

[hithere]

I'm one of those people who think "something unexplainable" happens in the therapy session between therapist and client/patient. Even with CBT. This is my opinion. I have something similar where my T made an exagerrated discription of abuse during a CBT exercise as an example to reframe something... and the example of abuse was EXACTLY what happened to me. They had no idea. I had never told anyone! They did something like it again months later and when I brought it up they were exasperated and said, "I don't even know why I said that!" I just believe there are strange cues and expectations that are unexpected consciously but are expected unconsciously and a very "tuned in" person will respond to it. Perhaps this is a recurring subject that needs to be addressed to receive deep healing--not that the T was insensitive. Rather the T was responding to what the need in the air was--that you need deep healing from this issue which has a myriad of issues with it.
Just my opinion.

 

[DogwoodTree]

Perhaps this is a recurring subject that needs to be addressed to receive deep healing--not that the T was insensitive. Rather the T was responding to what the need in the air was--that you need deep healing from this issue which has a myriad of issues with it.

That's an interesting thought. How might that happen?

It feels safer to be invisible. Not just for the obvious reasons: to avoid being targeted by someone else's dysfunction. But also, I'm afraid of hurting other people in the ways I've been hurt, without meaning to, simply because that's all I know. I'm working hard to learn new ways of relating, but basically that consists of writing new algorithms for how to interact with people. And I worry that I haven't gotten all of that worked out yet. I don't want my blind spots to hurt people. I'd rather isolate than to expose them to my own dysfunction.

And anyway, being around people is draining. It's hard work. Sensory issues, mirror-touch synesthesia, ptsd-hypervigilance, and autistic awkwardness...it's easier just to shut everyone out and entertain myself with my own thoughts. Except when the emotions ramp up. But then, even if I reach out to someone, there's nothing they can do. "Empathy" doesn't really register for me. It's just empty words. So it's better not to annoy people with my emotions.

T says my emotions matter. But that's just a theoretical statement. If I let my emotions surface, it wreaks havoc and accomplishes nothing. It doesn't look normal, and it doesn't make sense to others. It makes me feel more isolated, more awkward.

 

[scout86]

I'm still not completely sold on the idea that you have Asperger's. Maybe you do, I just don't know.

What I think I DO know is that you grew up in an environment similar to the one I grew up in. Where being able to read the winds of someone else's emotions (like our mothers') was semi- life & death. And our own feeling didn't count.

My T was talking about 'the benefits of talking about stuff' one day. I told him, with a certain amount of frustration, that I really didn't see the point, because talking about stuff from the past didn't actually change anything. He said that my view point was logical enough, but that I was incorrect. He could definitely see the logic of that line of reasoning, especially when you had pretty much no experience in 'talking about stuff' making any difference. But now they actually have physical evidence of changes in the brain from talking about stuff.

My point is, you never had a reason to learn to notice your own emotions. The theory is , kids learn to notice their emotions, and regulate them, because the adults around them respond to them appropriately. If that doesn't happen, you don't learn the lesson. YOUR feelings just got you in trouble. Reading the feelings of others accurately kept you relatively safe.

 

[hithere]

That's an interesting thought. How might that happen?

It feels safer to be invisible. Not just for...

Yes it actually is safer to be invisible, I agree. I told a T these exact words about 25 years ago and he turned them around on me and said you are afraid of hurting people, that could be projection--you're afraid of being rejected and not fitting in. <he said this to me, I'm not necessarily saying this to you. So I'm one of these types that thinks "as I think about myself-so I am" and that is in the air and that is what is responded to. "I'm invisible, I'd rather be invisible," and the other issues with your sister--so then the T starts calling you someone else's name since you want to be invisible, and wow, it's even the person's name you have been hurt by. Lots of pain there that might need addressed. However, the other thing could be your T is just not with it and not trying hard enough to remember your name. Worse, you mom or your sister is also being counseled by him. That's a scary thought. As far as hurting other people, that is an obsessional fear of mine. I obsess over it and then I try to deal with the painful obsession by various activities which only keep it in a cycle of obsessions. it's EXHAUSTING. I was thinking what may needed is for you to accept yourself just as you are and be comfortable with your short comings, and you may be rejected by some, but then others may just well accept everything about you. Then that would be in the air and others would be "welcome" to accept you as you are. Not everyone in the world needs to, but a few people who just accept you is beneficial. However, if I actually direct that line of thinking to you I'd be guilty of hypocrisy!

 

[DogwoodTree]

I'm still not completely sold on the idea that you have Asperger's. Maybe you do, I just don't know.

Well, the clinical psych thought so. Strongly so. The social traits show up the worst in unstructured, face-to-face social situations. I'm much more fluent when writing because I can think through what I'm saying and edit extensively before posting.

What I think I DO know is that you grew up in an environment similar to the one I grew up in. Where being able to read the winds of someone else's emotions (like our mothers') was semi- life & death. And our own feeling didn't count.

This is very true.

because talking about stuff from the past didn't actually change anything

I've said this exactly, to multiple therapists.

physical evidence of changes in the brain from talking about stuff.

This might be true. I've read some of van der Kolk's stuff, and I see where the trauma memory needs to be transferred from one area of the brain to another, and talking about it is supposed to help with that. But you have to access it in that trauma-mind space when talking about it for the transfer to be effective. And I haven't figured out how to do that. I'm too disconnected from people to be able to communicate, remember, and emote all at the same time. I tried EMDR with a trauma specialist for a few months earlier this year, and it was a total flop. I couldn't get to anything. By the end of that trial period, I could barely remember any of the trauma that had happened to me when I was in her office, but then I'd be slammed with memories and flashbacks after I left.

Current T is trying to learn from that dead end and figure out ways I can process the trauma on my own, after the sessions, when everything comes up. The trauma T earlier this year wasn't willing to let me engage in processing when I wasn't with her. She didn't think I could handle it.

The theory is , kids learn to notice their emotions, and regulate them, because the adults around them respond to them appropriately. If that doesn't happen, you don't learn the lesson. YOUR feelings just got you in trouble. Reading the feelings of others accurately kept you relatively safe.

Yes, I agree with this. I watch my kids learning how to name and be with their emotions, and what to do about them. It's fascinating how open and responsive they can be to gentle guidance on this. And as I learn to separate my emotions from theirs so that their negative emotions don't stress me out so badly, I find I can really be calm and patient and "hold space" for them when they're upset.

But even now as I have safer (adult) relationships where I can bring my own emotions, it doesn't work for me like it seems to with other people. It's like something is lost in translation. It's like I'm controlling a robot from a distance, trying to express emotions through that robot. And then people attempt to respond to it, but they're not really seeing me...just this robot that they think is me. So their responses miss the mark.

And anyways, people just seem really far away. I can be sitting right next to someone, feeling overwhelmed by sensory issues from being so physically close, and yet feel like they can't truly see me and that communication between us is hampered somehow. I don't feel like a real person next to them. And it's not a dissociative thing that comes and goes...it's ALL the time.

There's some kind of disconnect between my inner sense of self and the outer shell/persona/performance that other people see. It's hard enough to get stuff out in some semblance of accuracy. But it's so distorted by the time it gets out there, that whatever comes back in is even more distorted, and loses all meaning.