Xmas, Family, At A Loss

[TLight]

Ok, so my family is either all dead or at least dead to me. The men in my family were all real tried and true dickheads. I mean really dickheads. Critical, not nice, demeaning and whenever they had a chance they'd make hurtful comments and write them off as 'just joking.'

All like dear ole Dad, the f*head cop who tortured me from a tiny tot. Lovely.

So now, I'm married to a great, kind, soul, together for three years now. His brother is exactly like the above mentioned. I put up with his hurtful comments for a year, then finally lost it and went into a rage and told him exactly what he is. No contact and boy was I OK with that. In fact, I couldn't go within a quarter mile of the guy when the father-in-law was dying without going into a prolonged flashback just last year. Try as I might, can't seem to separate him from the monsters.

So here's the deal. Xmas, father-in-law recently dead, mother-in-law wants nothing but the family together on Xmas (I so hate that sh*t---like are people living in fantasyland?). No one is really close or even likes or respects each other. But being the good wife I said I'd attend. My husband was elated.

Less than a week away now. Not sleeping well. Symptoms buggering me up. I'm telling myself it's only a couple of hours and I can dissociate away (if I can get ahold of the hyperventalating). Not even anyone safe I can cuddle up to and hide out. It's like they all trigger me. Face it honey, anything to do with family is a trigger.

So how am I supposed to endure? I'm already feeling this morning like this might end in a trip to a psyche ward. I can't get into my pre-frontal cortex! Help....any suggestions?

 

[soulofLC]

Tlight, I came here looking for answers to the same problem. I have to go, as my lovely little granddaughter twinkled her eyes at me and asked if I would be there for opening presents, and what could I say? At least there will be distraction of children.

My son is the trigger here, and he will be there. Nasty to a fault for the last two years doesn't being to describe it. I don't know how long I can stay. I guess until I have to go, which feels awkward just thinking about it. Perhaps if it gets too bad, I will feign illness. It might be real at that!

A distraction could be the answer. Or you and your husband could have a code word for "time to go." Or take separate cars and say you have to see...someone else?

 

[soulofLC]

Sorry, I just read it and I am hopelessly stuck as well. Yes, family = triggers.

 

[soulofLC]

Started reading PTSD Forum Wiki -stress management in box on right side of Home page for ideas. Found good information on Mindfulness and a link for free meditation downloads.

http://marc.ucla.edu/body.cfm?id=22

Good to take if you have mp3 player. Go to bathroom. Meditate.

I heard a therapist talking about stress, family, and holidays on the radio. He said if there were family differences, to let them go during the holidays. He obviously does not have to deal with PTSD.

 

[TLight]

Soul, thanks tons....really helps to know there are people 'out there' like me.

I'm just going to distract, distract, distract. Mornings are hard. I always seem to wake up wading in this crap and it was true today.​

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Really tough stuff. Really, what I'd like to do? Let my angry side out and just be snotty and mean all night long, going out of my way to make the jerk uncomfortable. Boy would that be fun.​

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But I'm trying to tell myself, he isn't the one who raped and tortured me, he just smells, sounds, and reeks of it, that's all.​

Husband says he'll be on his best behavior. Guess that means I'll have to be on mine...shoot.​

 

[soulofLC]

I know what you mean. I grind my teeth on my worst nights, even with a bite guard. I have woken up more and more as the day gets nearer with headaches, neck soreness.

I went to granddaughter's Christmas recital a few days ago. My son was there, one person/seat away, and I managed to be cheerful. But again, woke up next morning with sore jaws.

My only solace is that I don't have to deal with the rest of my family--parents, brothers and all of their kids and grandkids. They are on the other side of Texas, and it is a bigggg state. Big enough for all of us!! LOL

 

[Tinyflame]

TLight, limit the exposure- bridge the difference and visit for a couple of hours, or just let your H go on his own, or make other plans.

Not much can be read into it as 'mean' (for lack of any word), or thoughtless- without 'hard feelings' it's just survival.
You have a right to make your own plans, you and H, to be quietly assertive. Am guessing it will be more respected than were you to attend and melt down or be enraged and worn out during-or-after-the-fact.
xox

 

[BloomInWinter]

Our presence at any gathering is a gift of our time, energy, self.

We can choose who to give that gift to. Why give it to those who aren't capable or willing to appreciate it?

A simple 'No thank you. I'm not feeling up to it' is all that is required. We don't owe anyone more than that.

If we choose to give our gift to toxic people, we aren't being true to ourselves. We are sacrificing yet another part of ourselves to the spectres of blame, shame, and guilt at the expense of joy, fun, and peace.

I have never regretted choosing the healthier path forward, even though the sick ones hate on, shame on, blame on me for it. But they do that anyway! The difference is...I no longer help them.

 

[mamachick]

I was kind of feeling bad that I do not have much living family to spend xmas with. After reading your post, I remembered that there are many still alive and that I have just managed to escape on holidays and everyday. I am sorry that you are having this experience and hope that you are able to endure for a short period of time and return to celebrate the rest of the day with peace.