Yearning For A Father And A Family...

[sassy-snape]

Hi, I think I should tell you a bit of back ground before I get into this thread.

I was brought up by my mum and my dad left when I was a baby. I was sexually abused at three years old by my sister's dad. And then sexually abused by my brothers' dad at 8-13 and a half.

My mum from then has been a single mum without a father of any kind from then on. I left home as 16 and went to and fro from my mum's, to live in jobs.

I did at some point a couple of years ago find my dad and he basically dumped me for a second time! And since I moved out of my mum's we have very little to do with each other.

I feel as if I have no family. A coping mechanism of mine is building a fantasy land inside my head where I'm somebody else and what I mostly think about is a family. Where I have a dad and a family.

In my fantasy I live on a farm where we breed rare breeds of animals and I have 2 sets of grandparents, a mum and dad, 2 twin brothers and an older brother.

But most of the fantasy is centered round having a father. I live in that world in my head most of the time and watch certain things so it feeds my imagination. Effectively fueling that other world.

I can't help it, if I don't it really upsets me. And I have noticed a cycle. It takes place in about a month. The other world in my head is fine for 2 weeks and then the 3rd week it becomes difficult to think about it, like you're trying to write a book but you can't think of how to write it.

And then the 4th week you're trying desperately to hang onto it and your temper. Your temper gets worse when you can't fuel it.

I have begun to notice this pattern literally this past 3 months, even though I have had this coping mechanism since I was about 6.

I desperately want a father and maybe a family. Even someone I can just adopt as my own.

I want this...........:Hug_emoticon: and :kiss:

 

[Deleted member 541]

Sassy,

I think that some of us here can relate to what you want and think about a family. A healthy relationship, with boundaries sounds so great. I too would very much like this in my own life. But the reality is, I don't have it. Neither do you.

Using this fantasy isn't helping you at all, and may actually be hurting you in the long run. You are not facing your trauma, your life, your reality. You can't possibly expect to heal yourself, if you live in a fantasy world.

As hard as your life was or still is, you have to face it, and except it as it is, and NOT what you want it to be......Harsh? Yes, but reality is never easy to face, when you are running from it.......

 

[midi]

I've been a sole-supporting parent from the time my son had learned to walk. I have no family support and my parents are still alive. I agree with She Cat - fantasy is denial of reality. It's just like a drug.

It took me almost my whole life to acknowledge that I'm alone (except for my son) and that it will probably always be that way. It used to make me angry seeing other parents actually take care of their kids and even help them as they got older.

Up until a couple years ago, self-destruction through drugs and booze was my reality. Sure, I worked and went to school and made sure my son had food - but I wasn't there mentally. It's never too late to wake up and face your reality.

Sassy, you mention a monthly cycle - it may be connected to hormonal levels due to your menstrual cycle (depending on your age). During the week of my Pamela Mary Smith, I used to get quite aggressive and angry - because my testosterone levels skyrocketed and my serotonin level (which is already problematic with PTSD) plummeted. So, I had to look into vitamin supplements, which helped...

 

[sigh]

I agree that it's not healthy and that it might be hormonal or vitamin related.
Replacing a fantasy with reality takes time and slow going. A fantasy may allow you to have no anxiety about being with those "people." But, it is just not real--you have to begin to trust like everyone else. There are many ways of meeting people from a book group to a church to (like me) being a member of an organization and spending time with the other members. Or maybe working with elderly people. I've had people in my life that were like fathers, but unlike fathers, they don't stay forever--just have to keep going. I must remind you that grandparents die.

 

[a3a2]

I think nearly every person who grew up without a decent father can relate to your desire. I believe we are made with a need for loving parents. I used to actively search for that father-figure (as a child) until it led to me being sexually abused. I think it is good that you recognize the desire, but also recognize that it can blind you to reality.

I once had a mentor tell me "every person you choose as a father-figure will fail you, except one. Only God can fulfill that roll now". It took me awhile to adapt to that, but eventually I did, and I believe my relationships are healthier for it.

 

[shiraz]

Hi Sassy, I have been thinking all day...."I want my mommy!" .... Truth is, I haven't had her for 35 years. I haven't had either parent for that long. The pain never leaves. I still find myself imagining the day we reconcile - falling into the same trap you are in, imagining we are all together again and all is forgiven. it is dangerous thinking. It has consumed my life and will steal another 35 years if I am not careful.

I got to a stage where I could mourn the loss of them and then it was easier to let go. Actually, I think I haven't quite finished the mourning process - hope always confounds my resolve. But I know that I really have to put it to rest now.

I can imagine that the stress between your reality and your fantasy world is huge and creates much inner tension and turmoil and perhaps that is where the anger fits in.

I am sending lots of love and strength to you today, I can hear how much you are suffering and I hurt for you. I have had to learn to draw upon the people around me to be my family seeing my biological family can't fill that role. I have friends here who are like mothers to me and I feel like a mother to some in return.

I know you will find your way, don't give up!

:Hug_emoticon:
Shiraz

 

[Freddy_hiding_less]

Sassy!

A spiritual teacher I spent a lot of time with urged us to "stay this side of our finger tips", in this case to me it's about recognizing that the feelings that happens when one is dreaming is truly belonging to one self even when the imagery is kind of hanging in the air.

He also said that, the longing itself is all You need from this kind of experience.

To me this is about to install a basic life sense, a kind of compass, but we need together with this a good map because every step will start from where we are standing, and after each step one take's things will look a little different but that wish to create something better for oneself is still the same.