Relationship Yesterday Has Gone

[Fire phill]

Is there a way you can contest the divorce... I don't know how things work in the UK, but here we can...

I could contest the divorce and refute the unreasonable behaviour allegations. If I do that there's still no guarantee that she will change her mind.
She is also withholding her share of the domestic finances which means that the house would have to be sold as I can't pay the mortgage and bills. I'm already going under. When she went to the solicitor she asked for a separation but the solicitor said it would be more cost effective to have a divorce.
You said she was symptomatic at the moment, if untreated how long do they stay like that?

 

[Sweetpea76]

It is hard to say... everybody is different. My vet has been symptomatic for months at a time, but he was already deep into treatment when we met. It's cyclical, it comes and goes with stressors. Maybe a sufferer can help more than I can. @FridayJones , @itsKismet , @joeylittle and @anthony usually give us supporters some good advice

 

[Fire phill]

It is hard to say... everybody is different. My vet has been symptomatic for months at a time, but he...

Thanks for your honesty and replies. I guess I'll have to let her have the divorce and wait to see what happens in time.
I read on another thread that they sometimes go back to relationships with their abusers?
I don't want to sound crazy but I think her adult children would like that. Sort of to try and heal the hole in their life from when their parents split up.
Although her trauma's are so many. I think there are deeper rooted trauma from childhood that she has never mentioned.
This whole ordeal is like a freaky movie. Sometimes I forget for moment that it is happening then BANG reality comes back.
My daughter bless her reminds me daily that it's not my fault.

 

[Sweetpea76]

My daughter bless her reminds me daily that it's not my fault

It's not your fault. And as crazy as things are now, it is so important to take care of yourself and your daughter. It's hard when your heart is broken, but make sure you get enough sleep, good food, and exercise to keep your body going. Find a support system and people to talk to. Your emotions and mental well being are important too, even if you are the "healthy" one. Enjoy some fun times with your daughter.

Easier said than done, I know... but doing these types of things will help you out overall, even if you feel like hell.

 

[Fire phill]

Hi Sweetpea, Thanks again for your kind words and advice. At the moment I am not in a good place myself. I know I have to be strong for my daughter and my wife. I don't wish to sound selfish woe is me and I know my wife is in an even worse place than me. I even wonder if she's just had enough of being with me and it has nothing to do with PTSD. She and her family are blaming me for this. My wife even said to me that I could of had it all and that I screwed up the marriage. If because I laid down boundaries to her children tried to be a good parent and teach them how to be a good person because she couldn't, then maybe she's right. Her children have no respect for our marriage, they have no respect for their mother. The problem I had with her son I didn't ask for. He refused to accept my authority in my home, he rejects authority full stop. I took the necessary actions to protect myself, my wife and my daughter from his behaviour. Her parents would visit and when my wife was out they would bring up the subject of her kids, how are they, have we heard from them, how's her son. That would trigger me into trying to justify to them my actions of putting out of the house. I would tell them that I loved her son like my own and I couldn't understand why his behaviour changed and he attacked me. They would go back to my wife and say I been complaining about her son again. When I told my wife about this she said she had asked her parents if this is true and they would lie and deny they brought the subject up and that I am obsessed with hatred for her son.
I tried to bring love into a damaged family and this was how I was repaid. They are happy me and their mother are splitting up. I don't think they are aware how serious their mother's condition is, nor do I think they care, same for her parents. I believe they are fuelling this divorce.

 

[scout86]

I probably don't have anything to add to this that will be helpful. Sorry!

Her son sounds a lot like my younger brother. My therapist thinks he has narcissistic personality disorder. I suspect there's some of that kind of dynamic going on in her family of origin and also with her kids. You might want to add that topic to your research. It can be pretty complicated and pretty confusing.

I don't know anything about the divorce laws where you live. To me, the person who MOST needs protection here is your daughter. If she ends up living with your wife's family (without you) she stands a good chance of getting caught up in the same things your wife did. You can really only help the people who want help. Sadly a narcissist, almost by definition, doesn't see the need for help. There are a lot of families where someone has to be the designated "bad guy". Could be your wife is trying to escape that role by handing it off to you. It could also be she's really not aware of the dynamic.

Good luck finding your way through this! You and your family will definitely be in my thoughts. (And welcome to the forum!)

 

[Fire phill]

Hi Scout, Thank you for your reply and kind words. I have done lots of research on narcissists and I agree with you. Her son was diagnosed with ADHD when he was younger about 6. As he grew older, in the time I was in his life, I noticed that it seemed his behaviour was .worsening. His bio father is a definite narcissist probably worse Anti Social Behaviour Disorder (not diagnosed). A while ago I entered her sons traits and behaviours into Hare's test. and it came back that her son was a total psychopath (words from test result). I know obviously that it has to be confirmed by 2 Psychiatrists to get a confirmed diagnosis but I was only trying the test as a layman being honest at the traits he had from my observations.
Her mother is an engulfing (smothering) narcissist. Her behaviours and terminology fit the diagnosis like a glove.
My wife is in denial about all of this and could also have Borderline tendencies along with C-PTSD.
As for my daughter, she is actually my wife's bio granddaughter and has parental responsibility for her. I unfortunately have no legal say or responsibility other than a moral one through bonding. Therefore I have no say where or who she could live with.
Going back to her son. When I put him out of or home, he went to live with his sister and her husband. Within a year he was doing the same to his sister's husband. They had a fight which he started and he was excluded from their home. It seems now they think he's got his act together and wants to make amends. I know that whatever his disorder is he won't change or grow out of it without professional help.
Also the Bio father is back on the scene buying back the children's affection. They all claim he too has changed, (again impossible).
I just wonder that when my wife starts treatment with the mental health unit will CBT therapy and EMDR help her to realise all of this
or will she stay in denial.

 

[scout86]

I wish I had a clue how your wife is going to handle all this!

My own story is kind of funny. I'm sure my therapist realized early on that my mother was the original of a lot (not all) of my "problems". He never point blank said that. He kind of sets things up so I can find them for myself. There was a time, last fall, when something happened and I suddenly realized "Wait! What my mom just did.......If someone else did that it would mean..... Actually, I don't KNOW anyone else who would have done that..... 'Normal' people don't do that? Does that mean my mom's more nuts than I am???" At my next session I began by saying, "I think I've figured this out, my mom's crazy isn't she?" There was a brief pause. Then he burst out laughing. Then he said that, while he objected to the use of the word "crazy" yes, in fact he was quite sure my mom qualified for more than one official diagnosis. If she ever availed herself of the opportunity, which she wouldn't.

In my family, apparently, it was my job to be "wrong", There doesn't seem to be any way to change that. My dad was ok. Except that he adored my mom and probably couldn't see a lot of what was going on as a result. The fact that he WAS ok probably saved me, to a point. So I hope it works out that you can, somehow, stay in this girl's life. The rest? I hope you wife gets into therapy and things go well. It took me over 2 years to realize that I wasn't the actual problem in my family. It's still kind of hard to wrap my mind around. I think she has to figure it out for herself. Especially because it sounds like she's more inclined to look for someone else to blame than I tend to be. (My first reaction to EVERYTHING is to assume it's my fault.) If you try to talk to her, more than likely she'll just take it wrong and turn it back on you. I think all you can do is be as available as she'll allow, as stable as you can, and stay out of the drama. Staying out of the drama, as much as you can, is probably really important.

More than anything, I wish no one ever had to go through this stuff!

 

[Fire phill]

I wish I had a clue how your wife is going to handle all this!

My own story is kind of funny. I'm sure...

Hi Scout, Thanks for your reply and sharing. I know where you are coming from. I had problems in my family too. Only I got out, figured it all out for myself and detached and boy did I pay the price. I was dis-inherited and only have a relationship with one of my siblings. Had a brief conversation just now with my wife. She still wants to go ahead with the divorce blames me for her families problems, they all hate me. So I'm fighting them and PTSD. Probably best if I bow out. You are also right in that everything I say is turned round and put back on me. I just hope she will allow me to continue to see my daughter. I think that by getting out and staying away from the drama is probably for the best for now. In time maybe she will realise what she has missed and how much she relied upon me. Maybe the love feelings will come back who knows.

 

[Fire phill]

Oh sorry to rant on I've just been informed that I am jealous of my wife's children and I don't want them to have contact with her. I make them uncomfortable when they visit and I don't like that they speak on the phone with her. That's because on a couple of occasions I have in the past complained that when I have come home after working a 15 hour day that it would be nice to come home and not have to prepare my own dinner, spend an hour with my wife before I have to go to bed in order to get up the next day and do it again. Instead of my wife spending time with me continuing with a 2 and half hour phone call to her adult daughter or son or mother. I have spoken to my therapist about her claims that I cause alienation of her children and he claims that is impossible for me to enforce any no contact because they are all adults and unless I lock her in the garage and take her phone the whole concept is ridiculous. She has a car she could visit them if they don't want to come to our house. I've never said they couldn't come only her son is excluded for the reasons I have stated previously.
Does PTSD distort reality that much?

 

[scout86]

Does PTSD distort reality that much?

It CAN, but other things can too. Ms Spock started a really good thread on "cognitive distortions" recently. That might give you some insight. (PTSD isn't the only reason people have cognitive distortions, or course.)

Your wife is still really enmeshed with her family of origin, from the sound of it. They could be having a pretty big influence on her thinking. Both directly and indirectly. Some part of her might be wanting to think in a way that might please them, hoping to get acceptance from them. (Most likely wouldn't work, in the long run.)

There's a great community of supporters here and I'm sure they have a TON of stories of the insanity they've been subjected to by the people they affectionately call "their sufferers". I had a good friend come back from Iraq and Afghanistan with PTSD. He was a VERY different person than the "before" guy was. There was a stretch where he was seriously sure I was out to get him. (I wasn't.) We eventually worked that out, but, after his suicide, there was a stretch where I was seriously convinced that his death was my fault because bad things happen to people that I allow to get close to me. I totally mean that. I was ready to pack up and move away from civilization for the good of humanity. (You might think I'm exaggerating, but I'm not!) What stopped me was I realized that one of the things my therapist does in his spare time is retrieve vets who barricade themselves in their houses.......

When my buddy was at his most upset, my thought was "Like water off the back of a duck!" And that "I know him better than that." Which actually, I realized can mean that I know him to BE better than that, as well as being a commentary on my own level of knowledge.

This is a pretty good place to rant, when you need to. :hug:

 

[Fire phill]

Thanks Scout, you words are encouraging and kind.

Yes my wife is enmeshed with her family. She has often complained in the past that they didn't seem to want her to find happiness. She was happy with me but they are very good at manipulating her. I also believe her abusive ex might have something to do with this. I guess with all her baggage and now the PTSD our relationship was doomed for failure. What I don't understand is if her family meant so much to her (and I understand they are important to her), why in heavens name did she think she could have a relationship with anyone and yet put the family first.

Then right now there is so much I don't understand. An old friend used to say to me "Son what you know could fill a book, What you don't know could fill a Library". Oh for the gift of hindsight.