Yesterday I Had First Group Session That Leads On To Therapy - Such A Relief

[lil_fighter]

Yesterday I was anxious about my lack of sleep during the night (which is normal for me lately) affecting the day..that I'd be trying to catch up with sleep in the morning and if i did sleep at all, I'd miss my appointment, even though it was at 2pm..

Luckily I was ready and had plenty of time to spare, drove to the place feeling a bit nervous but music helped me to stay upbeat and awake. Then I was trying to find somewhere to park and started panicking about being late, parked on the main road, ran to the shop to get change for the machine, panicked because I was worried about getting a ticket..got back to the car in time and then ran into the building, flustered panicking about time. Turned out I was one of the first people there and had paid for parking when I could have used the hospital's free car park..because of course I was using their services..typical me, making life difficult for myself.

Once in the room, we met the therapists and the others in our group - there are 6 of us, we were given a handout about PTSD which was kind of hard to read because realisation set in...I have to face this now..reading about the symptoms etc. made me feel uneasy because I am sometimes in denial about this. The room was very quiet and calming...no corny whale music or anything lol. Just silence but a comfortable silence.

I was sitting panicking for the first 15mins about the car because the ticket was only for an hour and I wasn't sure it was enough...getting parking tickets is rife in that area and it's my mum's car..my eyes flitted to the clock every now and then..

Then we were asked to list symptoms of PTSD and as everyone started sharing their symptoms I felt calm..I could relate to everything they were saying. Normally in a group I do a lot of talking etc..but I was quiet, not a word. I listened, my heart slowed down, I wasn't panicking, big deal if I got a parking ticket this was more important..I forgot the time. As we started talking and people around me said they dont socialise anymore, they shut themselves away..I realised, Im not the only one..Im not 'weird' after all.

Looking at the people you would never guess and they are all are twice my age and some have lived with PTSD for a few years..(some didn't even know what PTSD was or that they had it) which was the point of the session I guess. My shame linked to feeling suicidal wasn't as bad when another woman talked about her thoughts. Not trusting anyone..feeling too exhausted to do anything..being off work..everything people in the room said was a relief, not to hear that they are also suffering but to realise that PTSD actually is real..not imagined..Im not losing the plot after all and we're all here to get better..it felt good

But the session was positive, not depressing. We all gave ourselves a small challenge 'to be kind to ourselves', mainly linked to doing something we used to enjoy but dont do anymore.

After talking about the symptoms..not being asked to share experiences, it took the focus off of the past and focused on the present. I went out for dinner with my dad last night (we have a difficult relationship and I met him later in life)..and I told him that I have PTSD..it was a relief..he wanted to know what happened to me, but accepted that I didn't feel ready to say..he was surprisingly understanding. Then when I got home, my mum said 'he's going to think you've been raped or something..you shouldn't have said that'..and that's when I said, well actually mum someone tried to rape me and I told her about the abusive person I dated.

I cried yesterday..but I slept for the first time in ages last night..thanks to the group because I've now realised..Im not alone and it's not my fault

 

[Nicolette]

Well done lil_fighter.

I am glad you no longer feel alone and therapy helped you. Your thread is probably better suited to this section that where you initially posted it.

Keep up the good work and keep posting about how you are going.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

YaY!!

I'm so excited for you, AND a bit envious, lol. I have a hard time finding a suitable group that doesn't overwhelm me with too much whining or the "woe is me" attitude.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Thats a wonderful uplifting story lil_fighter. Thanks for sharing it and all the best with future healing.

 

[lil_fighter]

:) had another session this week, it wasn't as effective because we had two therapists sitting in for the ones we had last time and they weren't as..not sure but there was something missing, maybe communication or trust because the group had just started getting used to the other two women last week. People in the group weren't so open and there was a lot of silence but the handouts and info we were given was good.

Im so happy because the lead up to therapy has encouraged me to speak up about something very serious and I did it today finally after 7 months and it feels amazing :p It's weird how speaking up against abusive people is a therapy of it's own. I recommend therapy to anyone going through this and if you dont find the right one..try again, dont be disheartened. Government based, recommended by the doctor is the best way to go and CBT seems to be working for me so for, so maybe it will work for you. Im so emotional and relieved today will go down in my diary as a turning point :cry: ....you know I really believed that there was no cure for PTSD and that it would never go away but Im starting to think it doesn't have to be a way of life after all and there is a light at the end of the tunnel.