Yet Another Thing He Took From Me...

[Orglethorp]

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about my future: where I want to live when I finally finish university, how many kids I'd like to have someday, where I want them to grow up, how I'm going to afford the sort of life I want to live, etc. As I've been thinking about these things, I realized something that makes me sad. I never consider the role and assistance that my future husband will play in all of that.

I want to get married, and I only want to get married once. I want to find the love of my life and the perfect father for my future children. I want him to be my partner in every sense of the word and more, and I want to trust and love him to the end of the earth and beyond. I want all of this, but I never consider this future Mr. Right when I'm making my life plans. The connections aren't there in my mind. I'm 25 years old and thinking like a single parent.

I guess that's just another thing my father took from me. Anyone else?

 

[mamachick]

I really want to compliment you on your language. In every statement, you state "what you want". That is really awesome. I great book is the "Secret". It is about intent and stating what you want, rather than stating what we dont want. I find this very hard and need to read it again and do the work.

I don't want to be poor, I dont want to be abused, I dont want xy and z. According to this book and others like it, when we use "I don't want"-we attract exactly what we say we don't want, because of our language. You are very positive and decisive for 25. This is such a great attribute.

I dont want to make any assumptions when you say your father took this from you. You do seem to know what you want in a partner but could it be that you just have not met this man nor can imagine what that would be life.

Somewhere in grad school I remember numbering a list of characteristics in the order of importance, such as (honesty, loyalty, humorous, affectionate, hard working, etc) and having great difficulty in numbering their importance, as they are all important, and I want them all. Of course in the assignment, there had to be some compromise.

I have been married, had children, been divorced, etc. I can't picture Mr. Right either. I don't think that is a bad thing necessarily. It leaves you with the open mindedness when you meet him. Ironically, sometimes the person turns out to be one that you would least envision. Please know I am not minimizing, but you are 25, and it would be nearly impossible to have all of the answers, I am guessing that is why you state that you have been doing a lot of thinking about your future. Sounds like you ahead of the game compared to most people your age.

I have a 25 yr old daughter who just graduated from law school. She is very bright. She has not even considered half of what you have. Your post is such a good reminder to me to make that list that states-I want...
Thank you for the reminder from someone young to someone middle aged.

 

[Orglethorp]

Thanks, brat17 :) Yeah, I've always been told that I'm and old soul. Mom jokes that I've been 30+ all my life.

 

[Nicolette]

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about my future: where I want to live when I finally finish university, how many kids I'd like to have someday, where I want them to grow up, how I'm going to afford the sort of life I want to live, etc. As I've been thinking about these things, I realized something that makes me sad. I never consider the role and assistance that my future husband will play in all of that.

If you don't currently have a partner this, to me, is perfectly normal and natural thinking.

I am confused as to why you think your father has taken the possibility of the dream with Mr Right away from you?

 

[Resilientbibliophile]

Greetings,

A short note, but it can be helpful to work on ourselves to seek out and study guides intended for couples often racing to a couples therapist even if we aren't strictly in a relationship at present. For experiences of parents, etc. who manifestly fail to get on and often excel in the realm of verbal/emotional/physical abuse (our loathed and wholly undesired 'relationship' template), I know that I need to do all I might to 'skills build' so that discoveries made about interrelational skills lacks can be unearthed and revealed outside a relationship if at all possible. This means seeking out book titles for couples in trouble - admittedly an odd gesture for one not strictly inside one - but better this than recording ill experiences for dysfunction that might strictly be predicted.

Absolute statements to the effect that "...this won't happen to me" although readily understood by this writer hold no real power unless such inclinations are backed in depth by awareness and newly-developed skills that will manifestly prevent the worst unalloyed recurrences. All relationships are work, all are imperfect, but better awareness of what process of give and take suits the couple versus the triumph of one or the other will help each of us improve measureably upon what our parents, God help me, 'enjoyed'. Kind regards...


M.

 

[mamachick]

Resilientbibliop- I agree, not just for those with ptsd, but people often spend more time planning weddings, house searching, decorating, etc. than exploring potential problems in relationships and with parenting.

There was a post about Bowen Family Therapy recently and I googled it as I am not real familiar. I printed and 8 section theory out to read later. It is very interesting. I have a failed marriage and kids did not turn out as I had hoped even though I read many parenting books and practiced very effective parenting. They are effected by parents relationship too.

The divorce rate is double in second marriages because when people get divorced, they often clean themselves up (whatever caused break up) and make a good appearance, but don't really make the changes that are necessary for future success. They re-marry, get comfortable, and go back to the old patterns. The characteristics that are offensive and contributed to the break up are repressed until it is safe again-according to research. However, I also think that many times people simply pick the wrong type of person first and second time without a very conscious effort to make change. Sound advice.