Relationship You Are All So Wonderful For Sharing

[blackswan]

Hi all,

I'm a newbie who stumbled across the site typing ever increasingly sad and desperate comments into Google. Indicators that you're not coping #134.

I just wanted to send a sincere thank you for the free and frank discussions about what loving someone with PTSD is like for you. Knowing that what I'm facing is not terribly unusual and that there is a community that supports itself through this is... so wonderful. I instantly feel less alone :')

I'm typically a lurker, but to add our story to all the others: boyfriend endures a decade of severe domestic physical and emotional violence and neglect as a child, boyfriend decides against getting together when we met in our early 20s cause he was "too crazy", 7 years of very close friendship, then when we both ended up simultaneously single we realised how much we care about each other, and... it's our two year anniversary next month. For knowing someone so well for so long, and with both of us working in Mental Health and having the associated professional knowledge, I had no idea how hard being with boyfriend and his PTSD would be. He was assaulted by a drug-fuelled client this time last year and this seems to have triggered him in a profound and enduring way. We're currently trying to plan our future and possibly children, but I realised just this week that his bad days are our normal and that we're going to be living this very difficult experience for a good long while yet. The fights. The dissociation. The rampant self-loathing. The begging me to leave him to protect myself. The nightmares. The panic attacks. The twitching. The flashbacks. The seemingly endless depression that saps all interest and motivation in any activity that isn't screen based and able to take place within our apartment. The self medication. The emotional cold shoulder and its equally horrible cousin, the need for constant reassurance.

He is on medication and seeing a very good psychologist. I have seen a (less good) psychologist. We're in the process of finding a good trauma-informed couples psychologist. I try to look after myself... (thank you for each and every reminder about this in this forum). But it is still so hard. So thank you for sharing your stories and letting me know that I'm not as alone as I feel sitting here with our cat because he can't tolerate my presence today. I appreciate it.

Two things: If there's a blindingly obvious thing that I can do that would help, please do feel free to share. And I'm also wondering how other people living with survivors of domestic violence navigate sharing their domestic spaces - I'm currently feeling that it's like living with a combat veteran in a war zone in regards to triggers, and so am looking for ways to discuss things like vacuuming without it sounding like I'm calling in an air-strike.

Thank you again for your sharing :)

 

[AqueousAndroid]

I typically don't like to just read and not comment, so I'm sorry if this isn't beneficial to you. I am at the opposite end you are. I am the person who is suffering from PTSD and my boyfriend has to deal with the brunt of things when things get bad for me. We recently had a falling out where I was trying to push him away (some weird mentality I've come to understand about myself where I just feel like because of my disorder, I am not meant to be happy?). By opening up conversation with him however, I know I have begun to feel a lot better. I don't mean to generalize, but as far as my experience has taught me, men don't really want to sit around and talk about their feelings. Which may be making your situation just that much harder.

I don't know what the answer is for you two, to be quite frank with you. But being each other's support can help. That is so hard when the other person pushes away. I don't know what will happen the next time I have a freak out like I did a bit ago. All I can say is that right now I am being very mindful of my emotions and communicating that information to my partner.

Stay strong, lady. We love you for it. :hug:

 

[scout86]

so am looking for ways to discuss things like vacuuming without it sounding like I'm calling in an air-strike.

Do you want the vacuuming to not sound like an air strike, or do you not want the discussion to not sound like an air strike?

Humor, used carefully, can be your friend. I've been in a few relationships and only one of them came anywhere close to being good. That one was with the person who first suggested to me that I might have PTSD. He came up with some really effective, and funny, but also kind and loving, ways of getting a point across. One of my favorites, he started by giving me a nickname. Then he started making up stories related to the nickname. (It was the name of a small, wild creature who lived in the woods. They could be VERY hard to make friends with, but they were worth the trouble. You could, occasionally bribe them with doughnuts......) When I was doing something that was self destructive, or pretty out of line, he would incorporate it into one of his stories. It got my attention, made me think, made me laugh, wasn't direct enough to start a fight, generally worked well for us. Wouldn't work for everyone, I know. But, like AqueousAndroid said, it's about communication. The effort has to come from both sides.

Something else that I find helpful is to realize that I am not paranoid (for example), that PTSD causes me to think in a paranoid manner sometimes. Most of the bad stuff that goes on is not the individual, it's a symptom of the condition. If I can keep that in mind, I find it helps because then I don't get as angry with myself, I can get angry with PTSD, if I want to be angry.

It sounds like you're taking all the right steps. I wish you both well and welcome to the forum!

 

[blackswan]

@AqueousAndroid - boyfriend prefers frank discussions about emotional states - he works in Mental Health, specialises in complex diagnoses, and was my very best girlfriend long before he was my boyfriend ;) Thank you for your insights regarding how things can be post acute periods :) it's heartening to hear that things can be viewed differently when adrenaline isn't pumping. Hearing that there is reflection on the other side of acute symptoms is so helpful too, thank you.

@scout86 - It's that I don't want discussions about vacuuming to sound like air-strikes. Discussions with boyfriend are revealing that he bore the brunt of a lot of physical violence perpetrated in the context of domestic tasks, so it feels like all discussions regarding household chores are a major trigger. Which, you know, is tricky when you're cohabiting and need to discuss these things regularly. Humour and externalisation are wonderful ideas :) I think these will need to form an important part of our next chapter and am very thankful for your reflections. I think it would be so helpful if we could maybe both be angry at PTSD instead of at each other. Thank you too for the encouragement :')

 

[Fadeaway]

I am a sufferer and I can not handle face to face conversations about household chores. It was an abuse tactic by my abuser. Many days I just can't get stuff done around the house due to anxiety, depression or whatever. I then end up being eaten away with guilt.
My husband thankful understands what a problem it is for me, and rarely brings it up and if he feels like something needs to be done, he does it if I am at the store, because even watching him clean is shameful to me, because I failed to do what needed to be done.

If we do have to have a conversation about it, I find conversations via instant messenger to work better for me. Otherwise I find my self trying to interpret his tone of voice and body language and see and hear things in it he swears isn't there. They probably aren't but I still feel like I am waiting to take a blow for missing a spot when mopping or not folding something right.

 

[blackswan]

Thank you, @Fadeaway. That's really helpful! Boyfriend does definitely read my most microest of micro-expressions and, when he's not doing great, will misinterpret my underlying emotion as threat-based. Scheduling these tricky conversations to be text conversations is an elegantly simple solution.

Sounding like I might just need to accept the role as chief cleaner in our house. Unless anyone else wants to clean the kitty litter box for us tomorrow? ;)

 

[shimmerz]

@Bronswan I cannot do many things around the house that I used to. It is a great source of shame and frustration to me. Talking about it just makes me feel substandard. I am with a man who does not like to do things around the house but he does them when I need to or just stands beside me when he sees that I am reacting. The love I feel for him when he does this is so incredible because I know he is doing it for me and trusts that I do what I can. Are there things that he does that you can comment on in a positive way so that you can establish this kind of trust.

My SO also noticed that many times when I couldn't do something if he 'helped me' (even just by being in the same area and being involved with me at the same time) it would lessen my reactions. He said to me one day that he felt that I was just feeling lonely so keeps me company while I do what I do. He would also use the strategies noted above by @Fadeaway's husband. Humour. Everything is not so serious and he constantly is telling me that it isn't so important. He doesn't say he loves me a ton but he sure shows me he does.

 

[blackswan]

@shimmerz, sounds like you and your SO have a wonderfully love-filled and supportive relationship :) thank you for sharing how different strategies have a positive effect for you and for your relationship. Great to hear that things can work smoothly.

I'm realising that my preference for cleanliness and order is, on the spectrum of this experience, closer to the OCD side of things and more so when I'm stressed, tired, or feeling emotionally pressured. Thanks go to my emotional volcano of a mother for her meltdowns whenever my childhood home was untidy. Ace. This is not ideal when living with someone who finds seeing/hearing/planning cleaning to be triggering. Cause yeah, I *know* it isn't important, say so regularly, don't mention 99.9% of my thoughts about it cause I *know* it's not a big deal, don't ever ever push or yell about it, and gently comment positively when boyfriend is able to contribute. But, ultimately, mess makes my skin itch and I would prefer everything to be spotless, especially when emotions are high, and he knows that and feels guilty. And then I feel guilty about him feeling guilty, and he feels guilty about me feeling guilty about him feeling guilty... and round we go.

Called and got us put on the waiting list for a trauma-informed couples counsellor yesterday.

 

[shimmerz]

It is so true @branswan and I think it is important to understand that everyone has triggers. It is difficult for the supporter imho because the PTSD affected person many times 'trumps' the triggers of the supporters and the supporters get lost in the fog. It isn't fair....and hopefully those affected by PTSD in the relationship can be compassionate enough to understand that their spouses have triggers as well. Those of us with PTSD have a moral responsibility to respect other's triggers as well. We shouldn't get a free ticket.

And then I feel guilty about him feeling guilty, and he feels guilty about me feeling guilty about him feeling guilty... and round we go.

And so goes the spin out. My husband is pretty OCD about spotless, and I don't know how long he will be able to put up with substandard living conditions (for me as well) but he does know I am trying and for him that seems to help him a ton.

Best of luck with your counselor. I hope that they can help you both understand and come to a point of balance for both of you.

Love and light
Shimmerz