Relationship You want to continue supporting, but they seem so lost in isolation.

[Deleted member 44240]

I got the job where he is! The owner of the business is a friend of mine and she won’t terminate him based on what I said! As mentioned earlier I understand my error in sharing too much, but I’m not going to continue this conversation with anyone else.

 

[Sweetpea76]

@B.J. you see the reaction that people are having, so take it as a learning experience. Boundaries and trust are a huge big deal with PTSD. Were you acting maliciously? I don't think so. I think you spoke without thinking, but it is what it is. You have to deal with the fall out now.

He may say he's forgiven you, but he's probably lost trust in you. I'd give him a lot of space now.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

but I’m not going to continue this conversation with anyone else.

I most definitely will if you take what I expressed as a learning statement. I mentioned that I understood over stepping boundaries. I thought I was helping matters by sharing with her so that she could be careful when dealing with him. I didn’t think is correct, because I didn’t understand the sensitivity of what I said, however, one shouldn’t feel attacked for for making an innocent mistake. Had I known I was doing wrong, I would not have said anything to her at all. She’s (boss) extremely understanding because she also suffers with mental health issues. Remember, supporters (me) definitely are learning without any or very little education and support; coming here is supposed to be a support forum; I had no clue it would be a,” you said or did the wrong thing, so now we need to attack,” kind of thing. Education can be directed in an understanding way as well by treating me as if I didn’t know any better, so we’ll inform you of your mistake with kindness not malice.

 

[Freida]

he is angry with me over hearsay and some things I’ve shared with others.

Just reading this makes me (as a sufferer) so angry I'm shaking so hard I can barely type. HOW DARE YOU spread something so intensely private to anyone!

I’ve not overstepped any boundaries,

Are you kidding me with this? You overstepped one of the biggest boundaries in PTSD. You took your need to "help" and COMPLETELY violated his trust. You didn't think she would tell anyone? Well I bet HE didn't think you would tell anyone after he trusted you and look how that worked out for him!

I have a close friend of 20 years who accidentally outed me to a co-worker and it took MONTHS before I would even acknowledge he was in the room with me. I still haven't forgiven him, but I will at least admit these days that he is alive and even have the occasional conversation with him. But our friendship is done.

Ok, if I’m wrong, then I’m wrong. I’ve apologized profusely to him for haven over-stepped boundaries.

Stop expecting you are going to make this better. What you have done is unforgivable. Not only did you out him - you did it to his employer! If you have learned anything on this forum it should be the shame and embarrassment that comes with PTSD - if not from the supporters then from the sufferers.

You reasons behind why you did it are totally irrelevant to a sufferer. HE now has to pick up the pieces of your "helping" and try to figure out if there will ever been anyone he can trust to keep his confidence. Because obviously it's not you.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Ok... sufferers. If this thread is hitting a nerve with you please step out. Remember this is the supporter area. Link Removed

Keep this thread on topic.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

You’re failing to understand that what you’re saying is also irrelevant because I cant take it back, it done. I have to suffer the repercussions of what I did; I don’t need anyone else to chastise me for it. If he never forgives me, then I deserve that.

 

[Sweetpea76]

@B.J. I think you're getting such a strong reaction from people because you basically did the equivalent of outing him.

That's going to take a whole lot of time and patience to get over.

Have you had any contact with him, or did you hear this second hand?

 

[Deleted member 44240]

I’ve spoken with him by way of text. He explained that is was a big NO, NO! I definitely get it now. Again, I would never in a million years just blatantly out someone or try to hurt them in any way. I truly do LOVE him with all of my heart! His boss, who is a friend of mine, inquired because of his behavior one day. I explained that she had to be careful and not so hard or quick with the tongue because he suffers with ptsd. I guess at that time to me it was like saying he had a cold. I was just making sure she was aware because I didn’t want him hurt in any way by anyone. As I mentioned, now I see it’s like sharing if he had an std or something private like that. I get it for sure, but I really don’t get the understanding of the supporters and their short-comings. I’m now second-guessing if I should stay here because I didn’t expect this kind of uncaring, disrespectful and demeaning response to an innocent mistake. We as supporters understand all day, everyday with our sufferers (which it should be if you love them). However, the amount of disrespect for supporters is astonishing and unbelievable. Thank you for your insight.

 

[joeylittle]

@B.J. - here's the thing: if you hadn't been given such strong responses, would you have understood/accepted that telling your friend/his boss that he has PTSD was wrong?

 

[Sweetpea76]

However, the amount of disrespect for supporters is astonishing and unbelievable.

I didn’t expect this kind of uncaring, disrespectful and demeaning response to an innocent mistake.

I think you're taking strong reactions as a personal attack. People tend to be blunt here because dealing with mental illness isn't pretty, even as supporters.

You said you'll use this as a learning experience. Use this. People reacted like this and they don't even know you or him. Instead of thinking he is being unreasonable or isolating because PTSD, consider that he had a justified reaction. How do you move on from here? What are some steps you can take to move on if this is the end? What will you do differently in the future.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

@joeylittle i don’t believe I would have because I didn’t know any better. That’s part of the education I spoke of that was needed for me.
@Sweetpea76 i thought it was understood that I get it now. It won’t happen again; and no, this isn’t the end because he said he forgave me and needed time. So I believe we’ll be fine. It took me a year to get to this point. When he told me of his ptsd, I didn’t have a clue. Now, I understand a lot more than before and I’m still learning. But this attack feeling is no joke. I can’t or won’t continue to be Hester in the Scarlet Letter, as if I’m labeled some crazed lunatic who is out to hurt people by outing them. I’ll have to reconsider if this site is going to continue to work for me.

 

[Freida]

as if I’m labeled some crazed lunatic who is out to hurt people by outing them.

You're not a crazed lunatic. You are person who made a huge mistake by outing someone with ptsd - even though you were trying to help. This is an enormous violation of privacy and I'm not sure you understood that when you first posted. The attack feeling is because you kept trying to defend your actions - which just reinforced that you either didn't understand what you had done or weren't taking it seriously

Hopefully now you see what an enormous impact this has on sufferers (as in - makes them totally unreasonable!) -- which also means understanding it may take him a while to rebuild his trust in you. I do hope you guys can make it work but it is going to take time -- a lot of it.

This might be a good time for you to suggest couples counseling as a way for both of you to work to make the relationship better by learning about the boundaries of sufferer and supporter. You may be able to get him in the door by making it less about ptsd and more about building a better relationship with you. It would also show that you understand the impact of what you did (while not saying you were wrong -- just that you understand the impact). Hopefully that shows that you want to work with him to improve your understanding and then lead him into being more open with his own issues. And yea -- hopefully hopefully...best you can do for now.