Relationship So Lost... Vet Husband With Ptsd Symptoms Won't Budge

[Foreva Faithful]

So, my heart is breaking so bad lately. It has been 7 months of a living hell! My husband and I have been married 5 1/2 years, and 7 months ago he walked out after a minor argument and has been living at his parent's house since. I met him after he served a deployment in Iraq and was out of active duty. Shortly after meeting me he was called back to reserves. A little over a year ago he received notice that he may be called back to active duty. He was thrilled, I threw a fit at first.

It was scary to think of all the changes, I figured if I got upset enough he would say no when it came down to being a choice. Looking back that is a big regret. After a couple weeks I was ok and supportive, ready for the change. We were a very affectionate couple always snuggling and holding hands everyday with many kisses and I love yous. The fight before he left was over me wanting to make a career change before having anything lined up. That afternoon 7 months ago he sat me down and said we needed to part ways now before dragging anything out. He hugged and kissed me goodbye and told me that he loved me. I thought he would only be gone a couple days.

For the first week or two he would still replied he loved me. He was having a lot of anger outbursts, even at work, staying at his parents and only speaking with people he hadn't been friends with long. He now goes through spurts of either hanging out with friends staying busy or by himself at his parents. We talk at least once a day, and through text. One minute he can be himself the next he turns into someone I don't even know.

He says he is done and wants to move on in life alone. He won't try living in separate rooms in our house, or even meet up with me to talk about things in person. I feel that he walked out one day and is not willing to work on things like he vowed to. He has always taken our vows to heart. He used to want to do anything to make me happy, now he tells me my problems are not his problems. He has stayed home a couple nights when I am not there, so he can take care of the dog. However, he never takes anything with him.

He exhibits so many signs of PTSD and TBI. He thinks he is completely fine and gets upset at the fact I mention PTSD. He will not go to counseling with me or for himself. What do I do? I am in counseling, but nothing helps me feel better. What does it take for him to want to get help? What can I suggest to him to make him interested in compromising? I know in his heart he loves me, I feel when he is nice he realizes it and is mean and pushes me away again. I love him with all my heart and trying to do everything to support him and give him space. I just don't want to give up on him or us, what can I do?

 

[Nicolette]

Hi Foreva Faithful.

I don't have any words of wisdom to offer at present but wanted to let you know I read you post and I feel for you.

 

[Foreva Faithful]

Thank you. I have read countless stories for months on here and now brave enough myself to post. Just looking for answers, help, and hope.

 

[sisu]

Hello Foreva Fathful. ((((hugs))))

I'm glad to hear that you have been reading on here and have reached out to others in your situation for support and answers. I know what you are going through is painful because you love him so much and his behavior just isn't making sense to you right now. I would continue educating yourself on PTSD and Combat PTSD as your are doing now. In addition, you need to take care of yourself. As hard as this is to do, it is very important. What are some things that make you happy, that make you feel special?....maybe a manicure, lunch with some girlfriends, a shopping trip or anything. And continue with your counseling sessions ~ this too will help you.

As for your husband, there is nothing really that you can do or say that will make him do something he is not ready to do. Putting pressure on him to do these things will actually make the situation worse. PTSD is a stress disorder and when you add more stress to his "normal PTSD amount" of stress his cup overflows. Just keep talking to him daily like you are and keep things light. He obviously still loves you or he would have stopped talking to you a long time ago.

My guy has Combat PTSD from service in the Army. In the 5 years that I have known my guy I have learned a lot about how I can react in his more stressful times. I have found it works best if I act exactly the same loving way ~ no more and no less. As human beings we want to wrap our love around someone we care about when we see them hurting, but in this case it adds to the stress for them. Once the "episode" is over we are able to talk about what was stressing him and move forward. We are now getting to the point where he sometimes tells me during the "episode" what is going on and how he is feeling. (giant leaps for us)

Don't beat yourself up for getting angry, throwing a fit or any other thing you might have done that looking back you wish you hadn't done. We are human beings with human emotions and that is a good thing.

Take care FF!! ~Sisu

 

[Foreva Faithful]

Sisu,

Thank you, these words meant so much! All of the people I am surrounded with are civilians with not much experience with those in the military, so their advice is just not the same. They see it as him stringing me along. He says he is done, but he will never speak against it when I tell him I know he still loves me. He is just holding so much resentment over some words I said over a year ago. I just hope I haven't held on for too long, or done anything that would damage the chance he would come home.

Thanks,
FF

 

[SarinaA]

Hi Foreva Faithful,

Your post reminds me so much of my own situation and my heart goes out to you. I totally understand how much you love him and wish to help. Mine has been coming and going now for 5 years. I had no idea he even had PTSD until about 1 year ago and then everything made sense. Our most recent breakup caused me to completely flip out at him and I called him the worst names in history. In my own defence, he keeps running away from me and starts up new relationships with other women. Nuff said there. His committment issues are massive however his infidelity is something I cannot cope with.

Now I feel terrible for saying all those things. He did once go get some help but only went to 2 sessions before giving up. Was too confronting for him. He is progressively getting worse and I have just decided to leave him to own devices until this episode is over (anywhere from 1 day to 4 months).

Its hard to move on when there were so many happy times and great memories have been created. Nobody wants to focus on the bad and we can see the goodness that still is inside them. I am sitting here in tears, heartbroken because I have simply run out of steam. Even his own family told me to just run and never look back. That's just too sad.

Big hugs to you sweetie. I wish I had all the answers to heal everyone but they have to want to heal in the first place. And therein lies a big part of the problem. And we cannot force them to get help.

Be strong xxx

 

[ronnalee]

FF take care of you dear. Step back and loosen your grip around all of this. I can easily drive myself to distraction thinking through all the 'stuff.'

Have you heard the old joke: how do you eat an elephant?

Answer: one bite at a time!

My sufferer has had symptoms for 5 years and was diagnosed 3 years ago. He is in counseling and resistant to any help or tools they share with him. I tell others I am in rehab for fixing people. This is by far my greatest challenge ever.

I am so grateful for this website and forum and information. I am grateful for you and your sharing of your circumstances.

 

[Foreva Faithful]

Thank yOu all. It is extremely easy to get caught up in all of this, as I am not working. Being my husband I am very devoted to him. Even though he says he is never coming home we have been talking 2-3 times a day and texting. Any time I tell him I know he still loves me he goes silent or changes the subject. I just wish I could say the right thing that would get him to come home or get help, we are right in the same spot and conversations as 7 months ago.

 

[SeekingSerenity]

Is there not someone who you could get to act as a mediator between you, someone professional who will be able to get to the bottom of this? If he is not able to open up to you directly, maybe he can do it through someone else? It just looks to me as if you guys are at a stalemate... sounds like you needs a breakthrough.

 

[sisu]

FF,
You are putting too much pressure on yourself to do or say the "right" thing and then probably feeling upset when you can't come up with that "right" word or statement. Unfortunatly there is no right thing, just say what you need to say and allow him to process it. His process time may be slower than yours right now (plus he is a man! ;)) So don't expect any immediate reaction to what you say to him.

Anyway, please be kind to yourself. :)

I first found this site 4 years ago when I got pushed away. My case is different than yours as he was my boyfriend and not my husband. He told me about his PTSD from the start but showed no outward signs and I did not really know much about PTSD so I didn't look for signs either. He shut down and pushed me away and I was devastated because I just didn't understand. We broke up and did not speak for almost 2 years - no email, no text, no phone calls, nothing.

We re-connected by chance May 2010 and have had some bumps, but I think we are finally in a good place. We never stopped loving each other, it was just that he felt that he had too many demons in his head to expose me to that kind of life. I also think it takes a huge amount of trust (much more than normal trust, if that makes sense) to allow someone else to see those demons. He is a very kind soul and almost too nice at times....never has he raised his voice to me or said any unkind word. He turns those things in on himself and beats himself up instead. (that part breaks my heart) We have finally reached a point where I understand PTSD as much as I can and he trusts me enough to show me those demons. He tells me when he is having a flashback, he talks a bit about Iraq and Afghanistan, he tells me when he is having a bad day, a depressed day or a panic attack. Before he always tried to hide those things. Now we can talk about those things and he feels better and I am not guessing what is wrong so I feel better. Luckily for us, those bad days are few and far between now. He knows the anniversaries that haunt him....we just had one last week. It was an anniversary of the day his unit was dropped off inside Iraq. He had a lot of flashbacks that day. But just the fact that he can tell the one that cares about him the most how he feels when those bad things are happening, he feels better.

Just keep talking to your husband and try to build up that "super trust" somehow....maybe if he is open to a 3rd party helping communicate. It's not easy and only you can decide if it is worth it. Take care!!

~Sisu

 

[Foreva Faithful]

@ Seeking Serenity, he is not willing to go to counseling with me and does not like to open up to anyone about our situation. He says whether family or friends ask about it he says that he is taking care of things and doesn't want to talk about it. There is a retired vet that I spoke with (stranger to me and my husband) who my husband is willing to speak to, not necessarily about our situation. I did give the retired vet some background info. Maybe that will break ground... we do go in cycles, such as talking 2-3 times a day and text, to me trying to contact him and no response for a day or two. My counselor says that he is starting to feel close, then pulls away.

@ Sisu, I have been pretty honest with him. The only upside to this whole thing is I think before I speak. Sometimes wording the same message differently diverts a trigger. I was not always the nicest wife and this experience has taught me so much. I just wish he would allow to see the change in me. I feel so thankful for you right now!

Husband or not, both of our men have been through similar experiences and no other significant others can relate like military. Demons is exactly what I call "it." Especially when I talk to my husband about it I use the word demons and not PTSD. He has shared with me many experiences he went through that he could only talk with his army buddies about. I just don't think he ever wanted to lead me onto the fact that he has flashbacks. I really do feel he experiences flashbacks and doesn't want a soul to know. His tall tell signs are not ever sleeping well and being very startled whenever I would wake him from a deep sleep. He tends to get panicky around crowds and malls, but can handle sporting events.

Anniversaries are the worst. I know significant ones that he has shared with me and on those days knowing to let him be and recieve support from those that were there with him. He has opened up to me in the past more. I feel that maybe that trust has dimmed more with things I have said and threatened in the past to him. He doesn't even trust or believe me at this point that I would leave him be and not talk to him or be around him if he was at home.

Everyone around me is civilians and are not dealing with a spouse or significant other who has served. They all tell me to move on, but my heart is telling me it is worth it all to try. Thank you for all of your wisdom and support! :)

FF