Relationship You want to continue supporting, but they seem so lost in isolation.

[Deleted member 44240]

Just reading this makes me (as a sufferer) so angry I'm shaking so hard I can barely type. HOW DARE YOU...

Thank you very much @Freida i really do appreciate this response which come across not so harsh. I’m sure you meant well, but I’m not really comfortable with continuing to converse with you concerning this. I’m still his supporter and will always be and he knows that. But I’m still learning each day and I’m reaching out to those who know better than me. Again, I appreciate your post.

 

[LuckiLee]

If I take anyone's advice.. it's @Freida's.

There's a good book The PTSD Relationship. I'd start there. Good luck

 

[Supervixn]

As a sufferer I'd be so humiliated if my boss knew. Even if my supporters family knew I have it, which I'm sure they do... ugh makes me cringe.

Im sure you meant well... If he's even talking to you still I'm sure he understands that too... just... I would not *ever* reccommend doing this as a supporter-- well intended or not. It's so highly personal. I'm a female and I struggle with the concept of weakness; can't imagine how a man would feel. I'd be so embarassed I'd honestly have to find other employment... every snicker or raised brow, every compliment even, would send me into inner hysterics knowing they know my "weakness". The torture of worrying how my boss thought of me. I wouldn't be able to breathe. In the wrong hands, that info could really put him in a vulernable spot. There are so many manipulators out there; so many horrible people who could use that info to his detriment. Did you ask his boss to keep it private at least? Fat chance he/she will. I feel embarassed for him even though there's nothing to be ashamed of, PTSD carries with it immense shame... it just does...

Aye... I understand where your heart was but, ouch. I'd be pissed too. You may have been through a lot with him but without having PTSD yourself, it's the honest to God truth that no amount of empathy can really give you a true understanding of the suffering involved. To even have PTSD feels so horribly shameful to me, which I know is wrong and hopefully it changes, but it's how it feels for so many.

I dont mean to make you feel bad. I really don't because I know you're probably a very caring person. But I hope anyone reading this and considering doing the same will please reconsider. It's horribly damaging. Please keep this info to yourself whenever possible. It's so important.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

Thank you @Supervixn,
Too late, I already feel horrible and it’s getting worse with each new post I read. Again, his boss, who is a friend of mine, definitely keeps personal information private, so I’m sure she hasn’t told anyone else. I’m sorry for all sufferers to be in the position you’re in living with ptsd, however it’s not anything to be ashamed of; you’re still fabulous people; you just happen to have ptsd. I stand behind you all and with special recognition to the sufferer in my life who is very dear to me and I love with all the energy I can give! If he only knew just how important he is to me and how much I admire him for his strength and intelligence. I’m sure he’s majorly upset, and rightfully so, and I’m also sure it’s going to take a while for us to get through this. We have been through other challenges in the past and we made it through, so I’m hopeful and prayerful that we’ll make it through this.please send us all of your positive energy so that we can rekindle our beautiful union.

 

[Supervixn]

What no one has said, that needs to be said to you is this:

It's okay and perfectly human to make a mistake.

It really is.

I hope the very very very best for you two. Please update so we know how it goes; I'm rooting for you both. Things happen and we all have regrets. You definitely know better now I'd say! Heck this post might stop someone dead in their tracks from sharing their sufferers info with people. :) Good luck

 

[Deleted member 44240]

What no one has said, that needs to be said to you is this:

It's okay and perfectly human to make...

Thank you so much for finally saying this. It really means a lot to me for being allowed to make a mistake.

 

[Hojay]

Oy, my heart goes out to you @B.J. re the responses you’ve been getting here. Yeah, I think you get it and you don’t need more people to tell you how wrong/shitty/careless/whatever what you did was. Fact of the matter, we don’t get a handbook as supporters. We’re thrown into a vastly confusing and painful situation without anybody to tell us what to do, say, and expect. The worst part is that if we make mistakes, those mistakes are magnified because someone else’s mental health is on the line. It’s like sneezing at someone with leukemia. Ordinarily not a big deal to sneez at someone (though rude and careless,) but possibly detrimental to someone with leukemia. Difference is that everything we do or don’t do can be a sneez to our PTSD partners. We won’t know until we know. Aside from common sense (which I’m sure you’d have applied here had you known more about PTSD,) we really can’t presage the consequences of some of our actions. Nor should we, we’re not programmable robots.

Do you know how many times I’ve been treated like an abuser or monster for simply saying the wrong word, feeling the wrong feelings, or some misjudgement? Yeah, not fun. Quite traumatizing to be exact. I feel you.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

Oy, my heart goes out to you @B.J. re the responses you’ve been getting here. Yeah,...

Thank you @Hojay ... Thank you three times! I like your sneezing analogy (great way to explain and educate). I’ve been thinking about leaving this site due to not feeling like I belong here. As you said, we as supporters are gonna make mistakes because we’re learning how to be supporters. Last night I felt like a swarm of bees had jumped on me; I shouldn’t have to feel like that at all, not being in the supporter’s section. Then to be told, see how people are tearing you up, how do you like that? Huh? It was if I said I murdered someone. I made a mistake and I learned not to, but I’m grown, all you have to do is educate me, not scold. I always asked my sufferer to give me room for error and to have patience because I don’t know, but I’m willing to learn. How can anyone be an effective supporter without learning how to? Again, thank you for allowing me to find support from another supporter.

 

[Hojay]

I’ve been thinking about leaving this site due to not feeling like I belong here.

I hear you. I've felt much the same way at times. Just a few weeks ago, I came on here because I've had this recurring problem with my SO that he accuses me of "not letting him calm down" when he needs to. I got ripped a new one on here for what I was thinking/doing/not doing and basically, how could I be doing what I'm doing? In the end, yeah, I got the message (sometimes, I'm the only adult in this relationship and I need to step up.) It was educational, but also not the smoothest ride.

What's difficult to digest sometimes is the self-righteousness (a word I use often in this context) and rigidity with which some sufferers explain, defend, or justify their perspective. (And I get this from my own SO as well.) It's as if this is the most natural, common sense, and logical disorder thinkable and we're just too dense to get it, nevermind the fact that we're in relationship with someone whose disorder often distinctly prevents them from communicating with their support system in constructive ways (no judgement.)

The only reason for this I can think of is that many sufferers struggle to communicate with their support system or partners and often feel misunderstood, which, of course, can be infuriating and lonely. So some come on here to lash out at or lecture supporters--I think it can be a way of figuring out just what they feel and think in response to their own partners, so it's helpful in a way to be able to hash it out in an anonymous setting. The more the anger/self-righteousness level rises, the more it's a reflection of what they struggle with in real life. Is my opinion.

And I agree with you, there's something a little off-putting about sufferers coming onto the supporter section to guilt us into not getting it. Some of them seem to not understand that we are taking real time out of our day, heck, LIFE, to come on here and learn how to best support those we love, learn from out mistakes, and manage. We could just as well say f*ck it, not come on here, and dump them. I think any sufferer with a supporter on here is lucky as hell that someone is investing in them to this extent.

As much as sufferers need and want empathy from their environment, some aren't so good at offering it to others. (And not to get too analytic here, but I think the level of empathy you extend to others is directly proportional to the level of empathy you extend to yourself. But I digress...)

I do hope you stay. Sufferer input has been invaluable to me on here. Your experience in this thread isn't uncommon, but also not a real reflection of your "failing" in relation to your SO.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

I hear you. I've felt much the same way at times. Just a few weeks ago, I came on here because I've had t...

Thank you so very much @Hojay. You hit the nail on the head! Why would supporters come here for ridicule if they didn’t care and want to learn about how to be a better support system for their sufferers? It’s definitely been an eye-opening experience for me and I will keep what you said in mind. Thank you again.

 

[Sweetpea76]

@Hojay and @B.J. this is not a discussion about sufferers versus supporters on this site.
Keep the thread on topic.

 

[Hojay]

@Sweetpea76 apologies if our discussion derailed the thread in your eyes. I was seeing that the OP was struggling with the responses she was getting and tried to put them in context for her. I thought that was important also for other supporters who read this thread and might be put off by the level of force applied.