Relationship Your Relationship Hurt Caused By Ptsd ( Supporters/carers)

[Aching65]

@Trying best the things i have learned here is that sufferers, yes they hurt others, but often they are not aware of it, and if they are, they have NO CONTROL of what is happening to them. They are hurting themselves more than they are hurting us. So to criticize their wrong doing is really hurting them even more. Some are doing the best they can just to survive. I have a GF who has been diagnosed 5 months ago. She is going trough therapy, and the relation has been on/off ever since. Initially i was blaming her for my pain and the trouble, but i have soon come to understand the mistakes I made. They were numerous. Mostly giving her space, respecting her wishes, and talking to others for support to myself. The talking one got me in big trouble while i thought i was doing my best to help her. You got to sit tight, really tight...., and listen to what those people have to say....

just my own 2 cents...

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Thats when you read the message. We are here to read, understans learn and support anything and wverything about Ptsd.

I am sorry, I don't understand your response to my statement. Explain please?

I am confused about your intentions.

 

[Trying best]

Y

Actually, it IS hurtful to a sufferer, and well, I have an opinion on your own relationship with your sufferer, but I will keep it to myself. I am sorry that you do not have the capacity to see how this topic can be hurtful. I have said it before and I will say it again....not everyone is cut out to be a supporter.

@Solara

Everybody is different but if someone did ,I would love them to point out my flaws because I am In this forum to learn and have an open mind. I would have never learnt if something drastic wouldn't haven't happened to me in my own relationship. You are venting about my topic , seriously , take a step back and read my other posts and provide support if you can with what i am trying to do for my spouse and my marriage. It is hard for a third party to really empathize but the least you can do is guess someone intention. Assuming, the post was posted in the wrong thread (unintentionally, as i have mentioned where I intended to post) . Please don't waste time proving why the topic is wrong, If you don't like it , don't post, its that simple.

Also , please read what @Aching65 has written, he has provided insight and helped me instead of wasting time on how a topic is worded. Helping is true intention, not questioning a topic!! You ask why I am unable to understand why I have posted here, you have failed to understand the true intention which is mentioned in my posts above! But i am have no time to explain my topic to anyone who questions someone's true intentions . As far as your opinion on my relationship which you don't intend on sharing as you mentioned then please keep it to yourself. You don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all is what my mom says . But there is no reason to hint your passive aggressive negativeness in my post. If it helps then just don't post. I'd would greatly appreciate that. And I'd rather have that.Thank you!

 

[shimmerz]

@Trying best , let me try to get this back on track. I get what the others are saying. The wording could have been better, but that is part of the learning experience of people who have PTSD AND the supporters of those with PTSD. There is a ton of hurt in both the supporters and the sufferers. BUT there is no use dwelling on that. I as a PTSD sufferer learned that very early on.

PTSD is an opportunity for growth for both the sufferer and their supporters. The raw emotion that it brings out in both parties is a gift of being able to see what is 'inside'. This world focuses so much on what is 'outside'.

I choose to look at how PTSD has changed my sense of self for the better. I choose to be an active participant, in as positive way that I can. Lord knows, I have my days - as do my supporters. It has made me a better person. My supporters say that I have taught them a ton. I am much stronger because of it and for those that have chosen to walk this journey with me, well, they have had to make the same choices. It lets them see inside of themselves as well - to grow with me - to re-prioritize (or not).

So you see, at the end of the day all of us with PTSD and those who support us make a choice. We either get bitter and embroiled in the bad or we choose to grow with it. So what side of the fence (if you choose to support) do you want to be on? The grassy side or the swampy side?

 

[Trying best]

let me try to get this back on track. I get what the others are saying. The wording could have been better, but that is part of the learning experience of people who have PTSD AND the supporters of those with PTSD. There is a ton of hurt in both the supporters and the sufferers. BUT there is no use dwelling on that. I as a PTSD sufferer learned that very early on.

There is no dwelling on any anofy hurt. If i was dwelling then I wouldn't be here trying to learn and empower myself with knowledge. I have a marriage to save , do you think u can empathize with my situation. No, and that's because u only know the depth of hurt and loss when you wlam in their ahows. The last thing I'm worried about is a "thread topic".

PTSD is an opportunity for growth for both the sufferer and their supporters. The raw emotion that it brings out in both parties is a gift of being able to see what is 'inside'. This world focuses so much on what is 'outside'.

You have very clearly and nicely explained on here that it is an opportunity to grow.
Where do u think my growth came from?? It came from the determination that I have in order to save this marriage. You talk about bringing out the raw emotion . But I am still new to this condition, if i have to learn both sides then thats what I have to do. I absolutely disagree if a member thinks my topic thread is going to hurt a Sufferer.

People jump from forum to forum and they have the same freedom to look at all the posts. Therefore, topic thread has nothing to do with it. As time and time , I have told that I want to learn. I see posts of other women whose husband are leaving or is in the verge of leaving them due to their ptsd. I am especially interested in those posts because it relates to my situation . As hurtful as there situation sounds , do you think I get hurt reading their posts which is what some members are implicating to when sufferers read how my topic is worded. I can only empathize to those women to a certain extent and support and in return learn what these woman are going through and how they are coping. People have the right to ask what they want as long as they are learning. You cant just get hurt when you know someone is trying to ask if that was the case then the sufferes should be bannes from the supporters page viceversa.

I choose to look at how PTSD has changed my sense of self for the better. I choose to be an active participant, in as positive way that I can. Lord knows, I have my days - as do my supporters. It has made me a better person. My supporters say that I have taught them a ton. I am much stronger because of it and for those that have chosen to walk this journey with me, well, they have had to make the same choices. It lets them see inside of themselves as well - to grow with me - to re-prioritize (or not).

And thanks for this paragraph above. I learned something from it . That is the purpose of the forum.

 

[shimmerz]

do you think u can empathize with my situation.

Yes, it was through a horrifying divorce that I got PTSD. It was through that divorce that I am the person that I am today. I learned from it - a ton about myself, my past, my life. Life will never be the same for me. My vision of myself will never be the same.

It came from the determination that i have in order to save this marriage. You talk about bringging out the raw emotion .

Yes, and I tried to save my marriage as well, but there was nothing to save. The more I tried the sicker I got because I wasn't looking to see what was actually happening around me. He didn't want to be part of it anymore. I don't know if this is the case with you, but I can tell you my own personal experience (and I would hate to see you on this board as a sufferer) that one person cannot fix a relationship on their own.

 

[Trying best]

Yes, it was through a horrifying divorce that I got PTSD. It was through that divorce that I am the person that I am today. I learned from it - a ton about myself, my past, my life. Life will never be the same for me. My vision of myself will never be the same.

@shimmerzWe can all empathize but cant feel the same feeling or depth of hurt. As another woman, goig thtough divorce, we have the same vanatage point but we dont have the same experience. I have good days and bad days. Honestly, I look forward to seeing/talking to him but those are the harder days. So I have drastically cut communication. I am still had the phase where i feel like everythinng is a dream and i am just goinng to snap out if it. I am Not sure if I havw fully accepted it.

Yes, and I tried to save my marriage as well, but there was nothing to save. The more I tried the sicker I got because I wasn't looking to see what was actually happening around me.

My husband dangling a small piece of hope saying things may change as nothing is set in stone. I don't feel like the relationship is regressing or progressing , we are stuck and that's exactly how I feel "stuck". Other than the separation and divorce and hurt. The level of comfort and security is still them Same. He wants space but the more I give him the more he gets comfortable. How did you try to reconcile with your husband? When did you realise it was only you making the effort?

 

[shimmerz]

Ahhhhh, man do I feel this posting. Thanks for the clarification. So much hurt and so much betrayal. I am so sorry. I tried every way to Sunday. I tried to be kind, the kinder I was the more he hated me. The more he hated me the worse it got and the more I tried to calm it down. It was so horrendous. My friends were frantic about my safety and my health. I couldn't do anything right - but me - yep - I kept trying.

I was given some advice that I should do some fact finding - to see what was really happening because he was gaslighting me - telling me one thing and doing another. It had me frantic. So I (ashamed to say as I am not like this) was talked into putting a voice recorder in the house for when I wasn't there.

I listened to it for days non stop trying to get my head around it. I couldn't believe what I was hearing and the deception that I had been working with. All that energy and he was sabotaging me. Didn't care a less although he said he did. I felt like I had been dropped into the middle of a horror flick

The one lesson I learned from that .... actions speak much louder than words. Regardless of how I wanted things to work out - if I had just taken notice of his actions - really looked as if I had no stake in the outcome - I would not be the emotional mess that I am today. He said I would thank him for it one day. That day has yet to arrive.

Just be careful....there are 'crazymakers' out there. Whether he has PTSD or not, you deserve to be allowed a completely honest discussion. I have a severe chronic case of PTSD but I am going to tell you, from a sufferer's perspective, PTSD is no excuse for ruining someone else's life.

Love and Light
Shimmerz

 

[Trying best]

So I (ashamed to say as I am not like this) was talked into putting a voice recorder in the house for when I wasn't there.

@shimmerz what do you mean listening to the taping. Were you recording your conversation so you could improve communication or was he cheating and you found that out through the recorder

Just be careful....there are 'crazymakers' out there. Whether he has PTSD or not, you deserve to be allowed a completely honest discussion. I have a severe chronic case of PTSD but I am going to tell you, from a sufferer's perspective, PTSD is no excuse for ruining someone else's life.

This is where it gets confusing, sometimes its hard for me to know if it is his ptsd, pure manipulation or my actions due to being ignorant about ptsd

 

[shimmerz]

Were you recording your conversation so you could improve communication or was he cheating and you found that out through the recorder

Sorry for the lack of clarity for you on this one @Trying best. Cheating would have been excellent. Much easier. No, he was methodically disassembling my life, my finances, my future, my possessions, and most importantly my psyche. It is very complicated but what he was saying to me (I want to keep on working on this blah blah blah) was actually not what his actions were showing. I couldn't see this. Therefore I was encouraged to put a voice activated tape recorder in the house so that when I left I would know what he was saying to others.

This is where it gets confusing, sometimes its hard for me to know if it is his ptsd, pure manipulation or my actions due to being ignorant about ptsd

@Trying best - yes, that is why I put the statement in there about PTSD. I can understand the confusion. PTSD may lend itself to rages or depression or hopelessness - but leaving someone dangling on the hook with their life at stake while they are 'comfortable' somewhere else - ummmmm.....no. It is important to understand that there are different 'flavours' (personalities that go beyond PTSD behaviours) of people within the PTSD population.

This sounds like something that is not a symptom of PTSD but instead a flavour of his personality. People can have PTSD and still be honest and notice that someone they are committed to is in pain and speak to them and treat them with dignity and respect. If you look on the board you will see a ton of examples of people who push away their caregivers - but they don't get comfortable somewhere else while they are doing so. They are in great turmoil.

No, it is not your ignorance. That is obvious because you are continually trying to bail it together while he is 'hanging out' (forgive me if I have gotten this wrong but this is what I understand from this posting). Only certain people can do that - and most PTSD'ers without some sort of 'what's in it for me' facet in their persona wouldn't do this if their life depended on it.

Love and Light
Shimmerz

 

[Trying best]

@shimmerz that is so sad , i dont undwrsrand why someone would hang a hope of reconcilation and play with emotions just waiting to screw them at the end. When you found out , did you confront him? Also, did he show any guilt or give an apology or realize his mistakes at some point?

 

[shimmerz]

Thank you @Trying best. There is a lesson in everything. Money mattered more to him. It was about greed. I am not that type so didn't see it. I kept asking why he was doing it. Of course I didn't understand because I couldn't relate at all. So if you are questioning, why, I suggest you stop, look in the mirror and figure out what is best for YOU.

No, there was no point confronting him - his actions and what I heard on the tape proved that he had no concern for my well being. He would have kicked my dead body down the staircase if it was in the way. He almost killed my two sons the night they were protecting me. I can't even go there as far as understanding that.

No, there was no apology. There was no phone call as I was in the woman's shelter. There was no help when I was sleeping in my car. There were no clothes when it was -20 degrees here - he had them at the house. On the upside, Karma took its toll on him this past month or so. I never wished him harm, but I have to tell you, I wasn't sad to see the outcome.

Unfortunately, that still does not solve my situation. So please, make sure you take care of yourself as it doesn't seem like your sufferer is able to see you in the way that you deserve. It is a very hard truth, I know. I am sorry and it may well work out for you - but please, make it about you, not him.

I too was 'stuck', as you mentioned above about how you feel. I think that any place is better than stuck. I lost it all (although I found myself which sounds cliche but was very good for me in the end) - but it was worth getting the hell out of there. I can't say one way or the other whether that is true for you. I know that a woman's outreach program helped me a ton to see things more clearly. I wonder if you can't get out of 'stuck' if they or a good counselor might be able to help 'unstick' you.

Bright Blessings to you
Shimmerz