Your Somatic Experience?

[watundah]

My therapy has been a mix of modalities and my therapist is a trauma expert. Because I spent many years isolated and silent, it's been a long, slow trudge to get beyond the surface. As I've previously stated, I have been stuck and resistant and am going to work harder at working harder.

That said, last week we touched back into somatic work and I find my hands and feet are often buzzing. She suggested the hands want to fight and the feet want to run (flight) but I was / am stuck in freeze mode. It's kind of a wild concept for me. I used to run but now my knees are toast and as an artist assume the buzzing is creative energy.

At times, this all seems a bit 'out there' when she encourages me to let my hands 'do what they want to do'. I am a very sensual person yet am out of touch with my body so much of the time. She told me to write about body sensations this week. It seems unless I stop in my tracks and say "hmmm..what's happening now" or unless I am stressed with a piano on my chest, my body seems to run along as an entity separate from my busy brain. It is challenging to grasp all of this, as I am a physically active person who pushes herself on a bike and mountain trails when I am totally in touch with my body. So I am kind of rambling. Looking for input from others, if this makes any sense.

 

[Panda Bear]

A lot here....

I get this...I think. In office when my body is stuck in that fight/freeze/flight mode, my T takes me for a walk. The movement stops the freeze, helps me focus and keeps me from flipping out. I can connect again. At times, I just need to bolt alone. So he lets me do that, I jump and head for the lobby outside his office. I pace for a few min and then come back when I'm calm. Now, T did warn me that bolting was only a short term solution and it was okay for now, but I have to develop better coping skills. One can't always boldt, and the flight mode isn't a way of life......

Spending so many years out of touch with my body and mind, when you introduce feelings(which I didn't have!) you sorta tend to freak a little! Recognizing that my body feels and reacts to my thoughts was crazy. While you're learning to understand it can be very laborious like you described.

It seems unless I stop in my tracks and say "hmmm..what's happening now"

Go with what you feel, and put to action the physical side(in a healthy way) what your body is saying do that you can put words to it. When you recognize the physical feelings, you'll be able to match them to a verbal feeling.

 

[Born to Run]

Maybe you could do a search on 'somatic experiencing', 'peter levine' or frozen, freeze, tonic immobility, as there is a lot written on the forum about your post. I know that I myself wrote a lot about it. You could also check out the book Waking the Tiger by Peter Levine, or one of his other books. If you have specific questions I would be happy to answer if I can.

 

[watundah]

I've read Waking the Tiger 1.5 times. :-) I understand the process but one thing I question with regard to his writings, he seems to address one traumatic event vs complex, multiple traumas.
Ill search for your posts.

Also, thanks, Panda. The body impact is obvious to me, say, if I argue with my spouse, my chest is tensing up or when Im wrapping up a 10 mile hike, my legs and feet are barking. The mini anxiety attacks are certainly new ir I am just learning to recognize them. It does help to hear how walking/moving put you in touch as it does for me. Unfortunately, some of the practice in her office is exaggerated to the point where I feel silly. That self consciousness is part of what causes my freeze response, I suspect.

 

[Born to Run]

Yes, I think you are right; he is focused on one traumatic event in that book. From my experience it does not matter as the way your body processes and remembers trauma it compartmentalises pieces of trauma in any case. The difference is that in complex trauma you may need to go into freeze a thousand times, while in single trauma you may just need one time. The wisdom of the body in this process is stunning to me.
Just know that nothing is silly what your body wants you to do, although it often may be or feel like it. Buzzing is good; it is a process in motion. You can try to feel into it, and sometimes there is an immediate emotion, image anything that can give you more direction or hint to the buzzing.

 

[Jowhar1981]

Not sure if this is helpful but I've had a lot of success with somatic experiencing. I was very reluctant at first and not sure that it would work for me. I also was pretty sceptical about this type of therapy in general but had a lot of trouble actually talking about my experiences. That being said, I've been doing somatic experiencing for several years now and believe that it's made a big difference in my ability to cope and process trauma.

 

[Chava]

As a former pro musician I assumed I was connected to my body. I understand my joints and movements very well, and have also used (overused) my body for hours upon hours a day. On some level I knew I was still wildly disconnected, but it does seem weird to understand how this disconnect can happen, yet you can be an athlete, musician, dancer...

For me, I suppose I was only "in" my body when playing music. But then it was even sort of a mind-over-matter experience. I was pushing myself too far and not feeling/noticing it. But it was definitely a safe way to use up a lot of adrenaline and range of feelings.

some of the practice in her office is exaggerated to the point where I feel silly. That self consciousness is part of what causes my freeze response, I suspect.

Not sure how it is for you, knowing the whole experience is subjective, but I warm up so slowly to simply having anyone pay attention to me. And my therapist is paying full attention to me. It's really freeing to know I can curl up or sit how I want and just be "me" (which in some little corner of her studio is not like the person most people see in the outside world). But I think just the attention on me makes it difficult sometimes.

Also, I'm super analytical. So somatic work was challenging at first (and still is, but in different ways...like I'm not questioning the work itself anymore). I had to understand it, but it really is so process-oriented and gets into subconscious and early patterns my logical brain was never going to present. So at some point I stopped trying to understand and analyze and just be more present with the experience. My therapist is pretty gentle and easy-going, which helps. She's curious and hesitates to assign meaning to any little movement, which also helps me. Like my hands shake a lot...and struggle to quit shaking without feeling "dead" (just limp, like someone hit the power button). That could mean a lot of things, but she helps me try to sort out what they might want to do.

I like Peter Levine's stuff but it doesn't really echo my SE experience with complex trauma. It is so individual. I liked Laurence Heller's book ("Healing Developmental Trauma") better than the Levine one (Tiger). Heller was SE trained but talks about a neuro-affective-relational model. For complex and early trauma that seems to make sense and probably fits most closely with how my therapy feels (focus on somatic experience but in connection to that neurological regulation/organization and also my capacity for connection/relationship within therapy, and also with myself). Not sure if this is helpful or a bunch of rambling...

 

[watundah]

Yes, I understand the musical/artistic/athletic body focus. But I can see, given more thought, how sometimes that focus is completely mental vs physical. Im glad you understand what I was saying there. And yes, being the center of attention can be quite difficult for me. I am seeing some progress in that I am no longer staring out the window and stare at a wall next to her instead. And Im focusing more on sitting up with my feet on the floor vs slouching like an old rag (I usually have to adjust this several times per session). It sounds kind of superfluous but those are big changes for me in being more present. It is helpful to know someone else has been dealing with this, too. Thanks and I will look for that book.