Swemoor
Bronze Member
My story starts long before this, it's hard and terrifying accept that I lived this, every time I remember it I burst into tears... and I am tired.
I started going to the psychiatrist because I had depression also I stopped eating and I felt so weak... and numb, everything was fine, but I was too sedated because of my medication, going to college was hard, I fell asleep everywhere, sometimes even in my classes...
My nightmare started then, being assaulted while sleeping, being too sedated that I couldn't do anything...
But that's not what hurts me the most...
My boyfriend back then blamed me kindly, telling that It was because the way I dressed up, that he lived something similar and no one helped him, that it was way worse for men...
of course I wanted to be supportive, wanted to help him, to let him know that he wasn't alone, ignoring the fact that I was assaulted while sleeping, that I was kissed against my will, that I was followed to my house...
I already felt disgusting and dirty, so I wanted to see everything as a joke but things got worse and worse when I noticed that I wasn't living, I was ignoring my feelings, pretending everything was a dream. I tried to smile...
I used to puke and wake up in the middle of the night screaming and crying...
After some time I didn't want any kind of physical contact, I didn't want to kiss or have sex, I kept on having sex with my boyfriend but not enjoying it...
my boyfriend seemed to understand when I told him but... he didn't.
He would still introduce his fingers inside my mouth, kiss me when I didn't want to, complain that I didn't want to make out or have sex...
And I got paranoid, thinking he was going to leave me because of that...
I told him that it was okay to try sex, but that we had to go slow and I wasn't going to do certain things, but still he made me do it, because 'it felt too good' ...
It seemed alright, everything seemed alright, I would justify him treating me like that, him making fun of me, somehow telling me that my career was useless, him blackmailing me to have sex, telling me things like 'you promised' or 'I disgust you' or 'you changed'
Once I left the subway with my skirt down, still feeling the hands of a stranger and I did nothing, because I got paralyzed...
And my relationship also got worse and worse, I used to puke everyday ... I was sure he was cheating, probably he wasn't, I think he wasn't, and he broke up with me, only to come back months after telling that he missed me, that without me he became addicted again and that he was really sad looking how happy I was, how easy I forgot him.
I even tried to kill myself, and that's something that I can't forget... and hurts, because my mother got depression after that, because everytime I remember my mother screaming and crying because of that I feel so stupid...
It also helps me to keep living no matter what.
I am trying to redo my life, I am better now, I am not ready to have a new relationship... but I try to take care of myself, not letting anyone abuse me again, my new medication doesn't make me fall asleep all day... I love my career...
But about two weeks ago I saw ... the man who touched me while sleeping, that followed me when I was too dizzy and tired, who kissed me by the force and tried to take advantage because he thought I was drunk...
I started feeling angry and then I cried, then I felt afraid ... I got paralyzed again...
Today I told my psychologist, I cried a lot, because seeing that man reminded me that the worst abuse I had wasn't from strangers, it was by the man who said loved me, who said that he would never hurt me or leave me alone...
I was obsessed with having him with me, I didn't trust him, and still I wanted him with me.
It was violence.
And I want to stop crying.
I also feel like I am victimizing myself, I made wrong things too... also I think this is not that big.
But I want this to be over.
I am sorry and thank you.
I started going to the psychiatrist because I had depression also I stopped eating and I felt so weak... and numb, everything was fine, but I was too sedated because of my medication, going to college was hard, I fell asleep everywhere, sometimes even in my classes...
My nightmare started then, being assaulted while sleeping, being too sedated that I couldn't do anything...
But that's not what hurts me the most...
My boyfriend back then blamed me kindly, telling that It was because the way I dressed up, that he lived something similar and no one helped him, that it was way worse for men...
of course I wanted to be supportive, wanted to help him, to let him know that he wasn't alone, ignoring the fact that I was assaulted while sleeping, that I was kissed against my will, that I was followed to my house...
I already felt disgusting and dirty, so I wanted to see everything as a joke but things got worse and worse when I noticed that I wasn't living, I was ignoring my feelings, pretending everything was a dream. I tried to smile...
I used to puke and wake up in the middle of the night screaming and crying...
After some time I didn't want any kind of physical contact, I didn't want to kiss or have sex, I kept on having sex with my boyfriend but not enjoying it...
my boyfriend seemed to understand when I told him but... he didn't.
He would still introduce his fingers inside my mouth, kiss me when I didn't want to, complain that I didn't want to make out or have sex...
And I got paranoid, thinking he was going to leave me because of that...
I told him that it was okay to try sex, but that we had to go slow and I wasn't going to do certain things, but still he made me do it, because 'it felt too good' ...
It seemed alright, everything seemed alright, I would justify him treating me like that, him making fun of me, somehow telling me that my career was useless, him blackmailing me to have sex, telling me things like 'you promised' or 'I disgust you' or 'you changed'
Once I left the subway with my skirt down, still feeling the hands of a stranger and I did nothing, because I got paralyzed...
And my relationship also got worse and worse, I used to puke everyday ... I was sure he was cheating, probably he wasn't, I think he wasn't, and he broke up with me, only to come back months after telling that he missed me, that without me he became addicted again and that he was really sad looking how happy I was, how easy I forgot him.
I even tried to kill myself, and that's something that I can't forget... and hurts, because my mother got depression after that, because everytime I remember my mother screaming and crying because of that I feel so stupid...
It also helps me to keep living no matter what.
I am trying to redo my life, I am better now, I am not ready to have a new relationship... but I try to take care of myself, not letting anyone abuse me again, my new medication doesn't make me fall asleep all day... I love my career...
But about two weeks ago I saw ... the man who touched me while sleeping, that followed me when I was too dizzy and tired, who kissed me by the force and tried to take advantage because he thought I was drunk...
I started feeling angry and then I cried, then I felt afraid ... I got paralyzed again...
Today I told my psychologist, I cried a lot, because seeing that man reminded me that the worst abuse I had wasn't from strangers, it was by the man who said loved me, who said that he would never hurt me or leave me alone...
I was obsessed with having him with me, I didn't trust him, and still I wanted him with me.
It was violence.
And I want to stop crying.
I also feel like I am victimizing myself, I made wrong things too... also I think this is not that big.
But I want this to be over.
I am sorry and thank you.
