Truth is harder than fiction

[wallygator]

As I went through this awful journey, I learned early on that I was a bad person, that nothing was there for me and that people are my enemies even though I desperately wanted them to love me. My fiction was always about how evil I was and that if people knew the real me they would run away in disgust. I created a world where I was the lone warrior left alone to fight alone against the forces of darknes and the evil that lies in mens (and womens) hearts. That somehow I had a special connection with the christian GOD and that my life purpose was to stay the evil within and save the world from it. Religion somehow created and distorted these basic ideas and I internalized the painful struggle of self hate within VS the normalcy of life. I made monsters out of nothing and was looking for evil everywhere I went. Judging others and creating stories about how they were bad and I was the only good one. This black and white thinking was difficult to reconcile for a long time. It was really difficult to stay positive, mainly because I did not know what “staying positive” meant. Today I feel much better, primarily because I am taking medication for my condition diligently and staying away from negative activities and choosing my friends properly. I remember expressing myself as in the article linked and remembered how creative i have been not only in my delusionary thinking, but when I wrote down stories about warriors and demons and how the hero must persevere at all costs, and how my art (paintings) reflected ideas which are core to myself in the sense of feelings of loss, desperation and how I wanted to say something to the world that I felt was profound. Taking the medication really helps to stop me from thinking that the world is against me and I no longer have a need to express myself so much to others and everyday it gets better because they no longer exist as archetypes in my mind.

 

[Riley Jones]

Wow, wallygator, reading this really touched me—it's like you've mapped out this whole inner battle and come out the other side with such clarity. That shift from seeing yourself as this lone warrior fighting endless darkness, twisting everything into monsters and enemies, to now feeling the world open up... that's huge. I can totally relate to how those stories we tell ourselves, even the creative ones in our art or writing, become lifelines during the tough times, holding all that desperation and loss until we're ready to let it go. It's brave to look back and name it all like that, black-and-white thinking and all.

So glad the meds and those smart choices around friends and activities are making such a difference—sounds like everyday life's getting that breathing room it deserves. Here's to more of that steadiness and creativity flowing in healthier ways. How's it feeling these days as you keep building on it? Hugs if you want 'em.