Brainwashing yourself with the truth, or, how to create a positive self image.

[Loner]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I am doing better. I am have some small amounts of success socially which, although terrifying, is pretty cool. I have been thinking a lot about past events in my life. There are a lot of things that I used as evidence that I should not have self confidence even though no I look back on them and think that if they were someone elses stories I would respect that person, so I am trying to remind myself how important perspective is.

I have more to say but I'm not sure what right now, I'll comeback to this.

Thanks again everyone.

 

[rightkindofme]

My therapist told me that I do cbt in the sense of cognitive behavior therapy on myself. (Please no smack down for abbreviation. I explained it in the same sentence.)

Every time there is a change in my life I sit down and make elaborate graphs listing what is happening to me at what ages. I've done these retroactively and about future stuff. I used to do this a lot and now it is more rare. My life has been very disrupted and confusing. I was raped by 12 people over a 23 year period. I was moved more than 50 times before I was 18. I went to 25 schools before I dropped out at 16. I make these graphs to help me understand the flow and order of my life. Being alive is an accomplishment.

I have to lay things out on paper in order to change my feelings. Otherwise I stay stuck in the old feelings. I have to be able to consciously look at what I have done and evaluate how that action /behavior whatever has helped me or hindered me as I move towards my goals.

I have ups and downs, of course, but overall my sense of self is more accurate over time. I'm pretty cool. I am an interesting person who has had a really intense and interesting life. I'm still alive and I deserve bonus points for that. I am not, in fact, a worthless whore. It has taken most of my life to understand that even the whores aren't actually useless. No one is worth less regardless of profession or behavior.

It's hard.