Need Support...

[chant2012]

Not having a good night. Just crying. So very sad.

I hate PTSD symptoms so much.

I hate how I feel like I mess everything up. I hate that I start freaking out during an innocent and playful time with my boyfriend. I hate that I start crying. I hate that I stress him out and hurt him. I hate that I smother him. I hate that he has to constantly take care of me thus getting burnt out himself. I hate that I'm so socially messed up and that I never know what to do or say or how to act. I hate my constant anxiety and fear over everything. I hate that I can only take care of others. I hate that the only way that I know how to do that is by hurting and sacrificing myself. I hate that I can't love myself. I hate that I have now taken on the abuser role, to myself. I hate that this is all so ingrained.

I have such a deep self-hate. In fact I've had it since I can remember. I mean, I remember being happy and care free as a child but I think I have always have had a deep sadness. I didn't even know it was there. I don't know why it's there. Reasons completely unknown to me.

But what I do know is that I've always been very mean to myself. I've always wanted to hurt myself. And I've always tortured myself in every meaning of the word. I've always done very messed up and perverted things (both internally in my imagination world and externally in real life). I used to do a lot of bad things with my toys and wanted to with other children. I've done this all since I can remember.

I was CONSTANTLY masturbating and began self-harming at a young age - single digits, unsure when it started (just really have no idea on age, it seems fuzzy) - I would bite myself viscously at times, hit myself, scratch myself, and pinch, pull, and twist my genitals.

I've always been "off". I always been different than other kids. I've always felt like an outsider.

I used to here voices. Had to have been younger than 4 (considering the house I was in during this memory). Anyway, lots of voices, some sounded like robots (or something not human anyway, emotionless perhaps, like Siri in a way) and some perhaps normal voices as well in this cacophony, all very mushed together (it sounded like I was in a gymnasium full of people all talking at once)... I was confused who they were but I was unafraid of them and was happy and comforted by their presence. After hearing them, I floated up in the air and out of bed down the stairs to the main floor and then down to the basement. I don't remember any more after this.

I have memories from every year of my life (that I am aware of age permitting). I know I have memories from every age. I remember my dad and I's hunting trips that we began taking when I was 4 or 5. I remember main events and vacations. I remember all my school years. I remember my grandparents' house. I remember church. I swear I remember everything. But I have that nagging feeling. A deep fear in the pit of my stomach. Something is buried behind a wall of nothingness.

When I think about it memories are the most clear ages 9+. But I DO have memories from younger years!!!! But it's weird, it doesn't seem like I have too many of living in the house with my parents and sister from ages 3 or 4 until 7 or so. I mean I have memories, but it just feels like something is amiss. I think I'm tripping myself out.

I'm not having a good night. Was crying a bit ago. All I WANT to do is harm self. I haven't c*t in so long. I now self-harm like I did as a child. I feel like it's "not as bad".

My ED is bad again.

I want to die.

I'm often in a crisis in my head.

I am forever feeling conflicted and confused and lost.

I was telling my BF, sometimes when I wake up I'm confused where I am and who he is and who I am. I just lay there hoping I can figure it out before he wakes up.

Sometimes I forget my name and I'm lost and I just smile and wait it out. Because I can tell the places around me are familiar and that I should know them. And I know it will pass. And I know panicking won't help and will draw attention to me.

I get scared. I feel like the continuity as far as memories go from day to day are relatively stable, that is until I have no idea what's happening.

 

[Bloomy]

Im so sorry to hear about how you feel and your story. I can relate. Just want to say Im hoping that by time you will find te way to sort things out and begin to heal. Take care.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

Not having a good night. Just crying. So very sad.

I hate PTSD symptoms so much.
I hate how I feel...

You are going through such a difficult time right now and not for the first time.
Personally I hate being Fear's bitch. I have been and still am sometimes. Sometimes I hate it so much I trade off and be Rage's bitch for a while. That just eventually makes me Guilt's blubbering bitch.

Keeping a journal close by to write in really does help. Writing and saying out loud how you are feeling without judgment. That is how you gain some self awareness, practice self acknowledging and validating. Most of the time we can't do anything right that moment about what's happening inside to us. All we can do is react or acknowledge, yes you are angry or scared and yes you know this leads to panic. Don't curse yourself, try and accept this "whatever IT is" You did not bring it on yourself and you certainly didn't deserve it.
Self hate is a sickness that only you can manage. I'm glad we have this place to come to and that you reached out for support.
There might have been a time when all your anger had to be turned towards your self. It might have been the only way to process feelings, you might not have completely understood but knew it was unsafe to express them.
Everything you are feeling and thinking has been learned. You need to unlearn it. You don't unlearn it by simply saying it doesn't exist. Fighting it and repeatedly seeking answers to questions that have no answers will take you deeper into the abyss.

Instead be good to yourself. You are going through normal changes to some abnormal experiences. It's okay to be different. Experience changes everyone. We just had too many too soon. That was not our choice.
Our choice is how far are we willing to go to manage this shit because there's no way around the work.

"I'm often in a crisis in my head"

This is a habit. It might even be an addiction. Not good, not even bad, though it brings bad feelings. Still it is a habit and habits can be changed.

You keep reaching out. Most of us can relate to what you are going through We understand sometimes you need comfort. That is beyond okay , it is healthy. It shows you want more from life. Many of us are uncomfortable asking for comfort, having learned we won't get it and it could bring more trouble
It might just be you don't have to remember every detail of it all but you do have to like yourself more. Develop self awareness. You don't have to have all the facts. Start with what you're feeling and say I've always deserved better. Now I will be better to me. I hope you are feeling better soon.l

 

[BlueOrange]

@chant2012 Thanks for that conversation we had in chat - was it slightly before you made this post? I don't know.

I thought I was there to help you, but in the process of trying to help you, I felt safe, and I was able to connect with myself more strongly.

I can relate to the self-hate. I tend to find it easier to forgive other people for being flawed than to forgive myself - the mirror is distorted. We have a lot in common - and we both have an ability to be good to others that is better than our ability to be good to ourselves.

Lately, I've been experimenting with pretending that I'm 'external to myself', in that I ask myself what I would do if it were someone else who was going through what I go through. What I would do for you (if I could, and knew how) would be to try to help you feel safe and comfortable. To recognize that 'safe and comfortable' is an extremely frightening way to feel, and to let you choose how much of it you could handle at any moment. To recognize that the parts that want to hurt you are motivated by something fierce and powerful that tries to be good, but doesn't always know how to do it.

And, if I was doing really well, I'd remember that people (including helpers) are fallible. They make mistakes, or they get tired, or they don't always show up when you need them. So I'd try to get you not to rely too heavily on me, or on anyone else for that matter. (This also goes for self-reliance.)