What The Hell Is This?

[Chava]

When my spasms and pain release I get like flooded with energy. I feel GOOD, not particularly stressed out, but nearly passed out today because I have inner zoomies so bad...it was like a gush of adrenaline, likely with pulse and blood sugar elevated (I know because these are too high when I've gone in to ER with similar symptoms and arrhythmia...they just wait for me to settle down). It sounds a bit bipolar, which I don't have, though I know I lean a bit to extremes and for me pain locks up my energy (so does starving or drinking, but I've moved beyond those and into chronic pain). Is this a panic thing or my body's crappy regulation at knowing how to "feel" when it doesn't hurt?

Any thoughts or connections? I haven't changed anything with diet or meds. Just took an extra muscle relaxant a couple days ago and kicked out spasms. Then WHOA everything cut loose. Damn it. I can't feel "good". Going low on sugar and nicotine.

 

[moonbeam]

When my spasms and pain release I get like flooded with energy.

Hmm I am not a doctor but if I had to make a barely educated guess I would say it sounds like something to do with endorphins.

If its bothering you then you should really discuss it with whatever doctor is in charge of your pain treatment. They will likely have a much better understanding of this stuff.

 

[Born to Run]

Hi Chava, trust your body. You feel good and that is to be trusted. Yes, your nervous system is dysregulated at first when this is released at such an intensity, I would trust that too. Just take it easy, don't overdo it. I do not think it is a panic thing. I can relate to it in different situations, and your body really knows what is the best for you. Of course you can feel good or at least better without pain. Keep us posted. Breathe well and take it slow.
(This is Born to Run; when I posted messages earlier this evening they were displayed under other people's names; good I don't have DID ;-))

 

[Friday]

In massage, when a muscle has been locked up tight for awhile and finally releases? It often triggers a sudden violent chemical cascade. Hullo orgasm. Well that was a bit embarrassing. Common, though.

 

[Chava]

@moonbeam yes, possibly some endorphins or other good chemicals I can't deal with. i'm seeing a new doctor for pain soon and am a little too embarrassed to bring this up because this part is too psysch-like. He'll just be able to give me tips on managing intensity of spasms so I don't have total pain meltdowns. Can't have too much pain, can't have too little...

@Born to Run thanks, I have a hard time being okay with feeling good. I WANT TO feel okay with feeling good. I felt good this morning then just sick by this afternoon. Now my back is locking up again which sadly feels a little less chaotic.

@FridayJones omg, it's not quite like that but yes, I've heard of the massage stuff and unlocking muscles (no more massages). Last time that actually happened after massage I wanted to kill myself. So, this is a BETTER form of panic, but it's definitely and energy rush my body doesn't tolerate well. My back is locking up again. There's just no middle ground. Tomorrow will probably be a little more painful and "normal". I need some of this tension and pain to feel okay...like that's my middle ground for now.

Also, I wanted to solve all the world's problems today. WTF. Definite regulatory challenges. But I don't want to destroy myself, so regulation is still a possibility for my future. :tup::woot::woot::woot::banghead::grumpy::woot:

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

I totally understand! I have Fibromyalgia with arthritis, and have had knots and spasms in my neck, shoulders and back just about all my adult life. I'm 58. I fell about a week ago and all my 'flare' areas have flared. I had a 20 minute massage today, and will have another in a couple days. What a difference it makes when those knots get worked out! It really does release toxins, AND endorphins, and that produces feeling good.

Quite a few years back, I was making really good progress in therapy and was feeling really good and energetic. I went in to see my T, and told him I thought maybe I was "bipolar". He said, "Don't get mad, but just think about this...is it possible that you are feeling...happy?" I thought about it for a moment, and said, "I think you are right! THIS is how HAPPY feels!" It had been SO many YEARS since I'd felt HAPPY, that I didn't recognize the feeling! WOW, that was an eye-opener!!! (I had lost a child to death, a husband to divorce, my son went to live with his dad, I lost my home (rental), and went to live with my parents, then lost my job), then my health to viral meningitis. A 2 year breakdown basically! I totally lost all my 'good' feelings for a LONG time. It can really feel weird when they come back!

Enjoy your good times, and realize that there are ups and downs in ALL of us, and sometimes we feel them more profoundly than in other times.

Blessings to you!
AKJ

 

[Chava]

Thank you @AngelkeeperJ/AKJ ..."happy" definitely creeps me out!!! :notworthy: I think the near black-out made me feel very screwed up though...like spiking pulse and blood sugar are not people's happy symptoms (but doesn't feel like typical panic either). Just TOO many chemicals, toxins, or whatever, good-bad-or-otherwise. Hopefully I'm flushing this out somehow so I don't just crash soon but can feel "okay" and a little bit happy. Just a little!!! Back is locking up again because I can't handle whatever this is.

 

[Hope4Now]

Definite regulatory challenges.

I have inner zoomies so bad...it was like a gush of adrenaline,

I get this. I've had panic attacks in the past...the inner zoomies and wanting to solve the world's problems are different. At least for me. (BTW...I love the description "inner zoomies." Perfect!)

I rarely get relief from some level of pain because I do not take any pain meds...but now and again, the pain lessens significantly for short periods of time, and the zoomies come. I'm learning to recognize these extremes and what they feel like inside (from the curl in a ball/shut down to save the world NOW). I do not have bi-polar. I used to get some extremes like this even before the chronic pain hit.

The crux for me is the thought processes that get linked to the physical experiences. As in, what meaning do I assign to these sensations. So, now I try to "talk" to the sensations...tell them I know they're extreme...ask them what's going on/what do they want me to understand. Sounds crazy, but it does help sometimes. It is the way I learned to manage my panic attacks about a decade ago. Like, now that I know what it feels like, I can talk to myself and I don't have to get so freaked out. I know it will pass and that I just need to breathe through it.

 

[Chava]

the pain lessens significantly for short periods of time, and the zoomies come. I'm learning to recognize these extremes and what they feel like inside (from the curl in a ball/shut down to save the world NOW).

This sounds like how it goes for me. Then zoomies lead to panic (like bad, I'm-going-to-die panic or good, I-will-save-everything, after I breathe through this semi-blackout).

I don't have thought processes attached that I'm too aware of. But this morning I felt good, we got a lot done in an early meeting, and I could just tell I was back into turbo-charged. I have so few pain-free days....I don't know how to NOT overdo them. I felt so sick after lunch. Probably over-heated without recognizing. That's part of it too, not recognizing normal cues. It was warmer at work but I couldn't tell...I just started overheating and didn't realize I was too warm until I nearly passed out. Anyway, there's a connection I can't totally sort out. But I do think I am closer to middle ground, which is a little pain....and eventually I'd like middle ground to be....pain free and just okay.

 

[Chava]

p.s. has anyone sensed a "freeze" and coming out of it into crazy adrenaline fight-flight (I'm going to fix every f*cked up thing today!! And smoke and eat simultaneously so I have more time to be creative!!!!). It feels like a freeze melting and flooding my body. And I do know that the situation in my back is a trauma-related freeze situation....think fetal position protective posture. I even manage to carry that upright and it's exhausting. Today I was holding myself up more like a normal person but it was not like my body. Too much energy and chaos.

I have to loosen these locked muscles or thaw the freeze slowly....just hard to figure out what that is because pain keeps increasing if I don't do anything.

My lungs weren't developed when I was born. They collapsed later. All the air seeped into my upper back. Eventually we had to beat out the scar tissue. My mom was a hitter and she broke a door against my back. I also hid in curled up little postures in boxes in closets. I also suspect the curled up in a tiny ball posture is protection against worse abuse. All day I am curled up. The day my muscles relax and let me stand up straight...I nearly black out.

 

[Born to Run]

Yes, I have. How you go into freeze as a child is how you come out of freeze. It is the emotional aroused state that became too much for your system to handle and led to the freeze. I relate to your fetal position protection as I have been going through that one a few months ago. I was in a breech position, I suppose you too? as this is the position in which you try to protect yourself. I had severe cramps and pain in my legs for several weeks during the night and my legs would always go in the identical freeze position. I also had problems keeping upright during the day, it was all too much. Now the cramps and pain have gone and so has the position during the night. It is true that I also had the pain increasing if I kept in this position, so out of bed was better, but then I could hardly keep standing.
I have also spent numerous times in cardboard boxes as a child to hide from my mother. She is an emotional terrorist, borderline, undiagnosed. During therapy I have not been able to sit in a chair like other people would do, like lean back and use the support of the chair. No, I always sit at the tip of the chair all bent together ready to run, hence Born to Run ;-) It is protection against that terrorist, but also all the rage I want to keep locked inside. At home I can and do sit in a chair normally, but then I am alone with my animals.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Hey, Chava!
I have never heard anyone else talk about their back 'locking up' like mine before. Even though it is a terrible feeling, it's nice to know that I am not the only one. Sometimes, my head feels SO heavy, and I just have to lie down for awhile to take the stress off.

In therapy, if we get close to a subject that is stressful, I start squirming, because my neck and back start to 'lock up'. If someone has never felt this, it is hard to explain. I get leg cramps, too. I'm not sure if my muscles ever TRULY relax.

I also remember curling up into fetal position during my childhood...not to protect from hitting, at least not that I remember, but to feel safe.
At least, at home, you can sit normally, and get real rest.

I used to 'smoke and eat', but don't smoke anymore. Luckily, my Dr. believes in treating physical pain so that I can maintain good quality of life. When I quit smoking, she increased my pain meds, since smoking does help pain.

Take GOOD care of YOU, you DESERVE it!!!
AKJ