Feels Too Big....

[mrsmegan]

I had a really good session today - I felt like I did a pretty good job staying present, being honest in how I am feeling, and I started talking about things that I really don't want to talk about. They are hard and bring up a lot of feelings of shame and feeling dirty.

I always get teary - and I really do want to just cry - but it just feels too big. Too much.

I told my T that I can't let it out because I don't know how I would ever get it back in - his response was that he wants me to leave it out, not to keep it in, but give it to him, so he can help me deal with it. (I love my T) It just feels like if I really let it out, I would cry forever. It would destroy me.

Any words of wisdom....

 

[Mytime]

It's always scary letting it out, because of fear. But there is a freedom that comes with letting it out. Less inner fight, a feeling of being heard,seen if that makes sense. Cry, release your pain, it's why we have tears. Wishing you the best:)

 

[watundah]

Write about it. It's a great release valve. Or just give him chunks at a time. No reason to tear the lid off if you aren't comfortable. Baby steps.

 

[Silent one]

What is your definition of destroy?
How would it destroy you? Just wondering.

 

[mrsmegan]

What is your definition of destroy?
How would it destroy you?

Good question....I don't know?

I mean, I know it is totally irrational, but it's like - if I let it all out, then it is out and I can't hide it and it feels awful and terrible. I can no longer deny it's truth and I need to face reality. If it is out and I have to face it - it's like a big black monster that will crush me under it's weight and I won't be able to cope well. I will be triggered even more than I am. I will be anxious and depressed - even more than I am. My suicidal thoughts will get worse....

What happened was terrible. What happened makes me feel dirty and ashamed. I'm afraid to let it out - and then feel totally vulnerable - and I am afraid of what happens next. I know, rationally, what happens next is that my T listens, with no judgement, and he cares and we slowly work through it. But this fear inside me is big.

 

[Silent one]

I completely understand what you are saying and where you are at in your recovery process. I only asked you what your definition of destroy was because I said the same thing! That letting myself cry, and letting it all out would cause me to destruct and retreat further away. My T asked me to define what I meant by destruction. Like what would destruction look like or feel like to me. I struggle to let my emotions show because I feel I will have a complete meltdown. I am with you on this one, but it is something to think about.

 

[mrsmegan]

Thanks @Silent one

 

[Tinyflame]

feels like if I really let it out, I would cry forever

Yep. Me too.

 

[Rumors]

Very same thing for me... Letting it out might mean it is too overwhelming for my therapist and he tells me to go away. As well, the shame and guilt of what happened keeps me from being 100% honest about how it effects me. I have to keep something in reserve bc otherwise it may be too much. Crying feels petty and creates more shame. Letting someone else see me cry feels absurd. I feel ridiculous and small. Knowing what emotion is appropriate is never ending.....

 

[sun seeker]

his response was that he wants me to leave it out, not to keep it in, but give it to him, so he can help me deal with it

I am actually a little concerned about this. What is your therapist's area of specialty? Is he trained in trauma therapy? When telling our trauma stories, it is important to only deal with a manageable chunk at a time and do lots of resourcing - connecting with a feeling of safety somewhere in your body, with a memory of a time you felt safe, or with the present moment. Otherwise, you can be flooded and destabilized instead of actually processing the memory. There needs to be lots of going back and forth between the trauma and the resource. Letting everything out all at once can indeed be too much. I like that he is saying he will help you deal with it, but have you talked about how to make sure you are safe in the process?

 

[mrsmegan]

@sun seeker thank you for your concern. There was, obviously, a lot of context missing from our conversation. He was not saying I should let it all out at one time, he was more challenging my thought that I can't let any if it out, that I have to hold it in forever.

I really do appreciate you asking the question!

 

[blaze]

It's like ripping a bandage off it's gonna hurt, the wound will be exposed but that's the first step towards healing