Need Someone to Listen - Am I Crazy

[2notbedefeated]

I don't know where to start.

I don't know what to do. Everything seems so confusing and overwhelming to me right now. I can't seem to get things under control with myself, my kids, and my husband. My life feels so out of control, like a spinning cyclone of destruction.

I feel like:
"Humpty Dumpty who sat on the wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall, all the Kings horses and all the Kings men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again."

I feel akward and embarrassed trying to learn my way around this forum. I am not real savy in this area. It's taken me almost a week to figure out how to maneuver around this forum. My concentration has really been bad lately.

I am scared to say that I am so afraid of being laughed at or ignored. I feel so misunderstood. I am desperate for someone to validate my feelings and to know I'm not going to lose my mind in the midst of the chaos and confusion going on in my thoughts, feelings, and in my home.

I am married (16 years) and have 2 children. I don't know where to begin in order to share my story. I feel like I have all this pressure inside me and I am just going to explode and shatter into a million little pieces that I don't know I will be able to put back together again.

I am trying very hard not to let all this stuff defeat me:

Didn't realize until this past September that I had PTSD. I began having symptoms of PTSD in college, and got worse after my Mother's death 14 years ago on Dec. 17.

I didn't know that's what my "fits" or "episodes" were. It was weriod, I'd have an "episode" and then recover, get up and go about my life as if it had never happened (whatever that was, cause I didn't know what it was) If it sounds confusing it's because I am in a pool of confusion right now. I don't know what's what, sooooo frustrating.

Anyway, after mom's death from pancreatic cancer, I somehow began to "lose it" for lack of a better word. I developed depression, anorexia and purged through 8 hours of exercise a day. Later I began to self-injure.

The therapist I was seeing for the ED said she felt I was certainly trying hard to run away from some hidden trauma in order to be doing all the things I was to cope. I was hospitalized once for a meager attempt of sucide. One therapist thought I had dissociative identity disorder (MPD) which I didn't, it was a misdiagnosis and it was really the PTSD.

There was suspicion that I had been sexually abused, but I had no real memories of it then. As if the "craziness" of my life and episodes wasn't enough to convince me that "something was up."

I always had horrific dreams and fantasies I'm to embarrassed to admit and share right now. When my father died of lung cancer we moved and I hoped to have a "new life" and "stuff" followed me where ever I went. Ugh!! Haunted, haunted, haunted.

We were having a hard time as a family. Kids were getting older (9 and 10) and more out of control and I was not doing too well parenting. My son is ADHD so we took him and the family for counseling to help us all learn how to manage his behavior outbursts and such.

Well, my son's therapist, after meeting him a few times, sensed that there was some connection between my son's anxiety and me. To make a long story short, He saw me individually a few times and I actually had a PTSD episode in his office over something he said and the way he said. The gesture, tone, and volume over something we were talking about triggered me. I am so sensitive and have my feelers out when it comes any sense of "danger".

I then began to have a flooding of sexual abuse images, sounds, and memories soon after that. It's been about 4 months that I have been uncovering and remember stuff that is so horrific and scarey to me. I still can't believe what I am remembering. I feel like I'm in this horrible nightmare and can't wake up.

So far I have remember that I was molested by a pedophile in the neighborhood for almost 2 years (my ages thought to be 5-7). He was not only sexually abusive, but physically, and emotionally. He really tried to brainwash and destory my mind. He purposefully inflicted pain on me and I was told to thank him even for the times when he would burn and inflict pain on me. Okay that's as far as I can handle sharing right now.

I also had two other times when I was molested, once by a babysitter and the other by a janitor while in kindergarten.

I just can't believe this happened to me. There is absolutely no words that can describe what I am feeling. It's beyond words at this point. This whole thing is so confusing and I feel I am just going to go crazy.

I have such self-hatred. The agitation and panic are beyond description and I have many times just gone into a fit of screaming, wailing for an hour, hittng myself, pulling my hair, throwing things, and injuring myself, etc. just because I don't know what to do with whatever the heck it is I'm feeling at that moment. I feel like I am going to explode with intense emotions that I can't identify. Am I crazy? I know it sounds crazy to me. I don't understand it all. Will I survive this?

I hope this desription is okay. I'm afraid that my situation is so "intense" that no one will stand with me in the midst of my fear and pain. I'm constantly challenging my therapist to see if he can handle me and if he can be trusted. I becoming very aware that I have major trust and control issues.

This is all so overwhelming for me and I am just afraid that it will overwhelm others and they will abandon me, and than no one will be able to help me to regain some sanity and peace in my life again. My fear is that I will be left alone in all this intense pain, fear, and haunting memories.

Thanks for listening to my story.

 

[Kunoichi]

2notbedefeated,

you are certainly not alone. *hugs* welcome to the forum and welcome to a world of nonjudgemental (as Mercy says :) )

See you in hte threads :)

 

[Tinyflame]

Welcome 2notbedefeated,

You are not crazy. Keep reading through the Forum and I believe you will find tremendous relevant information to help you make sense of this.

It doesn't feel like it now but you have an inner strength to be found, just as the name you chose suggests, and there are many people here who can identify with you and will support and encourage you through it.

Peace to you. :hello:

 

[cragger65]

Hi there,

I can relate to the screaming fits, and self abuse in spades. I have been punching myself in the head, on and off, since I was about 11. It finally happened in front of my current therapist one day when I felt (for about the 100th time) that the jig was up.

Your image of Humpty Dumpty - my exact words to a friend, and then I broke down crying. I felt so pathetic and lost. But I didn't give up, I focused on learning how to calm myself, and it's taken a lot of time and practice, but it's better now. I know it must sound so lame to you right now, but taking slow deep breaths when things start to spin is still one of my number one defenses.

Please know that you're not "crazy", just overwhelmed. As it says in the learning section here on the site, PTSD is a normal reaction to an abnormal amount of stress and trauma. Burying the memories of the abuse is also so common, it's basically par for the course. As shitty as it is, what's happening inside of you is predictable, and in its way, right on schedule.

The only way I found to manage that stage is one day, one hour at a time. Try to roll with it if that makes any sense to you.

All the best, I think you've found the right place.

Dave


PS. What you've written here isn't confusing or irrational at all, I found your post perfectly clear to read. Just so you know how you come across.

 

[patientsuccess]

They just took me off moderation today, and boy am I so appreciative and thankful. I want to support all of you on your journey to wholeness, freedom..

Thanks all of you for the replies. The support group my area wont let me into the support group because they feel I'm not ready because there is some "flooding" of memories, but it has finally this past week slow down some. For awhile now its been less new memories, but beginnging to be aware of the ones I know, but with more detail, Yuck,

It;t late and I got kiddies to get up bright and earlier and If I don't keep adecent amount of "zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz" in order to be a halfway patient and pleasant mom in the morning.

 

[tude]

Welcome 2Not.

Well... if I said you were crazy, then I would be too. I could too easily relate to your post. This week, I too thought to myself, "this is like being unable to wake up from a nightmare, which is crazy because I'm not asleep!" Since I don't have the guts to readily admit to anyone why I feel like I am losing my mind, I am glad you have the courage. Thank you, I feel less like a nut.

-tude

 

[Mercy]

I hope this desription is okay. I'm afraid that my situation is so "intense" that no one will stand with me in the midst of my fear and pain....

This is all so overwhelming for me and I am just afraid that it will overwhelm others and they will abandon me, and than no one will be able to help me to regain some sanity and peace in my life again. My fear is that I will be left alone in all this intense pain, fear, and haunting memories.

Thanks for listening to my story.

Dear 2notbedefeated,

Here on this forum, you will not be left alone with your intense pain, fear, and haunting memories.

I know you feel overwhelmed but as a listener to your pain, it doesn't overwhelm me. You see, you are inside your overwhelming and chaotic place. Your listeners are not. I used to think the same way-if I let any of the horror or pain out, I felt I would harming people. It took time and experience, but I learned that people respond with their minds and hearts to your suffering and don't get overwhelmed.

Welcome :hello:

 

[morgan]

Welcome to the forum 2! You are definitely not alone here. We have all been where you're at and are all too familiar with your pain. We will listen and respond. Don't be afraid to let it all out. It really does help. Writing is a very good tool to start out with. There is a section here called trauma diaries. When you are ready, you can start one and get all your traumas to the surface and as you read and re-read it, it will become less intense. It's a form of exposure therapy and many of us here have done it and gotten great results.

Take your time though and wait until you are ready. Meanwhile read around the forum and you will find many here with the same issues as you have. We are all here for each other so it is a great place for support. I myself have come a long way from where I was at last year at this time so I can honestly say it does work. You can do it too if you just utilize the tools we offer here.

Best wishes to you, Morgan:Hug_emoticon:

 

[upsidedowntopsyturvy]

I'll stand with you

I'm new here, too. I know how you feel about feeling like nobody will stand with you. I feel that way in real life.
I can't give you advice. I have to find a way to help myself so I'd be no good at helping anyone else, but I CAN tell you you are NOT alone.
You're NOT crazy. It absolutely wasn't your fault.
::hugs::
Teresa

 

[2notbedefeated]

Thanks all of you! I will respond when i get the chance. My kids just walked in the door. They had early dismissal from school due the heavy snow coming down right now. There 9 and 10 snow they are excitely - but me, well, I'm not sure, I guess I can try to let their excitement rub off on me. The snow is pretty and were supposed to have up to six inches. I guess we may have a white Christmas this year.

Thing is, I feel like it is outside - cold, dead, empty, oh so empty. I had therapy today and all I could feel was "nothing" absolutely nothing, empty...Ugh, I had that. I feel like the "me" has disappeared. I feel I have gone into hiding. I've turned into nothingness.

I fell like a walking zombie or something. All the activity of Christmas justs seems to intensify my detachment and emptiness. I feel so disconnected from life around me.

This is embarrassing to admit - I am 45 years old. and sometimes I retreat and actually hide in my closet behind all my clothes. It feels safe and comforting to have clothes around me. Also, my cat, Java, actually has PTSD as well. No, I'm not kidding. I share more on this story later. Once in a while we both share this time together in the closet.

Kids are home so I gotta go for now. I'm so glad to be here with all of you. It soooo helps.

Take care and be kind to yourself - I know that one is hard to do.

 

[catjudo]

You need not be embarrassed that you retreat to your closet. I haven't done that in a long time but there was a time when I slept almost every night on the floor of my closet. I know there are others here who either do or have used their closets as safe havens.

 

[cuddleme1]

I know how you feel. I guess I should consider myself lucky because I was diagnoised quickly when it got real bad because I kept ending up in the hospital for drinking myself to death. It was also the only way to stop the nightmares. Now that I know what it is I am on meds and I have found one thing that works: comedy. When my nightmares from the night before start to haunt my awake life, I have certain funny/stupid things I think about. We have to restructure our thought patterns.

I lost a baby after a bad car accident in an 2001 police intercepter I got in memory of my grandpa (he loved the show Cops) who passed away in march of 2008. The airbag was not put back in correctly and I was scalped-literally. My nightmares are watching people get murdered and not being able to stop it. Yours are probably repressed memorys. You know what I have to say to that? GOOD! Write then down when you get up. Put the puzzle called your past together!

Much love and understanding!