Yet Another Night Of Pain And Anger

[Navalskimo]

I don't know what to do. I only know not to give up. I pray for and imagine my death all the time. In the military I prayed each night for a stray bullet to ricochet and hit me. Now I pray for a blood clot or anything to end the endless racing in my mind of the abuse, regret and any other negative thing that has ever happened. I have come to the conclusion that no one can understand my agony. So I stick to the military code of fake it till you make it. I honestly don't care about myself and that scares the hell out of me. I only force myself to make it another day so I don't hurt my family, but by living I also seem to cause them grief by not really being there mentally. So each day things are getting harder and harder. I am getting tired of the game. I am stubborn enough to stand my ground, but I fear that one day I will feel that I would be helping everyone around me by just checking out. Sorry if this has come across as some sort of woe is me thing. I just needed to actually put my feelings out in the open and vent my frustrations.

 

[ladee]

I have 'heard' you @Navalskimo , and believe it or not, I do understand how you feel. I do. Been there so many times. I know the feeling of 'no hope for change', and the internal battle of giving up and trying to hang on... I would try to 'hang on' for others. Because there was no 'me' left to hang on for.
I hope you have a therapist. Someone who will listen, and guide you back into a place that you can get a tiny foothold. I hate this for you. Because I know that feeling of 'who the hell cares', and knowing the only one who could dig me out was me. Never been so scared and lonely in my life.
This is not bullshit here, because I have no agenda to lie to you, but it does get different... if not better, at least for awhile. This is hard, finding yourself amidst the debris... but you are here. Expressing your feelings, and I cherish and honor the risk you took.
Please keep telling us how you feel. You matter, what you feel and think, matters.
I am glad you are here, not glad for the reasons...
Sending you healing energy, to put one foot in front of the other... tiny steps out of the place you are in.
Thank you for reminding me of how damned hard it is sometimes.
Sending gentle hugs to you, if you are not ready for those hugs, put them on the shelf, and take one down as you need it.... praying for you. It does get better. You will get better.

 

[Navalskimo]

I have 'heard' you @Navalskimo , and believe it or not, I do understand how you feel....

Thank you very much for the kind words, Ladee. I'm sorry that you had to go through what I'm going through. I live in the middle of nowhere in Washington state. The only therapist near me is on an Indian Reservation, and they turned me down, because they don't deal with PTSD. I am the kind of person that refuses to lose though. I'm not much of a hugger, but I definitely will use a couple. I do have a lifeline with the tribal police. If I start to feel like I am really ready to call it quits I would like to think I will call them to take me to the nearest hospital. Thanks again for the pat on the shoulder and prayers.

 

[ladee]

And coming here as often as you need or want will help also... Please use the community to help you on your healing journey... and you do sound determined... that is a lot of the battle right there... for us to say to our self...ya, things are bad, but I can reach out... I can let someone know what is going on... we are here for you... so hopefully you won't have to use that number, but happy you have it, just in case... so hope to see you around.... you matter here !!!

 

[Adrian2016]

Scary how much I can relate to this...uncanny...stay strong...you are not alone