Asshole

[Fadeaway]

I had bad nightmares last night, I even got up took more prazosin, but they still kept coming through. When I woke up for good, I was hyper-sensitive to noise.
He never comes over to my area where my desk was, but because I was asking for quiet and that I was trying to keep myself calm, he walked over behind me, hit the wall to smash a bug. He could have left it, he normally would have left it.

So when I broke down from being triggered really bad from hit hitting the wall, I tried to get him to comfort me, but he always acts like it is the worse thing in the world. I begged him to please not hug me rough and to act like he wanted to, calm and gentle. I just so desperately want to be comforted for the first time in my life because someone actually wants too. I have never received that. EVER. Online, yes. in person, no. I don't think I would crave it that bad had I ever received it as a child.

Anyways I kind fo got fixated on asking him to act like he actually wanted to comfort me instead of mad and rough, and not say, "Lines, my lines, Miss Director." And I guess by asking him to stop rolling or closing his eyes and sound mad, I irritated him, I just f*ck, I just crave it so much, wanting to know what it's like to be held and comforted because someone actually WANTS to. and I guess I get to this point I am desperate to pretend.

But then he kept saying next time I had nightmares he was going to take me to the E.R. Now I am really scared.

What is so wrong with me that my entire life I have never been genuinely comforted? I was left to cry it out as a baby. My grandmother hated physical contact with me, teachers never would, but they would hug the rich kids who weren't there on a scholarship.

The weird thing is when I was a kid, I used to study the behaviors of other kids to figure out how they would get comforted. They would skin their knee and such, but if I did, I would get in trouble.

It wouldn't be so bad he wouldn't swear to me he would comfort me when I am calm, but change his mind when I need it.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

:hug:

 

[Stickler]

It's him.
I dunno WHY he is like that.
He's been passive-aggressive for a while now, so chances are he's pissed about something and won't be telling you what it is because you should just know or some shit.

Maybe it's that he does not feel ok asking for attention and so emotionally abuses you for asking for it?
He needs to jolly well learn to communicate.

The saying he WILL help then not is part of the passive aggression, part of the mindgame. He won't.

I think he just resents responsibility, but doesn't want to openly reject it?

 

[EveHarrington]

There's nothing wrong with you.

Nothing at all.

I can't help but feel that you're caught up in reliving the past; choosing a partner who continues the horrible acts done to you as a child because we tend to find comfort in what we know, even if it's damaging, even if it could destroy us.

But------we can't "win" this way. We can't win by choosing people just like our abusers, changing them, and saying "hooray, I've won, I've changed the person who wouldn't comfort me into one that will."

It's not easy, I know. :hug:

 

[Deleted member 20280]

:hug:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I def know how its like to want so bad to be held but to be with someone that refuses to. My ex would "get his and get off" and id curl up in the smallest corner of our king sized bed and he would be snoring on his side, never would he touch me (unless he wanted sex), hold me, hug me, put an arm around me or anything and if i tried to hold him he would push me away.

I do hate relationships! Its lonely single but at least theres no extra person to please!

Im sorry that he's an ass! Id hold you! Hope that doesnt sound weird. When i was 18 i had a best friend that was old enough to be my mom and we were house sitting this huge house with like 8 bedrooms once and i was terrified of the dark (still am) and id wake up screaming and so she had me climb into the bed with her and she'd just hold me. Closest to a mom i ever had. I used to get migranes a lot and she would make me talk about horses and what kind and what would it look like and its stall etc and after a while id be asleep. The horse drawing i did was for her for this reason. So consider this me virtually holding you! :hug:

 

[shimmerz]

And I guess by asking him to stop rolling or closing his eyes and sound mad, I irritated him, I

I used to have people like this is my life. If I said 'No' they would go out of their way to make sure I got exactly what I didn't want, or didn't get exactly what I wanted. I didn't see it before, but I do now. I wonder if he would be the type who if you said, 'don't touch me', would be hugging up a storm. I don't understand that type, if he is one, or how I used to get caught up in it. I suspect it was because I was playing a re-enactment thing where I get to talk someone into being nice to me because I was trying to prove to myself that I was worth it.

I don't know if this is just one thing he does or if it is a common theme. I wish you all the love in the world, Fadeaway. :hug:

 

[Fadeaway]

@Stickler , it could be. 2 nights ago we got into a fight solely based on his interpretations of what I said. Condensed version went like this.

Him~ I need your help.

Me~ I don't understand what you are doing

Him~ So I am doing it wrong

Me~ No! I didn't say that, I just meant I don't understand what you are doing, exactly what my words said.

Him~ So why did you say I was doing it wrong?

Me ~ I didn't, please don't put words in my mouth. I was being veyr direct.

Him~ Feel you were saying I did it wrong.

Spent the rest of the night trying to tell him i never said he was doing it wrong.

 

[Stickler]

http://psychcentral.com/lib/dealing-with-a-passive-aggressive-partner/

Just for the criterion. I doubt dealing with serious cases of this is possible, long-term...

BTW, what he did in that last post was an attempt at gaslighting.

...Which then spiraled into a VERY ridiculous argument worthy of my ex-guy...he put words in my mouth like that...

 

[Stickler]

Regarding the reason he would not comfort you?

The whole point of what he was doing was to punish you for asking him to be quiet.
He views your requests as " telling him what to do."
He feels bossed around, so he will actually do the opposite of what you request him to do in a deniable enough way that if you confront him he'll deny it...mainly to himself because he's actually fairly transparent. He's engaging in a little intra-personal terrorism, because he needs to show you you don't get to boss him around.
He does not experience your requests as requests.
He thinks of them as ORDERS to be rebelled against...like a hostile teenager rebelling against a parent.

He WANTED to upset the hell out of you.
So of course he wasn't going to comfort you.
You made more requests and it just angered him further...
Thus he pulled out an ACTUAL threat of taking you to the ER if you had another nightmare.
Which is a stupid threat...see...

...If he really did that...you would ask to speak to a nurse in private.
You would tell them he brought you to the ER, against your will, for having a nightmare, and that you neither needed nor wanted to be treated for anything.
You would tell them that him bringing you to the ER was an act of psychological abuse.
That's what you'd do.
It would be.

You see, he is being psychologically abusive, hon.

So until you get out, asking him for stuff ought to be kept to a minimum. It'll backfire. You have got to self-soothe and get away from him if upset.

...Earplugs, noise-canceling headphones if you can? Stuffed animal? Anything you can do to self comfort? Time with the ferrets? Sitting outside? Meditation if you can?

:hug:

 

[Kailani]

Hugs to you!

 

[Fadeaway]

@Stickler, from my perspective that is exactly what went down. I just get nervous about earplugs because my ferret cost us $1,500 for surgery after she ate one.