Asshole

[Sandstone]

I was thinking about you last night, and hoping you had found some peace. I'm sorry to hear that it hasn't happened yet. You deserve more.

 

[EveHarrington]

Wow, @Stickler sounds pretty insightful! (I think she's got great advice! :))

 

[Fadeaway]

I feel like my heart is breaking. That unbearable type of ache.

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug:

 

[Stickler]

I feel like my heart is breaking.

This part is the awful bit. :(

 

[stillstanding2]

I feel like my heart is breaking. That unbearable type of ache.

Fadeaway, I clicked that I like this, but that just means I've read it.

No one deserves to feel that ache. I haven't read this whole thread, but you sound so much like my daughter, whose marriage is so sad. She doesn't tell me much, knowing that I can be very outraged about her pain. But as her Daddy, I know by her voice and expression when her heart aches. I try to hug her, even over the phone, and I know she needs it so much more from her husband.

But just know that an old man somewhere would hug and hold you kindly if he could, let you cry quietly, and give you his bandana to wipe your eyes.

 

[katz]

Regarding the reason he would not comfort you?

The whole point of what he was doing was to punish you...

Stickler, I have heard about this "gas lighting" that you mentioned. I often have to ask my husband to lower his voice. I don't tell him to shut up, just lower his voice. Then I tell him that it is so I can listen to him. I let him know that I want to hear what he has to say. He just has to speak quieter. The answer he gives me is that "he can't. He "just has a loud voice". I often ask him if he is in control of his voice, he then tells me that I should not have married him if I didn't like his voice.

When we got married, almost 10 years ago, my PTSD had not shown it "ugly face" yet. Do you think that it is a reasonable request? I really do want to listen to him, just not loudly. This seems like a very reasonable request to ask your spouse.

Any thoughts?

 

[Stickler]

I personally think so? You might want to make a separate thread...
My ex-wife could not accept not getting up in my face and shouting, but she was a low-level emotional abuser.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Oh, fade I'm so sorry for you... :'(

The thought of you desperate for comfort and your husband withholding it literally makes me feel sick inside. You never did anything to deserve this neglect. You deserve so much better. :hug:

 

[Galwaybay]

Hello, I have had the exact same experience and it is damage from childhood. Its called your attachment style. Your hubby sounds like he is a dissmissive attachment and you maybe anxious attachment style. If you google both, sadly both are created by attachments to our caregivers as children, and the lack of or how we were treated. In a nutshell dissmissives freak and cant show compassion, they freeze up, become cruel and distancing. You think you are more mental and needy, but these individuals can't show tenderness they were never taught. How we were treated by our caregivers as infants or lack thereof can dictate how we choose later on. Sick and sad we pick and are drawn to our opposite needs.

 

[Galwaybay]

I spent years with a man with dissmissive attachment style who got irritated with my extreme startle reaction, sensitivity to loud noises and my grief. His response, take another prozac. Makes sense he was a dissmissive cause his abuse as a child was cold abandonment. Mine is anxious and our dance was I need comfort, you are too needy see a shrink. Google attachments, it's the number one reason for divorce.

 

[Fadeaway]

The thing is, my husband and I were practically best friends for nearly 2 years before we entered into a romantic relationship. Even into the 1st year of our marriage he was very very supportive.

My husband had over protective parents who held him to exceptionally high standards in school and everything else. I do know he was expected to be the "golden child." He was expected to be a Dr. and due to an accident, he wasn't able to complete medical school.

When it comes to valuing himself, he only judges himself by how much money is in the bank. We are incredibly poor right which is ok with me, I have never been a matrialistc person. I grew up in worse situations. But his thing is that no matter how much I try to show him differently he judges how much other people care about him, based on how successful he is.