Intentions & Assumptions When Replying To Posts

[EveHarrington]

I feel like I've been put through the ringer because I made a request for my own thread with a very sensitive topic to stay on topic as I felt like my own voice was getting drowned out repeatedly-----and the backlash was not pretty.

I am here to get help just as everyone else is.

I see an unfortunate pattern on the boards. I'm not pointing fingers at anyone. Rather I am making this post to urge others to stop and think before you reply to a thread in which you could be possibly taking attention and focus off of the main topic or the original poster.

Yes, some threads are more general discussions that can meander around. Other threads are cries for help or centered on a specific issue that the OP has------it is these types of threads that I'm mainly concerned about.

I understand that people have good intentions of helping, but is dominating someone else's thread, going off topic, or having side conversations------where the OP is asking for help really a good way to help them? I'd argue that 99.9% of the time it's not.

It is HARD, so very very hard for many of us to post and simply ask for even a little bit of help. When our threads go off topic or start to have conversations between other people, the main point of the thread becomes lost and it really does hurt! It sucks feeling insignificant in your own thread.

Think of it this way------would it be ok in a face to face meeting to interrupt someone's very serious discussion about reaching out for help in some way so that you can have a side/tangential conversation with someone else? No-----it would be considered quite inappropriate. Yes I know this is the Internet and things are a little different, but the premise still holds.

Your intention may be to help someone-------but maybe you're not really helping them with your off topic/tangential replies to other people in the thread. I've noticed this------people use the defense of having good intentions as a means for continuing the same behavior over and over again. But if the behavior is indeed problematic across the board, for many other people------perhaps the reply style should be examined as problematic as opposed to blaming other people for not accepting your help.

Please don't assume that you know what the OP wants/needs. If the OP has asked for a specific thing, please abide by their wishes. When the OP asks for something reasonable, please take that request seriously.

I'm really not trying to be a hard ass here. It's hard for me to set my own boundaries and then when I get negative backlash (blame?) for setting those very reasonable boundaries-----really not ok.

 

[Ava Jarvis]

I agree with this post.

I have been very guilty of doing the "take away a thread focus from the OP" thing, and sometimes I see it, and sometimes I don't. I try to fix it when I see that I've done it. I will do my best to pay more attention to this in the future.

And yeah, I've also done the "side conversation on someone's thread" thing; I will avoid this in the future.

Boundaries are extremely important. They should be respected.

And intent never takes away harm caused by the action, if harm it does cause. Intent is not magic.

 

[Mallaky]

Good post. Please be proud for working hard on staying rational and reasonable. You are doing great.

 

[Snowflake]

Thank you for voicing what I couldn't.

It happened to me recently-and it hurt. But I also thought at least the others had a good conversation. I almost contiplated staying off for awhile, that I wasn't important or what I had to say.

 

[Kintsugi]

In these situations, the OP should ask that posters stay on topic. If respondents fail to heed that request, it is appropriate to use the report function so that a moderator appropriate to that forum area can issue a request that respondents stay on topic and respect the OP. Failing this, thread bans will be issued.

Please, use the report function when you cannot maintain respect for your topic alone. Moderators try not to involve themselves more than necessary, but we are here to help. That's why we volunteer our time. ;)

 

[scout86]

Not saying you're wrong. Wondering how one decides whether or not a reply will take attention away from the OP and call attention to one's self. That seems like it requires mind reading on multiple levels. Some of us, for example, are in the habit of using stories to illustrate a point. Are you saying that's something that should be avoided? Those of us who lack suitable people skills maybe just need to catch up or shut up.

 

[Kintsugi]

Wondering how one decides whether or not a reply will take attention away from the OP and call attention to one's self.

This is why it is the OP's responsibility to issue a request to stay on topic before a mod gets involved. I have made the mistake once before of involving myself without the OP first calling for order. I would never repeat that mistake. It does indeed require one too many crystal balls.

 

[Snowflake]

In these situations, the OP should ask that posters stay on topic. If respondents fail to heed that...

I understand what your saying but that brings up issues

I feel like I've been put through the ringer because I made a request for my own thread with a ve...

I am proud of you!!!!!

 

[Ava Jarvis]

Not saying you're wrong. Wondering how one decides whether or not a reply will take attention away from...

[crossed out my gabbling]

ETA: Simon is wiser than me.

 

[Recovery4Me]

@scout86 :tup:

I dunno...we have moderators, report buttons, and different perspectives that involve much tolerance. I have found it extremely beneficial from others takes on my questions or thread because at times, I have seen only a partial of the picture. Often when I got all up in arms over a deviation from what I had 'thought' I wanted to understand, I was becoming uncomfortable because of my control issues or smaller comfort zone.

It is a mental health board, where social skills are being developed by many- including me. I have been a leader many times and needed to grow on submitting to the direction life was going by the group instead of becoming a thread policewoman. It is good to grow. There are Private Messaging if someone wants exactly what they want to hear from those they can be comfortable with their expectations. However, many creative ideas can be ushered from a think tank that is an open dialog.:hug:

 

[blackemerald1]

Yes I see your point. If it's a specific question I agree.

But, please also remember that there will be discussion within a thread by diverse member's from every angle.

I can understand this might be frustrating by the OP at times (especially where there are conversations off topic btw member's).

But setting boundaries is also something we all struggle with personally & on this board. I know I have trouble & I can go off into my own little void, thinking I have contributed something... Later, I have apologised to the OP. But only when I see myself doing it!

When a thread gets longer & more responses are added, it can take on a 'life of it's own' and not specifically what the OP was hoping to find.

But, I have never done it with ill intent. Nor to harm anyone.

Not so sure this will be a helpful response.

I do recall @anthony giving advice on this, or similar. Something like take what is helpful & ignore the rest, but don't quote me on that.

I suppose if you see it as a really bad trend right across the forums, then asking for more specific responses to the OP might get a better response...as the thread goes away..from the OP question.

I am sorry that you have not had your OP's stay on topic. I too will be more mindful of how I respond.

 

[Friday]

First no one in chat is good enough for you, and everyone needs to change to be more like you.

Now people in threads aren't good enough for you, either.

Is anyone good enough for you?