Relationship She Left Me Due To Ptsd - An Update

[anthony]

So is there anything I can do?

Pretty much, NO. There is nothing you can do about the situation. Sure, you can sit around and mourn the relationship, that's happening now obviously... and how long you do that will be up to you, but just be careful please. PTSD is tough, and she may then start to screw you around emotionally by wanting to hookup here and there in the near future, telling you what you want to hear, to then be gone again and opening every wound for you. It is classic PTSD... be careful for your own emotional well-being please.

Unless she does a whole lot of healing, then I doubt she is coming back. Healing takes years for severe PTSD.

I was reading about PTSD relationships last night, and a way in which this exact thing was explained is that a PTSD sufferer can resent a spouse, causing them stress, triggers even, and ultimately they leave. They resent spouses for being functional, normal, able to work, able to have relationships with people, all sorts of normal things people do, all the time whilst they isolate, are alone, and want all those things they once had back within their life. So PTSD sufferers lash out on spouses and ultimately just leave them. One day they say "I love you," the next they're walking out the door with hateful remarks. What happens then is they find someone who is at their level, someone they don't resent as much, someone they can live with for companionship without feeling so dysfunctional themselves.

This is the worst of PTSD...

 

[Lanes]

This is the worst of PTSD...

Yep.

I feel for you Tibbles. :(
As a person on the receiving end, all you want to do is give them a little nudge to make them see what you see.
She is not in a position to listen.
All human beings like a degree of control, and strongly dislike rejection. She has evoked this in you.

I would try and separate the "she has PTSD" thing from the feelings of loss of control and rejection. It empowers you and will help you to be strong.

When this happened to me, it was off the back end of an intensive treatment programme. He left more vulnerable than ever and needed to be alone. I spent about a month or so, writing letters I'd never send, sometimes ones that I intended to give him. I'd get drunk and stupidly text him saying I missed him (cringe). Then one day I woke up and smelled the coffee...he wasn't coming back. His sanity is more important than me. It always will be and to be honest I wouldn't want it any other way. As soon as I accepted that and took my bruised ego out of it, it was easier. It was best for both of us. You can't be with someone if they don't want it.

I gave up, I concentrated on myself. I was happy with my life, then I got a letter one day.
He had worked through his initial "flight" issues and decided he would like to share his life with me again, and we are still together now.

I'm not saying that will happen with you, but I know if I hadn't have given him the space and truly truly tried to move on and sort my own issues out, we would not be together now.

I hope you're ok. Take care of yourself.

 

[Tibbles123]

Yep.

I feel for you Tibbles. :(
As a person on the receiving end, all you want to do is give them a lit...

Thanks @Lanes

I know her well enough to know this was out of character for her, that said maybe her not being so cruel was out character(?). Who knows. I have a 5 year old daughter that she was going to meet later this summer for the first time. I'm actually sort of glad she did this in a way to show me what could happen. I started thinking and instead of being sad and wanting answers, I should look at this as she was so cruel to do me a kindness. She's very aware of her PTSD and she's also been diagnosed as bipolar (didn't find that out until two weeks ago). I prefer to think she is or was in a bad way right now and knew she couldn't be with me or my daughter.

You're right @Lanes. I just need to let go. Stop missing her. Stop reminiscing. Stop romanticizing. For a few a period of time I was happier than I have ever been. That's real for me. That's what I'll choose to hold in my heart. Rather than her being cruel and mean, I feel it's better to think she knew she was in a bad way and she was doing me a kindness. That said, I fell in love with the woman that I spent the first part of our relationship with, not the one I saw the last two months. Although I still loved her every second because I could see the real her inside fighting to get out, that's ok. But I'll choose to remember the good she brought in my life than the bad. Life's too short for resentment and harboring pain. Deep down she's the girl I met, but that got lost because this awful shit that she didn't cause and has no control over. That's ok. I choose to remember her as the good person I fell for rather than this numb shell of a person she later became. I hope she finds what she needs and gets well and has happiness - I'm sad I won't be there with her when does find it - If you truly love someone, that means you love them enough to let them go and find happiness.

 

[Olivia2016]

Tibbles, sorry to hear all this. Don't torture yourself and don't try to find an answer in others' stories. As much as I understood reading about PTSD, it's unpredictable. Some people never come back, some go back and forth, some come back and stay, some recover, some can maintain, some never do. Nobody will give you an answer. I would also suggest to not push yourself to make a decision now, because you don't have to do this.Enjoy the day, live your life where it takes you, and see what will happen next. We go crazy trying to plan and organize our lives, but the reality is we just don;t know what will happen to us (and to anyone else) in an hour. Don't put additional stress into your life. If you allow the situation to develop the way it naturally does, you will come to all answers and all decisions naturally without stressing out.
There are many reasons why they are telling all this stuff: they actually think feel it, because they are not healthy, but remember that they are not in a place to even know what they want and what they need, they just think this is the right thing for them right now, but have no idea what will be right in the future (and neither do you). Another reason is not feeling worthy of love and feeling inadequate in a relationship being unable to reciprocate. Yet another is a fear of being hurt and being abandoned and sabotaging the relationship as a result. Unfortunately, there is nothing to do about it: the more you do, the more they push you away and try to get out of a relationship.
Stand still and find peace in just living and submitting to the life flow.

 

[Tibbles123]

Tibbles, sorry to hear all this. Don't torture yourself and don't try to find an answer in others' s...

@Olivia2016

Thanks for your kind words. You actually made me tear up a bit. I think you hit it on the the head with the feeling inadequate to reciprocate. She always said she loved the way I am so affectionate and slowly learning to be the same way, but as she said she "can't lie to herself anymore." She said she never had someone show her such love before. That said, her inability to reciprocate was hard too. I was learning, but I wasn't perfect. We had an agreement that just as I knew she was going to make mistakes and say or do hurtful things (not to this most recent level though) she would be understanding that I would lose sight of how she could show love at the time (like opening up to me and telling me her thoughts and fears).

Just gotta keep on living. You're right. I still want her happy and well regardless of that's with me or not. I care for her deeply.

 

[Olivia2016]

@Olivia2016

Thanks for your kind words. You actually made me tear up a bit. I t...

I understand most of these episodes are caused by feeling inadequate and being unable to feel and express the feelings like the other person does in a relationship. That is what my husband said, that he just can't handle being so inadequate and being unable to feel and do what is expected from anyone in a relationship. They assume that we have certain expectations from them, and that they are unable to deliver, and this is why they need not be in a relationship, because they are damaged and unable to perform. All this in addition to feeling overwhelmed and may be triggered.

 

[Tibbles123]

I understand most of these episodes are caused by feeling inadequate and being unable to feel and ex...

I wish she knew I was happy with her... I probably was a little strong with my expectations with her over the weekend (it was birthday) and on Monday. She wanted me to show her though, how to do things, how to love. That makes perfect sense actually everything she said. Thanks @Olivia2016. You given me a little peace today. I appreciate it.

 

[Olivia2016]

I wish she knew I was happy with her... I probably was a little strong with my expectations with her...

I think ptsd makes them lose the ability to understand that we are happy and appreciative of time spent together. We have been very happy with my husband for seven fantastic years, but now he just keeps repeating that i need to move on. They have no hope for the future, and they are convinced that they will never get better, which is true sometimes and false other times. I think hanging in there takes so much energy from them that they don't have any left to try to understand other person's perspective. They just live in their limited view of the relationships and can only focus on themselves. Anything we say and do just does not get through to them, explaining is useless.

 

[Tibbles123]

I think ptsd makes them lose the ability to understand that we are happy and appreciative of time sp...

@Olivia2016

I just re-read what she sent me. She's not coming back

This is exactly what she said to me:

"We aren't compatible. I've tried to be understanding. As much a as I want this, this just isn't anything for me anymore.

I do not wish to participate in this relationship. I do not believe we are compatible. Please accept and respect that. I can't keep lying to myself and be something I'm not.

I was never emotionally in this relationship. I've tried to express my thoughts and feelings but they were always made into a big deal and I did not want my thoughts and feelings made into a big deal. That said, I decline your offer and will move forward"

Mind you Sunday she said:

"I love you with my soul" and "I love you so much."


I'm so confused and hurt. Been one week and not a peep from her.

 

[anonymous]

I think some of the above apparent mixed messages could actually be simultaneously true. It is completely possible to love someone while being incompatible with them as a long term partner.

I'm not sure that I buy that she was never emotionally invested, but no one can say that with certainty save for her. Is it true that she had expressed hesitation or uncertainty, and you reacted strongly to those feelings?

It sounds like you were in really deep, looking toward marriage keenly. I don't know how long you were ultimately together for (one, two, three years?), but that is a lot of pressure to grapple with, especially given that you have a young child. I would be freaked out, too.

That isn't to say I blame you. I just think that maybe she has a point that you are incompatible in terms of marriage and that you two focusing on that might have ultimately been too much for her to handle, even if it was something she wanted.

 

[anonymous]

WOW @Olivia2016 you state a lot of generalized untrue statements!

She then tells me something so hurtful - she " wasn't emotionally in the relationship, and was only saying it because I wasn't sure what to really feel and if I had said otherwise it wouldn't have been taken lightly, as have my other thoughts and feelings have not been taken lightly. So with that, I'm going to decline your trip offer and move forward."

She may not be able to feel emotions or she may not know how to allow herself to be loved.

I have not read the other thread but Im very sorry this didn't work out. I don't know if she's in therapy but it would help her for sure. Abuse makes us wall off and numb emotions, or I do, and sometimes (or at least me) I don't know how to accept proper and real love or give it although I have massive amounts of empathy.

As a sufferer in therapy, I am getting better, I do have hope for a better future, I do have empathy and can see from other's perspective but there are struggles around the trauma itself. What love is, what a relationship should be, etc. To me, it sounds like she got scared or maybe just didn't know how to love you and/or accept love and thought you deserved better.

I can't mind read to know why she did what she did but I'm sorry she did! :hug:

 

[The Albatross]

Very sorry to read Tibbles, that her last communication was that she's not inclined to come back.