A Newbie's Introduction

[fairandcold]

Good morning everyone. My name is Nancy. I'm 23 years old and I've had an interesting life to say the least. When I was 5, I was molested by a 12ish teenager boy. When I was 12, I was raped by a friend's step dad. When I was 17, my Dad lost his four year battle to cancer and he died in our living room (due to hopsital bills, he died in our home). My mother left less than a year later to take care of her illing father. Fast forward 3ish years. Mom says she's coming back so we can be a family again. How excited I was. If you have been paying attention, you'll have noticed the pattern by now. Yes, she left me again (this time to be with her bipolar ex).

Anyway, so about 2 and a half weeks ago, I saw a movie called Milk about the slain politician. Well, they showed him dying in the movie and because of this (trigger) I wanted to kill my husband and myself and my cat. I had so much rage that it scared me. So, I turned myself into the ER and they in turn turned me over to a mental halfway house where the psychatrist there said that I have PTSD.

So here I am. I have an appt with a PTSD specialist and frankly I was looking for advice. I am so scared to start dealing with the rape etc, that just thinking about therapy makes me anxious. I guess the first step is always the hardest. Anyway, so what should I expect from this long journey I am undertaking?

Thank you for your replies.

Nancy

 

[Mina]

Hi Nancy, and welcome to the forum. Hopefully you will find much help and support here, as I have.

What a strong first step you took to acknowledge that something was off and to go to the ER. That's awesome! I'm so glad to hear that you are going to see a PTSD specialist, too. Another great step. Thinking about and actually going to therapy can be scary sometimes, but I've found it's really worth it. The only way out is, unforunately, through all the crap.

I read in another of your posts that you are newly married - congratulations :smile: I know your frustration in not being able to feel anything for him, though, even after such a wonderful and big event - I was there too, as my PTSD-inducing trauma occurred about 5 weeks after we got married. Dealing with it in therapy has been difficult, but over time the feelings have come back and our relationship is better than it ever was now. I truly hope the same for you.

Hang in there, be patient with yourself, and keep us posted on how your session goes.

Hugs,
Mina

 

[patrick]

Welcome Nancy,

I was diagnosed with PTSD no too long ago, and have found this forum a great place for information, support, and to just plain make some friends. I hope you find a home here the way I have.

Before my first therapy session I was pretty scared, too, but I was in so much pain and feeling so desperate that I was willing to take on anything to feel better. The first session was very non-threatening...basically a little recent history taking and getting to know each other. My therapist is a specialist on PTSD and I felt comfortable with her right away. I doubt you will be asked to go into any depth about your traumas during the first session, and you will have an opportunity to find out if you think you can feel comfortable with the therapist. After that...hang on and get ready for the ride of your life. I haven't been in therapy for very long, but it has taken me places I've never been before. I've wanted to just quit and go back to the hollow life I had before I started, but I keep getting glimpses of how much better life can be if I go on with it.

Glad to see you found this place, and hope to hear more from you. And I agree with Mina. Keep us posted on how your session goes.

Pat

 

[morgan]

Welcome to the forum Nancy!:hello:

 

[fin]

welcome Nancy

...this place helps with some of the aloneness of the PTSD.
And there is a lot of useful information here and people...some have settled very quickly, hope you find it helpful too.

2009 the year for moving forward Welcome ...(please see above for the little waving thingy from morgan, ditto to that from me) :)

~fin

 

[kers]

Welcome to the forum.

I think you will find a lot of helpful information here to support you as you begin your journey. I hope the appointment with the specialist is helpful to you. PTSD is treatable and you can feel better.

 

[fairandcold]

Hi Nancy, and welcome to the forum. Hopefully you will find much help and support here, as I have.

Thank you Mina for you good reply and thank you everybody else. I really hope that my feelings will come back...Daniel (my hubby) is and will be the best thing of my life so to not have those passionate feelings sucks.

My first therapy session went well. We really didn't get into much except to remind me that the rape wasn't my fault that the man took advantage of me.

Anyway again, thank you all for your replies. I look forward to meeting all of you! :kiss:

 

[Luthien]

Hi Nancy!
Welcome to the forum.

I just wanted to share a story with you to let you know how much I can relate.
I used to have those very same thoughts. I would get extremely suicidal, but not like real suicidal. Just these crazy thought firing through my head. nothing would be going on, I could be having a great day, and it would be sunny, and I couldn't find a sock, and then BAM! I would start thinking "life sucks, everything is awful, I hate this" and would be full of uncontrollable, and crazy rage.

It would pop in my head to kill myself, there's no sense in living and would envsion ways of doing it, crazy ways. Then I would remember my cats, and figured I would have to kill them too, because no one would be there to take care of them, and they couldn't handle being alive without me, and I would picture killing them as well. Actually envision it.

It turns out this symptom wasn't PTSD related at all for me. It was Premenstrual Dysmorphic Disorder. PMDD for short. It is a very serious disorder, as it can cause psychosis, and for me, nearly killed me as I did attempt suicide.

I requested to go on Yasmin (a birth control pill proven to help with PMDD) and it worked for me. It saved my life! That was all it took for those thoughts to be gone.

I believe you do have PTSD, and I know how hard it is. You do need to see someone about that, and address it, but I think it is worth looking into the PMDD thing, because I had PTSD for 6 years before I ever started thinking like that. And for me, it wasn't PTSD causing it, though it felt very much like PTSD stuff, felt like triggering, and panic, and anxiety. All it took was the right dose of hormone to fix it though.

Sorry I have rambled on so, it is just your story hit me, and since PMDD is not something doctors think of first (many don't even know about it!) I thought I would share so you could look into it.

 

[patrick]

Hi Nancy,

So glad to hear that your first therapy session went well. Getting that first one under the belt was so tough for me. I hope you felt good about your therapist, and that you are able to develop a relationship that can really make a difference for you. Lacking passion about anybody or anything has been one of the things I have struggled with for a long, long time. Makes life feel so damned empty after a while. I hope you can find some passion soon.

Pat

 

[jeapea]

Welcome to the forum. For starters, you're not alone. What I've found most helpful is the understanding I am given and the understanding I gain so I can heal and move forward.

 

[cragger65]

Hi Nancy, welcome to the forum. I'm sorry for what you've had to go through to get to here, but I think you'll find a lot of help and support here.

 

[SammyKline]

welcome to the forum!

it looks like you've gotten over an enormous hurdle already and are communicating and processing these painful events in a healthy way.

you are moving in the right direction.