Relationship She Left Me Due To Ptsd - An Update

[Justmehere]

You are not an idiot. You are struggling to let go and let her come to you because of your own abandonment fears.

Have you thought about counseling for you? It's not because there is anything wrong with you but because everyone needs help and support from time to time. They can help you work through the hurt and pain of Theo's breakup and heal from the abandonment anxiety.

The other thing that might help is that every time you want to call her, call a friend instead. You have a legit need for relational connection, and right now, you may need to get that need met elsewhere. If you don't have friends you feel like you can call to hang out with, then perhaps every time you want to call, take a step to find more friends and build more relationships. The more connected you are to a support network the less this situation will rattle you. It will also help to get through a breakup again if that's what you other need at this point.

Pulling away when someone has a likely preoccupied attachment style and a fear of abandonment - it's really really hard to do! The more you get support the less painful this will all be.

I think this is actually a really good opportunity for you to do some work on yourself and be able to be in relationships more deeply like you want to be.

 

[Tibbles123]

You are not an idiot. You are struggling to let go and let her come to you because of your own aband...

So what do I do here? I mean we had planned to see each other this coming weekend, but now with no contact from here I'm not sure what to do? Do I bring it up? or just let it lie? I really think if we see each other things could improve. I mean from our conversation Friday we are still together we just need to have confidence "we are together" and no be so co-dependent.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Honestly, probably the best thing you can do is send her a quick text... Something along the line of "I'm sorry I panicked instead of giving you space and slowing down like you asked. I figured it out too late, but I'm working on it. You can give me a holler when you're ready to talk or hang out. I'll be here."

Then seriously, give her some space and time. If she's asked to slow down, every text and call is just making her pull away more.

It's hard but you have to learn to relax. A lot of sufferers use space and isolation to deal with their stress. If you're going to be a supporter you have to be ok with that. It's one of the healthier coping mechanisms... The alternatives can be a lot worse. Not giving them the time to deal with stress is akin to not letting a cancer patient get chemo because it hurts your feelings. Symptoms and the dealing with are not about us.

 

[Olivia2016]

So what do I do here? I mean we had planned to see each other this coming weekend, but now with no c...

How about just letting her know (text, email, if she is not answering your calls) that you are there for her and waiting for her, but giving her some room? Not calling, not trying to have serious conversations, just giving her signs that she can come back any time? I found that pushing, ultimatums, trying to engage does not really work at all. PTSD sufferers say that knowing that a person is waiting for you to get over your problem but does not bother you works the best. This is what I am trying, as nothing invasive works in my case. Just being there does not work yet either, but I am not losing hope.

 

[Tibbles123]

How about just letting her know (text, email, if she is not answering your calls) that you are there...

I'm actually starting to get a little angry about all this. I mean I treated her so well and she pulls this? PTSD be damned, she's responsible for her actions and has never even apologized. For breaking up with me like she did.

 

[Justmehere]

I think there are two issues here.

The important but not most important issue of this weekend:

I don't think it would be unreasonable to reach out one time to set something up for this weekend. Then the ball is in her court. The more she initiates, and the more you wait for her to do that, the better this will work, if it is going to work. It may feel like to you that the more time together or any time together will make things better. But for someone who is overwhelmed with symptoms and easily overwhelmed by contact, that isn't always the case. So let her decide for herself what will help her stay in the relationship with you in terms of this weekend.

Then there is the second issue, which I think is much more important to work on in terms of making this relationship last, if it is going to last at all:

You taking time to build up your own support network and doing your own work with a therapist about your own abandonment fears. Otherwise, you both are going to end up back in the same spiral again, or she may even just pick up on your anxiety and pull away more and hen you will feel worse and etc. So whatever you do about this weekend and with her, you also gotta do some work to shore yourself up.

You also need to do some work not just on the abandonment anxiety but the real anger you feel about her betraying your trust in her with such a sudden break up. She probably didn't mean to hurt you at all, but you are still hurt and anxious and angry and it's gonna take time working on that without her and *maybe* later with her to repair that hurt.

Does that make any sense?

 

[Justmehere]

I'm actually starting to get a little angry about all this. I mean I treated her so well and she pulls this? PTSD be damned, she's responsible for her actions and has never even apologized. For breaking up with me like she did.

Be careful to not start diving too deeply into the blame game. She and you are always allowed to call it quits. You may have been endlessly devoted to her, and it is awful how sudden she realized she can't be that devoted back.

You are both responsible for both your actions. Your anger is good because it's good info to you about what is and isn't ok to you. You legitimately want someone who doesn't suddenly bail. She is someone who suddenly bails.

I also think you did things that unintentionally overwhelmed her. You are responsible for those choices that you made to chase her. Did you do it to harm her? No. Did it overwhelm her? Seems likely.

It's clear she did things that unintentionally hurt you too.

I don't see anything that you have described where either of you have "pulled" stuff on the other. Just two people struggling to figure out how to do relationship with each other when you both want and can handle very different levels of commitment and contact.

It's ok to feel whatever you feel about everything that has happened. It's not ok to do whatever with those emotions, but it's really healthy to be able to feel them. I would be a little worried if you didn't feel any anger about how the breakup happened.

Hang in there :hug:

 

[Tibbles123]

Be careful to not start diving too deeply into the blame game. She and you are always allowed to cal...

Well this is what I want to say I guess this is cathartic, a lot of emotions here so no need critique just need to get this out:

"I'm really trying to be cool about all this and I know I blew you up the last few days. I care for you deeply, I love you with all my heart, but ignoring phone calls/texts? One word texts back? You want space in this relationship? You got all you need now.

I don't what got into you these last two weeks, supposedly lying to me about your feelings for almost 5 months? Breaking up with me over text? Text! Meaning you were too much of a COWARD to have an adult conversation about it on the phone. You let me down and you caused me to feel hurt and abandoned. You completely violated my trust by not having the decency to explain or apologize such rash and hurtful behavior that even a much less meaningful relationship wouldn't be deserving of.

I mean my Dad is dying and I need you more than ever right now... And where are you? I was there for you. Are you for me now? NO! I didn't even tell you about it because I didn't want to cause you anymore stress - now you know why I have been so needy lately. You never even asked or thought to ask what was wrong with me.

I mean I'm a man that took care of you, supported you every day, would have and did buy you whatever you wanted, treated a woman who is amazing as you are like she should be treated - like a queen. I stuck by you through a complete BREAK DOWN when any other man would run for the hills I took the time to learn about what you go through everyday with PTSD and talked and listened to you about it. I always let you know your were loved, admired and in my thoughts every moment of everyday. I understood you like no one, not even your family or your therapist has before. That's rare, there aren't any other fish in sea that are built like me. And you want to throw away a man like that because for the last few days/weeks you've been waking up and feeling uncomfortable? What's going to happen when you wake up and realize what you did? That a man who would given you the world and moved mountains FOR YOU is gone for good because you were too far gone to realize what you felt in for the last 6 months was real and what you're doing now is your stressed out anxiety ridden mind is playing tricks on you? Instead you want to end up with a cold uncaring person that treats you like your ex did? Gets you arrested? Steals everything you ever owned? Or maybe even worse? INSANE.

You don't run out on people that care for you, you don't shut those people completely out, you don't tell people you love them with your soul and then say you don't mean it the next day, you don't discuss a future (house, kids, marriage) and plan to meet ones family with a man you supposedly have no feelings for, you don't tell someone you love them then take it back 5 months later, and you don't trust people with your thoughts and feelings then say it meant nothing.

The sad thing is you were ever to call me and apologize for what you did and would actually want to try and put this back together. I would take you back in a heart beat. I love you with piece of my being. I love your every flaw just as much as your every perfection, but the way you've been acting toward me is not acceptable. Until then, if ever, you ran away probably the only person that would have been your friend, lover and partner to support you through thick and thin and every up and down your life would have thrown at you.

 

[Justmehere]

If that was a vent for here - I'm glad you are expressing and acklowdging how you feel.

(I would hope you hesitate before sending it to her of course)

 

[Tibbles123]

If that was a vent for here - I'm glad you are expressing and acklowdging how you feel.

(I would h...

Lord knows I want too...

 

[Kintsugi]

Lord knows guilting, shaming, and devaluing ("probably the only person that [would put up with you]") her would be counter-productive to keeping her, though. ;)

I loved your venting. I'm glad you're able to share your feelings somewhere. Maybe you could pick through that diatribe sometime for the parts you really, really want/need to express.

 

[Tibbles123]

Lord knows guilting, shaming, and devaluing ("probably the only person that [would put up with you]...

So I asked her about this weekend...

Just shot her a text "hey are we gonna see each other this weekend?"

She replied "no I just want to be alone"

I just said "ok, if you need to talk or anything I'm here. Thinking about you. I miss you and I really do care about you."

Then I said how I did in my softball game for my company (3-4) and told her "I'm going to give you some space have a good week. sweet dreams."