-
We are a multilingual website again. Read the notice about this.
-
Understand AI use at MyPTSD: all AI use is explained in our AI help page. AI use is by choice here. It exists if you want it, but does nothing unless you choose to use it.
My husband died today
- Post starter NarcSis
- Start date
- Status
D
Deleted member 12723
- Post starter
- #507
@Sighs, I am looking for a specific breed and I really cannot afford to inherit huge vet bills with a sick dog - so far all of the rescues I've inquired about have some serious medical issues. With my finances for the longer term looking sketchy and my prospects of work being not so good, I'm not sure about just the general expense of a dog. As for getting a PTSD service dog, I don't qualify from a support system standpoint; my symptoms definitely qualify me, but my lack of support system disqualifies me, which I think is completely backward and ridiculous.
I laid on the floor again tonight. I started to cry not long after I rolled onto my side like I did that night when I was behind him. I closed my eyes and silently screamed in anguish wishing I could just feel his forehead against mine again. If I could only see his face looking at me again, like it was that night, only inches from mine when he said, "I'm so very sad." I would tell him that sad is only temporary. It's only temporary because we don't have any answers, once we get answers we wouldn't be sad anymore. I would tell him I love him so, so, so very much and that he doesn't need to die over sad. I would tell him he was fine, he was healthy, he was strong, he was loved and he should never even think of leaving this world.
I screamed and screamed, my mouth open with no sound coming out. My body shook to its core. I exhaled almost constantly in silent screaming. I sobbed between screams, "Tinny, you didn't have to leave me. You didn't have to. You weren't sick. You weren't. You were just sad, Tin. Sad goes away. Sad is only temporary." You just had to stay with me. You just had to hold my hand. You just had to say what you were feeling. You were more than just sad. You were afraid. you were confused, you were catastrophizing. You were thinking in black and white. You were making assumptions. You were just lost in your thinking. You just had to hang on, Tin, you just had to hang on to me.
Sad is only temporary. I know. Sad comes to visit me every day now. it doesn't stay permanently, I can push it away for a bit. Sad can be overwhelming. Sad can steal your breath. Sad can make you think there is nothing for you here and that everything is going to work out badly. Sad comes to see me a lot. I think maybe sad has been with me all of my life, just hiding inside. They say people with hidden depression are "realists", they see things for what they truly are and rarely allow themselves to dream or hope preferring instead to keep their feet firmly planted in reality. I've always been a realist. I've always been the responsible one. My husband was a lot like me. We shared the same views on so many things.
I was always the one who was never fully satisfied with her life and he always took exception to that because he was part of that life. I never hated him, I was never disappointed in him, I just wanted there to be so much more in this life for us; it just always seemed that we ended up repeatedly getting the short end of the stick while others less deserving got breaks that we wanted and worked hard for. In my life, EVERYTHING seemed hard - he was the only thing I didn't have to fight so hard for. I loved him for that. I was always a little insecure in that, kept waiting for that bubble to burst and when it didn't, I loved him even more....then the bubble burst, and he died, but not just died, Killed Himself!! Kept thinking, what did I do to deserve this? Who are we who are chosen to repeatedly suffer in life?
My cousin lost her husband to cancer when he was only 46. She has since lost three of five children to suicide. Is it any wonder that she's tried repeatedly over the years to kill herself? I mean, what in God's name creates a situation in someone's life where there is that much suffering to endure? How fair is that? Should I feel somehow lucky that I've only lost just my husband to suicide? Should I feel lucky that I've only got PTSD?
I feel sorry for the people who discovered their loved ones. I truly do. I can't imagine that, let alone watching your loved one kill themselves. I read the story of a man whose wife shot herself in the head with a high powered weapon as he walked in the door - she'd called him to come home. He now has PTSD because of it and says every time he thinks of her he only sees her face exploding in front of him. Like, what the hell!? How can that happen to people? How can the world be THAT cruel to us? Another woman was hiking with her husband when he decided to jump off a cliff...she doesn't remember anything but that soft thudding sound of his body bouncing off the rocks. Like me, neither of them saw it coming. The people they remember never once hinted at suicide, always had a smile, were prone to be moody but overall were well liked, not in trouble and just good people. How does it hide so well? Do some people even know they have depression? Is it always depression that causes people to die by suicide? If there's no indication of mental imbalance, then is it really depression or is depression just the convenient excuse?
When I get suicidal it's out of pain, anguish, thinking errors and panic. The urge to act is just so strong. It takes every ounce of energy to just fight. You literally drag your head. The emotional pain just saps me completely, i get so depressed I don't even bother to wipe my face because there is no energy to move my hand to my face, even if it's only two inches away. The thoughts swirl in my head, all negative, all designed to convince me that I serve no purpose in this world anymore. In most of it, I feel alone, unloved and useless and I have no clue how to reach out for help, in fact, it is shame that keeps me from reaching for the phone, that and a severe lack of energy. There is always that one burst of energy though, that one that comes after you finally just agree with all of the negative thoughts and you say, I AM useless, I AM abandoned and I DON'T deserve to be here. It's like a second wind of pure craziness because it gets you moving, moving toward a means to an end. It's then that I have to fight to keep myself on the bed, keep myself down. Like, seriously, if you were trying to keep your friend alive if they were actively suicidal, you would probably pile on them, hug them, hold them down - there's no one to do that for me except me.
Even then, the other week I slipped up. I let myself move. I took those sleeping pills and I "went away" for a little while.
I try to stay away from alcohol, it was a rule of mine because it aggravates my loss of control sensations and I end up teeth clenching and feeling unsafe. I could only do it when husband was around because he wasn't a drink to get drunk kind of guy (until just the past year, he'd suddenly find himself drunk because he'd lose track of how much or how quickly he was drinking; lost in his devices). My sister on the other hand is a "you're sad? Here have a drink." type person. In her mind drinking makes you happy. That being said, when I start to get drunk, she doesn't watch my back, she gets moody and sullen because now I've spoiled her ability to have fun - "someone's got to be responsible." I'm sorry but I spent all of my younger days being the responsible one and was always chastised by her for "not joining the party", so now that I'm in my forties, I will occasionally join this proverbial party and now I'm essentially chastised for having too much fun...which then p's me off. Anyway, p'd off me reverts to depressive thinking, feeling like a burden on people and wanting to relieve them of their cross to bear.
Sister got mad, like my husband, she just starting slamming things around, not talking, acting mad and in her case, wiping away tears. I have an issue with feeling I've hurt people. I don't want to hurt people on purpose or accidentally. So, feeling like the worthless burden who just hurts people, I slipped up, I swallowed my sleeping pills on top of the alcohol and I went to bed for a long time. I know the few times I woke up through it, I noticed I was sighing rather deeply when I'd breathe - now that is what we call sedated breathing.
The thing about my sister though? She'd never call for help. She'd probably sit downstairs thinking I was still mad at her while I slowly stopped breathing and she, like me, would have never seen it coming.
I slipped up. I wanted to die. I thought it was better. I wanted to be with him. The pain of being without him is unbearable sometimes and honestly, he just set one of the worst examples for me. I have to remember next time, when I want to die, really all I need is a temporary escape from Sad. One sleeping pill. Just enough to put me to sleep and after a good sleep things usually look different.
- unless you're my husband, then things don't look much different and you die anyway. Of course, he also didn't really sleep much that night.
Uggh. Husband. why can't I just have you back? We need a do-over, there was a mistake, we have to do it over again.
I laid on the floor again tonight. I started to cry not long after I rolled onto my side like I did that night when I was behind him. I closed my eyes and silently screamed in anguish wishing I could just feel his forehead against mine again. If I could only see his face looking at me again, like it was that night, only inches from mine when he said, "I'm so very sad." I would tell him that sad is only temporary. It's only temporary because we don't have any answers, once we get answers we wouldn't be sad anymore. I would tell him I love him so, so, so very much and that he doesn't need to die over sad. I would tell him he was fine, he was healthy, he was strong, he was loved and he should never even think of leaving this world.
I screamed and screamed, my mouth open with no sound coming out. My body shook to its core. I exhaled almost constantly in silent screaming. I sobbed between screams, "Tinny, you didn't have to leave me. You didn't have to. You weren't sick. You weren't. You were just sad, Tin. Sad goes away. Sad is only temporary." You just had to stay with me. You just had to hold my hand. You just had to say what you were feeling. You were more than just sad. You were afraid. you were confused, you were catastrophizing. You were thinking in black and white. You were making assumptions. You were just lost in your thinking. You just had to hang on, Tin, you just had to hang on to me.
Sad is only temporary. I know. Sad comes to visit me every day now. it doesn't stay permanently, I can push it away for a bit. Sad can be overwhelming. Sad can steal your breath. Sad can make you think there is nothing for you here and that everything is going to work out badly. Sad comes to see me a lot. I think maybe sad has been with me all of my life, just hiding inside. They say people with hidden depression are "realists", they see things for what they truly are and rarely allow themselves to dream or hope preferring instead to keep their feet firmly planted in reality. I've always been a realist. I've always been the responsible one. My husband was a lot like me. We shared the same views on so many things.
I was always the one who was never fully satisfied with her life and he always took exception to that because he was part of that life. I never hated him, I was never disappointed in him, I just wanted there to be so much more in this life for us; it just always seemed that we ended up repeatedly getting the short end of the stick while others less deserving got breaks that we wanted and worked hard for. In my life, EVERYTHING seemed hard - he was the only thing I didn't have to fight so hard for. I loved him for that. I was always a little insecure in that, kept waiting for that bubble to burst and when it didn't, I loved him even more....then the bubble burst, and he died, but not just died, Killed Himself!! Kept thinking, what did I do to deserve this? Who are we who are chosen to repeatedly suffer in life?
My cousin lost her husband to cancer when he was only 46. She has since lost three of five children to suicide. Is it any wonder that she's tried repeatedly over the years to kill herself? I mean, what in God's name creates a situation in someone's life where there is that much suffering to endure? How fair is that? Should I feel somehow lucky that I've only lost just my husband to suicide? Should I feel lucky that I've only got PTSD?
I feel sorry for the people who discovered their loved ones. I truly do. I can't imagine that, let alone watching your loved one kill themselves. I read the story of a man whose wife shot herself in the head with a high powered weapon as he walked in the door - she'd called him to come home. He now has PTSD because of it and says every time he thinks of her he only sees her face exploding in front of him. Like, what the hell!? How can that happen to people? How can the world be THAT cruel to us? Another woman was hiking with her husband when he decided to jump off a cliff...she doesn't remember anything but that soft thudding sound of his body bouncing off the rocks. Like me, neither of them saw it coming. The people they remember never once hinted at suicide, always had a smile, were prone to be moody but overall were well liked, not in trouble and just good people. How does it hide so well? Do some people even know they have depression? Is it always depression that causes people to die by suicide? If there's no indication of mental imbalance, then is it really depression or is depression just the convenient excuse?
When I get suicidal it's out of pain, anguish, thinking errors and panic. The urge to act is just so strong. It takes every ounce of energy to just fight. You literally drag your head. The emotional pain just saps me completely, i get so depressed I don't even bother to wipe my face because there is no energy to move my hand to my face, even if it's only two inches away. The thoughts swirl in my head, all negative, all designed to convince me that I serve no purpose in this world anymore. In most of it, I feel alone, unloved and useless and I have no clue how to reach out for help, in fact, it is shame that keeps me from reaching for the phone, that and a severe lack of energy. There is always that one burst of energy though, that one that comes after you finally just agree with all of the negative thoughts and you say, I AM useless, I AM abandoned and I DON'T deserve to be here. It's like a second wind of pure craziness because it gets you moving, moving toward a means to an end. It's then that I have to fight to keep myself on the bed, keep myself down. Like, seriously, if you were trying to keep your friend alive if they were actively suicidal, you would probably pile on them, hug them, hold them down - there's no one to do that for me except me.
Even then, the other week I slipped up. I let myself move. I took those sleeping pills and I "went away" for a little while.
I try to stay away from alcohol, it was a rule of mine because it aggravates my loss of control sensations and I end up teeth clenching and feeling unsafe. I could only do it when husband was around because he wasn't a drink to get drunk kind of guy (until just the past year, he'd suddenly find himself drunk because he'd lose track of how much or how quickly he was drinking; lost in his devices). My sister on the other hand is a "you're sad? Here have a drink." type person. In her mind drinking makes you happy. That being said, when I start to get drunk, she doesn't watch my back, she gets moody and sullen because now I've spoiled her ability to have fun - "someone's got to be responsible." I'm sorry but I spent all of my younger days being the responsible one and was always chastised by her for "not joining the party", so now that I'm in my forties, I will occasionally join this proverbial party and now I'm essentially chastised for having too much fun...which then p's me off. Anyway, p'd off me reverts to depressive thinking, feeling like a burden on people and wanting to relieve them of their cross to bear.
Sister got mad, like my husband, she just starting slamming things around, not talking, acting mad and in her case, wiping away tears. I have an issue with feeling I've hurt people. I don't want to hurt people on purpose or accidentally. So, feeling like the worthless burden who just hurts people, I slipped up, I swallowed my sleeping pills on top of the alcohol and I went to bed for a long time. I know the few times I woke up through it, I noticed I was sighing rather deeply when I'd breathe - now that is what we call sedated breathing.
The thing about my sister though? She'd never call for help. She'd probably sit downstairs thinking I was still mad at her while I slowly stopped breathing and she, like me, would have never seen it coming.
I slipped up. I wanted to die. I thought it was better. I wanted to be with him. The pain of being without him is unbearable sometimes and honestly, he just set one of the worst examples for me. I have to remember next time, when I want to die, really all I need is a temporary escape from Sad. One sleeping pill. Just enough to put me to sleep and after a good sleep things usually look different.
- unless you're my husband, then things don't look much different and you die anyway. Of course, he also didn't really sleep much that night.
Uggh. Husband. why can't I just have you back? We need a do-over, there was a mistake, we have to do it over again.
- Post starter
- #508
It was a horrible day today.
I forgot I had a therapy appointment today, so was surprised when the call came in. Needless to say it turned into an extra long session because I am just such a mess. My therapist wants me to connect with a grief support group, instantly I know that I am going to go to a grief support group and start supporting everyone else and not myself. I'm going to do the "I'm okay" thing and push my needs aside, or I'll die from the anxiety of just being there.
We went over my sister's visit and I don't know, maybe I'm just a complainer but my therapist suggested that perhaps my sister is a narcissist and I hesitated on that one big time because I know when I was learning all about narcissism I started seeing it in everyone - everyone has narcissistic tendencies within their make up, that won't necessarily mean they are a card carrying DSM narcissist. I just complained about everything and how most of what she does to me triggers me to my husband's suicide.
For example, me asking if she's going to live with my brother after she retires in five years and her saying, "I don't know where I'm going to go, I don't have anywhere to go, maybe I'll just die." and then she laughs. Ummmm, my husband died. He killed himself, so wtf was that supposed to mean!? If she can't come live with me she'll kill herself!?
Hubby used to see how much I'd get hurt by her when she was around. He used to complain that she was always constantly reminding people that I was a "screaming, brat" when i was a kid or she'd often ignore my needs (and his) in favor of her own and she always needed the attention to be focused on her. But does that make her a narcissist? Maybe self centered and socially inept but a narcissist? I don't think so. She isn't all bristles, she has a tender side but my T suggested that perhaps that is her need, to care/control people for her own sake so she can run around professing her healing powers - which she does on social media. I think social media has a lot to do with bringing out that narcissistic streak in people anyway.
It just hurt me to discover that while she was here I spent over a thousand dollars in addition to my bills and I live on a fixed income....when I was complaining about it because I was worrying like I do about money, she reminds me that I gave her "$500"...umm, it was actually a thousand because I paid her vehicle out of the shop and I'd completely forgotten, so that meant I'd spent over TWO THOUSAND dollars on her in the span of three weeks. I almost had a heart attack. I don't want her to come around anymore. I am totally afraid because she is a complete sieve when it comes to money and she spends it on ridiculous things like perfume and cosmetics and eating out.
Anyway, I cried so much about being trapped in a new predicament. She's been gone for two days and I can feel the loneliness starting to erode at me again. I woke up unhappy. I cried several times missing my husband, wishing I just had someone in the house with me. I crash so easily from the loneliness and I wish for her to be back here. It's like having no one left to turn to but the devil....and she's not completely a devil....or I'm just confused...she has no one either.
I was a mess after the session, crying, shaking, hysterical at points and just so completely depressed. Who calls and makes me feel better? My sister. I ended up cancelling dinner tonight with my buddy and his wife because I was in such a horrible state. I debated picking up the phone and talking to a crisis counselor. That's my homework, by the way. I am supposed to call the crisis line at some point over the next two days. Ugggh. So hard for me to ask for help or to even know what kind of help I need.
This evening I was feeling a bit better, I decided to do some writing and update my ipod and does my ipod not completely shut down and crash on me in the middle of an update. Everything was lost on it. I was getting nothing but a connector symbol. Then my itunes crashes on my computer and wouldn't open anymore. My world exploded right there. Like just exploded into a gazillion pieces. I'd just lost all contact with the outside world. I'd just lost all pictures I'd had of him. All of my videos. The sound of his voice. My world just ended right there in a stupid connector symbol and a power button that did nothing. I was frantic. I was screaming. I was crying hysterically. I couldn't make anything work again and I ended up running to the stairwell and curling up in a ball hysterically crying and begging for my hubby to fix it for me. That was his thing, those computer things, that was his domain. I just sat there lost and begging him over and over and over through my tears, "Tinny, please, please, please, I need you. Please, Tin, please fix it for me. I can't lose EVERYTHING. I already lost you, I can't lose EVERYTHING. Please, Tin, fix it for me, please."
i must have sat there hysterical for about forty five minutes screaming about how I wasn't ready to lose him and how could he let me go and how could he kill himself and did he not know how much I still needed him. I cried and screamed and banged my head against the wall and just wanted the world to get better for me, just fix my ipod and make everything better again. I can't lose my whole world on top of him.
A miracle happened tonight. When I was finally able to get hold of myself and I returned to the couch, my itunes had started up on it's own and my ipod was running through a factory reset mode and reinstalling everything I'd had on file. I was dumbfounded. There was no reason for it to be doing any of that, I hadn't touched it. I know it's magical thinking but that was his domain, all of that tech stuff, that was his thing - it had to be him. It had to be. He was answering my call. He was looking after me. He was making it better like he always did for me.
I just don't have any other explanation. I didn't touch any of it. I didn't do anything.
It took over an hour but my ipod is finally back to normal. Fatal crisis averted. I thanked my hubby so much. I hugged on a pillow and rocked and thanked him for still being here for me. I told him how much I still need him, because I do. I really do. I told him I don't know if I can do this without him. I don't. Life is just so hard now. It is just so hard being completely alone. I don't know anyone well enough to have them come to me if I needed someone, the only ones I can call are my family and for emotional crises, they're not that good. My husband was the best at "handling" me when I'd go off the deep end. He was so good at re-centering me, calming me and just loving me back to normal. I never wanted to lose that. Never in my life had I ever thought I would lose him like that.
I wasn't ready to be on my own. I wasn't ready to let go of him. God, today I was just a mess missing him so much.
I forgot I had a therapy appointment today, so was surprised when the call came in. Needless to say it turned into an extra long session because I am just such a mess. My therapist wants me to connect with a grief support group, instantly I know that I am going to go to a grief support group and start supporting everyone else and not myself. I'm going to do the "I'm okay" thing and push my needs aside, or I'll die from the anxiety of just being there.
We went over my sister's visit and I don't know, maybe I'm just a complainer but my therapist suggested that perhaps my sister is a narcissist and I hesitated on that one big time because I know when I was learning all about narcissism I started seeing it in everyone - everyone has narcissistic tendencies within their make up, that won't necessarily mean they are a card carrying DSM narcissist. I just complained about everything and how most of what she does to me triggers me to my husband's suicide.
For example, me asking if she's going to live with my brother after she retires in five years and her saying, "I don't know where I'm going to go, I don't have anywhere to go, maybe I'll just die." and then she laughs. Ummmm, my husband died. He killed himself, so wtf was that supposed to mean!? If she can't come live with me she'll kill herself!?
Hubby used to see how much I'd get hurt by her when she was around. He used to complain that she was always constantly reminding people that I was a "screaming, brat" when i was a kid or she'd often ignore my needs (and his) in favor of her own and she always needed the attention to be focused on her. But does that make her a narcissist? Maybe self centered and socially inept but a narcissist? I don't think so. She isn't all bristles, she has a tender side but my T suggested that perhaps that is her need, to care/control people for her own sake so she can run around professing her healing powers - which she does on social media. I think social media has a lot to do with bringing out that narcissistic streak in people anyway.
It just hurt me to discover that while she was here I spent over a thousand dollars in addition to my bills and I live on a fixed income....when I was complaining about it because I was worrying like I do about money, she reminds me that I gave her "$500"...umm, it was actually a thousand because I paid her vehicle out of the shop and I'd completely forgotten, so that meant I'd spent over TWO THOUSAND dollars on her in the span of three weeks. I almost had a heart attack. I don't want her to come around anymore. I am totally afraid because she is a complete sieve when it comes to money and she spends it on ridiculous things like perfume and cosmetics and eating out.
Anyway, I cried so much about being trapped in a new predicament. She's been gone for two days and I can feel the loneliness starting to erode at me again. I woke up unhappy. I cried several times missing my husband, wishing I just had someone in the house with me. I crash so easily from the loneliness and I wish for her to be back here. It's like having no one left to turn to but the devil....and she's not completely a devil....or I'm just confused...she has no one either.
I was a mess after the session, crying, shaking, hysterical at points and just so completely depressed. Who calls and makes me feel better? My sister. I ended up cancelling dinner tonight with my buddy and his wife because I was in such a horrible state. I debated picking up the phone and talking to a crisis counselor. That's my homework, by the way. I am supposed to call the crisis line at some point over the next two days. Ugggh. So hard for me to ask for help or to even know what kind of help I need.
This evening I was feeling a bit better, I decided to do some writing and update my ipod and does my ipod not completely shut down and crash on me in the middle of an update. Everything was lost on it. I was getting nothing but a connector symbol. Then my itunes crashes on my computer and wouldn't open anymore. My world exploded right there. Like just exploded into a gazillion pieces. I'd just lost all contact with the outside world. I'd just lost all pictures I'd had of him. All of my videos. The sound of his voice. My world just ended right there in a stupid connector symbol and a power button that did nothing. I was frantic. I was screaming. I was crying hysterically. I couldn't make anything work again and I ended up running to the stairwell and curling up in a ball hysterically crying and begging for my hubby to fix it for me. That was his thing, those computer things, that was his domain. I just sat there lost and begging him over and over and over through my tears, "Tinny, please, please, please, I need you. Please, Tin, please fix it for me. I can't lose EVERYTHING. I already lost you, I can't lose EVERYTHING. Please, Tin, fix it for me, please."
i must have sat there hysterical for about forty five minutes screaming about how I wasn't ready to lose him and how could he let me go and how could he kill himself and did he not know how much I still needed him. I cried and screamed and banged my head against the wall and just wanted the world to get better for me, just fix my ipod and make everything better again. I can't lose my whole world on top of him.
A miracle happened tonight. When I was finally able to get hold of myself and I returned to the couch, my itunes had started up on it's own and my ipod was running through a factory reset mode and reinstalling everything I'd had on file. I was dumbfounded. There was no reason for it to be doing any of that, I hadn't touched it. I know it's magical thinking but that was his domain, all of that tech stuff, that was his thing - it had to be him. It had to be. He was answering my call. He was looking after me. He was making it better like he always did for me.
I just don't have any other explanation. I didn't touch any of it. I didn't do anything.
It took over an hour but my ipod is finally back to normal. Fatal crisis averted. I thanked my hubby so much. I hugged on a pillow and rocked and thanked him for still being here for me. I told him how much I still need him, because I do. I really do. I told him I don't know if I can do this without him. I don't. Life is just so hard now. It is just so hard being completely alone. I don't know anyone well enough to have them come to me if I needed someone, the only ones I can call are my family and for emotional crises, they're not that good. My husband was the best at "handling" me when I'd go off the deep end. He was so good at re-centering me, calming me and just loving me back to normal. I never wanted to lose that. Never in my life had I ever thought I would lose him like that.
I wasn't ready to be on my own. I wasn't ready to let go of him. God, today I was just a mess missing him so much.
D
Deleted member 12723
@Medic72:hug::hug::hug:
Oh, God, Medic, I feel so torn up by your posts. I almost lost my husband to a heart attack last Saturday. I know it's not anywhere near the same thing, but he is 17 years older than me and I never took that really seriously, like to heart seriously, until this happened.
I just see myself so much in what you've written if I were to lose J. I think about it now, and I would be where you are. He is one of my best supports ever and I have no idea how I'd go on without him. But then, we always find a way, right? We are survivors. We go on. They want us to. Our deceased loved ones. We have to go on. Please pm me if you feel it would help to talk about this more. My heart breaks for you. But you will go on. There are things in this life that you are meant to do. You are such a special person. The world needs people like you.
I just see myself so much in what you've written if I were to lose J. I think about it now, and I would be where you are. He is one of my best supports ever and I have no idea how I'd go on without him. But then, we always find a way, right? We are survivors. We go on. They want us to. Our deceased loved ones. We have to go on. Please pm me if you feel it would help to talk about this more. My heart breaks for you. But you will go on. There are things in this life that you are meant to do. You are such a special person. The world needs people like you.
scout86
VIP Member
My T says that it's possible for a person to be "overly self involved" without actually crossing the line into being a DSM type narcissist. I don't know if your sister crosses that line or not, but she's for sure overly self involved. Because of that, she's not really helping YOU, she's helping herself. And she making things harder for you, whether she realizes it or not.
A friend on this forum told me once that I'd be "raised to be food for narcissists". Because of the way your family has handled this situation, and because of what you've said about what Tinny thought about your family and how they've treated you, I've wondered if that's not true for you as well. Just a thought. But, it turns out you don't have to BE food for narcissists, even if that the way you were raised and what they expect.
OR, maybe you'll get some good support from people who actually know how to be supportive. You might even make some new friends. You can probably support others at the same time. You really DO have a lot to offer. (This sounds like a good idea!)
The computer thing sounds scary! I had a computer crash a few years ago and lost a lot of stuff. Not I have important pictures stored on an external hard drive as well as on CD's. You might want to check into ways to make sure that precious data is safe. :hug:
joeylittle
Sponsor
You can tell a group this, in your introduction. And you can likely count on them to make sure you aren't neglected. Supporting other people is not, in itself, a bad thing - it's a useful part of recovery. You need to give the rest of the group a chance to also make it about you - which they will help with, if you tell them.
- Post starter
- #513
I just lost my laptop, the power cord is fried, the battery doesn't hold a charge and No, it hasn't been backed up onto an external drive.
The power cord has been acting up since he died. Now it doesn't work at all. I ordered one online from Amazon but it's going to be a week before it gets here.
All of my pictures of him. All of my writing. I feel like I've just been kicked in the gut.
What will happen next!?
Maybe I just need some sleep. So sad right now.
The power cord has been acting up since he died. Now it doesn't work at all. I ordered one online from Amazon but it's going to be a week before it gets here.
All of my pictures of him. All of my writing. I feel like I've just been kicked in the gut.
What will happen next!?
Maybe I just need some sleep. So sad right now.
- Post starter
- #514
An old friend from university came today, we had an 8 hour visit. She took me for lunch and treated me because when we used to meet up she said my hubby would never let her pay.
I found myself talking about him and gesturing to the empty seat he used to sit in and saying things like, "this guy..." Or "he used to..." And we both thought it was actually kind of humorous. She spoke of him in the present tense too.
This was her first visit to our/my home. She apologized for never coming while he was still alive. :(
At one point she cried talking about how she didn't understand at the time what had happened, she'd read my fb posts but didn't know I'd called him "Tin / Tinny", so she didn't know he'd died. She reached out to my sister and that's how she found out what had happened.
I apologized for not remembering to notify her but she said that it didn't matter because she wouldn't have expected it considering what I was trying to deal with.
I cringe every time someone calls me strong and she called me that several times today. She said "It's only what, four months now and just look at you, you're going out, you've dealt with so much, you're joking and laughing. You're so strong and I'm not just saying that."
I guess it makes me feel guilty when people call me strong. I feel anything but strong. I look okay but I'm not deep inside. I almost feel like strong gives the impression that I'm over him too quickly. Thinking error I know but that's what it feels like.
I told her about the loneliness, I told her how it feels like a withdrawal some days when I miss him and I told her about that day, how they wouldn't let me see him and how I think I would have rather seen his dead face than his alive-looking face at the funeral home. I didn't feel like I had proper closure, my mind created doubt and outrageous possibilities for why he could still be alive. I'm sorry but I needed someone to use the word dead with me that day, I needed there to be no doubt. Not even the coroner used the word, like who are they saving me or themselves? Dead is dead; passed away means he's gone somewhere, it creates doubt.
I now struggle still against doubt.
I feel guilty for having normal days. Guilty for having people over now that he's gone. Why didn't they come while he was alive? I needed them then too.
I got a message from his old partner tonight, he finally admitted how much he misses him. I knew it. That is why when he was visiting I gave him every opportunity to share his fond memories.
It's so important to keep talking about him, it helps to heal. Unlike my family and his who try to pretend life is just normal again and hardly mention him. I need to talk about him. I need to remember. I need to release the pain. I need people who are going to help me do that.
At the end of the day I got a huge hug - I so needed that hug - and I was given a promise for more contact.
I hope that's true.
Still miss him so much.
I found myself talking about him and gesturing to the empty seat he used to sit in and saying things like, "this guy..." Or "he used to..." And we both thought it was actually kind of humorous. She spoke of him in the present tense too.
This was her first visit to our/my home. She apologized for never coming while he was still alive. :(
At one point she cried talking about how she didn't understand at the time what had happened, she'd read my fb posts but didn't know I'd called him "Tin / Tinny", so she didn't know he'd died. She reached out to my sister and that's how she found out what had happened.
I apologized for not remembering to notify her but she said that it didn't matter because she wouldn't have expected it considering what I was trying to deal with.
I cringe every time someone calls me strong and she called me that several times today. She said "It's only what, four months now and just look at you, you're going out, you've dealt with so much, you're joking and laughing. You're so strong and I'm not just saying that."
I guess it makes me feel guilty when people call me strong. I feel anything but strong. I look okay but I'm not deep inside. I almost feel like strong gives the impression that I'm over him too quickly. Thinking error I know but that's what it feels like.
I told her about the loneliness, I told her how it feels like a withdrawal some days when I miss him and I told her about that day, how they wouldn't let me see him and how I think I would have rather seen his dead face than his alive-looking face at the funeral home. I didn't feel like I had proper closure, my mind created doubt and outrageous possibilities for why he could still be alive. I'm sorry but I needed someone to use the word dead with me that day, I needed there to be no doubt. Not even the coroner used the word, like who are they saving me or themselves? Dead is dead; passed away means he's gone somewhere, it creates doubt.
I now struggle still against doubt.
I feel guilty for having normal days. Guilty for having people over now that he's gone. Why didn't they come while he was alive? I needed them then too.
I got a message from his old partner tonight, he finally admitted how much he misses him. I knew it. That is why when he was visiting I gave him every opportunity to share his fond memories.
It's so important to keep talking about him, it helps to heal. Unlike my family and his who try to pretend life is just normal again and hardly mention him. I need to talk about him. I need to remember. I need to release the pain. I need people who are going to help me do that.
At the end of the day I got a huge hug - I so needed that hug - and I was given a promise for more contact.
I hope that's true.
Still miss him so much.
D
Deleted member 12723
:hug:
- Post starter
- #516
So my therapist is being kind of annoying. I was crying with her the other day - I was a mess - I told her about two episodes that scared me where all I wanted was to die just to be with my hubby again. The depression / panic gets so bad. So now she's repeatedly checking up on me and the more she does it the more guilt I feel, the more frustrated I get and the worse I feel.
She's pressuring me to call crisis, she's pressuring me to go to a grief support group and she won't listen when I say I can't take it, it makes me feel trapped.
I "ran away" today. I got panicked, I had to get out of the house so I did and as I was doing it I thought, "I don't have to be home by a certain time. I don't have anyone to be there for."
I went to the park. I sat on a picnic table fishing for two hours and then did a short 45 minute hike. I came home in time to watch the hockey game.
I think about him every minute, I swear, it's constant. I see a dragonfly and think "is that you?" A bird lands fearlessly too close to me, "Is that you?" A fish jumps out of the water in front of me, "Is that you?"
And then, "Where are you? Please, I still need you."
I am just upset that I am open and up front about those crisis times and my T over reacts. This is why people don't say anything, you feel like a criminal and like u can't be trusted. I hate being forced to make promises I know I can't keep.
I can't promise to "stay alive". I can't. I feel horrible being forced to lie about something I know I cannot promise. The FACT is that if someone is going to die in the moment, there is nothing anyone can do about that. I feel horrible, as though I'm lying to her because I know even I can't predict if I will survive.
I'm not saying I'm planning to die either, I'm merely saying my husband died by suicide, he succumbed suddenly to a crisis compounded by high stress and possibly hidden depression he may have not even known of or acknowledged to himself.
To me, it was sudden, it came out of nowhere. His own dr didn't see anything untoward. I am saying, if it can happen to him, it can happen the same way for me and thousands of others.
I'm going to fight, that's all I can promise. Apparently this is not enough and It's very stressful to me.
I'm trying. I'm trying to become independent, I feel like I'm being forced to accelerate that process when I'm not ready. My T wants me volunteering again, going to group meetings, starting to envision a work hardening program for my future - I start to feel like my chest is being squeezed and I can't breathe. Pressure. Pressure. Pressure. "Get better already!!!!"
Uggh. I wish hubby was here to help me. I need his calming voice. I need his hugs. I still needed him!!
I miss him, it's like withdrawal.
She's pressuring me to call crisis, she's pressuring me to go to a grief support group and she won't listen when I say I can't take it, it makes me feel trapped.
I "ran away" today. I got panicked, I had to get out of the house so I did and as I was doing it I thought, "I don't have to be home by a certain time. I don't have anyone to be there for."
I went to the park. I sat on a picnic table fishing for two hours and then did a short 45 minute hike. I came home in time to watch the hockey game.
I think about him every minute, I swear, it's constant. I see a dragonfly and think "is that you?" A bird lands fearlessly too close to me, "Is that you?" A fish jumps out of the water in front of me, "Is that you?"
And then, "Where are you? Please, I still need you."
I am just upset that I am open and up front about those crisis times and my T over reacts. This is why people don't say anything, you feel like a criminal and like u can't be trusted. I hate being forced to make promises I know I can't keep.
I can't promise to "stay alive". I can't. I feel horrible being forced to lie about something I know I cannot promise. The FACT is that if someone is going to die in the moment, there is nothing anyone can do about that. I feel horrible, as though I'm lying to her because I know even I can't predict if I will survive.
I'm not saying I'm planning to die either, I'm merely saying my husband died by suicide, he succumbed suddenly to a crisis compounded by high stress and possibly hidden depression he may have not even known of or acknowledged to himself.
To me, it was sudden, it came out of nowhere. His own dr didn't see anything untoward. I am saying, if it can happen to him, it can happen the same way for me and thousands of others.
I'm going to fight, that's all I can promise. Apparently this is not enough and It's very stressful to me.
I'm trying. I'm trying to become independent, I feel like I'm being forced to accelerate that process when I'm not ready. My T wants me volunteering again, going to group meetings, starting to envision a work hardening program for my future - I start to feel like my chest is being squeezed and I can't breathe. Pressure. Pressure. Pressure. "Get better already!!!!"
Uggh. I wish hubby was here to help me. I need his calming voice. I need his hugs. I still needed him!!
I miss him, it's like withdrawal.
- Status
Similar posts
- Locked
- Question
Donation drives
Trending content
-
-
What Are You Feeling Today? Not Thinking, Rather Feeling! Can You Identify Yours?
- goingonhope
Comments: 34K -
-
-
-
