- Post starter
- #493
@Sighs, thanks for the suggestion, we were offered cremation jewelry at the funeral home but at the time I thought it was kind of morbid. I am actually kind of thankful that his mother has STILL not made any arrangements to come pick up her share of his ashes because the thought of "splitting him" just makes me uneasy. Right now, he's whole in two separate containers but at least in my mind, he's all here. I think most of this has to do with the fact that going to my sister's house is a huge reminder of the day he died, I still have not fully come to terms with his death, that is going to take me a very long time.
I posted on fb about how I worry about him - when he was alive I worried about him, now that he's dead, that hasn't changed. I worry about stupid things like, is he lonely, is he afraid, is he angry etc. etc. I also worry a lot that he's angry with himself for succeeding in dying when perhaps he didn't actually mean too. You know, the does he regret doing it question that can never be answered. Anyway, I had people telling me that he's with loved ones, he's not in pain anymore, he's happy and being looked after, he's with me in my heart. I think the worst was saying that they've lost loved ones too and essentially get on with my life.
No one can tell me where he is right now. I think that is completely ridiculous to speak like you actually know for sure where he is and what he's doing. No one knows, I don't, no one will ever know until they die what actually happens to us. I know that losing a parent is tragic and circumstances can impact how deeply that affects people, but I've lost two parents too and I know that this loss is different. It feels so inexplicably different this time...more than bloody likely because I was never intimate with either of my parents and the love I gave to them was not In Love it was just Love. I've lost a brother, even though his death was shocking and numbingly tragic, this still feels different. I've also lost four cousins to suicide, an additional three to drowning, four uncles and four aunts to various illnesses, both of my grandparents AND I lost a friend to suicide, and now my husband, so I'm sorry if you think your few "previous losses" equate to this and I should just snap out of it because you did!!! Holy, Grrrrrr!!! Is it just me but was that comment unbelievably insensitive to what I'm trying to deal with here? Am I just blinded by my grief and misinterpreting? Grab the bull by the horns and start living my life!??? Holy F!
I almost blew a gasket when I read that.
It's a little obvious that the person who wrote it has never lost the love of their life and no, mommy and daddy do not count, even sons and daughters of suicides agree that the relationship and the grief are different from losing a spouse to suicide. I read the account of one poor woman who not only lost her mother to suicide when she was a teen but also ended up losing her husband and one daughter to suicide. Stories like that just make me wonder, what in hell is wrong with the universe that some people have to face that much tragedy in their time here on earth!? I'm coming to believe the saying about life on earth actually being the proverbial hell that we must march through.
Three and a half months. Some days I just want to die. Other days I can't picture myself not in the world. Sometimes I'm good and can laugh and carry on like nothing has changed in my life but other times I feel like I'm dragging around a weight that I can't let go of. He is never far from my mind. Never.
Sister and I came out of a store today and there was a construction guy standing nearby working on a paving crew. He looked up at us as we were passing him and I swore it was the medic that was at the scene of my husband's suicide. I was so shocked my mouth almost fell open. Oddly he looked at me as though he also recognized me and he said, "Hi". I couldn't think. I just looked down at the ground in front of me and tried not to burst into tears. I just wanted to start screaming again. I could feel the words bubbling up my throat trying to break free, "He's not dead! Someone tell me he's not dead! Please, I need somebody!" I had to swallow hard and I almost walked right off a curb. My sister took no notice of anything, just kept babbling on about whatever she was going on about. She wondered what was wrong with me when we got to the vehicle - guess I must have looked like I'd seen a ghost.
We spent that day at the beach. As we were walking she said that she sometimes still thinks that he's just away somewhere and that they got it wrong, he didn't actually die. (Makes me wonder if she's somehow reading this.) I looked up and "saw him" coming down the beach toward us. I said, "Oh, did you think that was him too?" There was an older gentleman coming down the beach with a brown jacket, tan baseball cap and tan pants on - dressed exactly how my hubby used to dress.
I do hold onto that delusion too though, so it must be a common thing to think that somehow someway a huge inexplicable mistake was made and he's not dead, he's just gone somewhere and no one is allowed to say where or is even really aware that he's gone. I keep thinking that he got that dream job he was always wishing for - covert operations where he'd have to cease to exist in the world so that he could be deep undercover. Sadly, he applied to a company years ago, I remember him talking about it and all excited but saying he'd never do it because he'd have to leave me and he wouldn't be able to contact me. If only, right?
I touched his finger, it was colder than an ice cube. He was death personified. His entire body was a block of ice and felt like a lead brick. It's odd, I didn't pick him up or anything but that was the sensation I got when I accidentally touched his finger - lead, heavy. How can you feel heavy or lead? But that is exactly what came to mind. Heavy. Lead. It wasn't him anymore, it was a good facsimile but it was not him. There was no life there. There was no "him" even though his face looked so much like he could just start shaking and laughing at me, he couldn't. The HE I knew wasn't there.
No one can tell me where he is or isn't. I can't feel him and this is very disturbing to me. Will I ever be able to feel / sense him? I do when I'm at the park, it's like he's standing behind me watching my back just like he used too but other than when I'm in bed, I get no "sense" of him anywhere else with me. I want to feel him with me wherever I go. I want to know he's with me but I can never KNOW for sure.
I can feel him hold my hand in my dreams. It feels real and then I wake up and I'm sad. I think I shed tears every morning. I can never have him back. He killed himself, whether he meant too or not, he did. I can't change that. He can't change that. This is just how it has to be now.
I don't like how it is now. I'm with people and I'm lonely. I miss him.
I posted on fb about how I worry about him - when he was alive I worried about him, now that he's dead, that hasn't changed. I worry about stupid things like, is he lonely, is he afraid, is he angry etc. etc. I also worry a lot that he's angry with himself for succeeding in dying when perhaps he didn't actually mean too. You know, the does he regret doing it question that can never be answered. Anyway, I had people telling me that he's with loved ones, he's not in pain anymore, he's happy and being looked after, he's with me in my heart. I think the worst was saying that they've lost loved ones too and essentially get on with my life.
No one can tell me where he is right now. I think that is completely ridiculous to speak like you actually know for sure where he is and what he's doing. No one knows, I don't, no one will ever know until they die what actually happens to us. I know that losing a parent is tragic and circumstances can impact how deeply that affects people, but I've lost two parents too and I know that this loss is different. It feels so inexplicably different this time...more than bloody likely because I was never intimate with either of my parents and the love I gave to them was not In Love it was just Love. I've lost a brother, even though his death was shocking and numbingly tragic, this still feels different. I've also lost four cousins to suicide, an additional three to drowning, four uncles and four aunts to various illnesses, both of my grandparents AND I lost a friend to suicide, and now my husband, so I'm sorry if you think your few "previous losses" equate to this and I should just snap out of it because you did!!! Holy, Grrrrrr!!! Is it just me but was that comment unbelievably insensitive to what I'm trying to deal with here? Am I just blinded by my grief and misinterpreting? Grab the bull by the horns and start living my life!??? Holy F!
I almost blew a gasket when I read that.
It's a little obvious that the person who wrote it has never lost the love of their life and no, mommy and daddy do not count, even sons and daughters of suicides agree that the relationship and the grief are different from losing a spouse to suicide. I read the account of one poor woman who not only lost her mother to suicide when she was a teen but also ended up losing her husband and one daughter to suicide. Stories like that just make me wonder, what in hell is wrong with the universe that some people have to face that much tragedy in their time here on earth!? I'm coming to believe the saying about life on earth actually being the proverbial hell that we must march through.
Three and a half months. Some days I just want to die. Other days I can't picture myself not in the world. Sometimes I'm good and can laugh and carry on like nothing has changed in my life but other times I feel like I'm dragging around a weight that I can't let go of. He is never far from my mind. Never.
Sister and I came out of a store today and there was a construction guy standing nearby working on a paving crew. He looked up at us as we were passing him and I swore it was the medic that was at the scene of my husband's suicide. I was so shocked my mouth almost fell open. Oddly he looked at me as though he also recognized me and he said, "Hi". I couldn't think. I just looked down at the ground in front of me and tried not to burst into tears. I just wanted to start screaming again. I could feel the words bubbling up my throat trying to break free, "He's not dead! Someone tell me he's not dead! Please, I need somebody!" I had to swallow hard and I almost walked right off a curb. My sister took no notice of anything, just kept babbling on about whatever she was going on about. She wondered what was wrong with me when we got to the vehicle - guess I must have looked like I'd seen a ghost.
We spent that day at the beach. As we were walking she said that she sometimes still thinks that he's just away somewhere and that they got it wrong, he didn't actually die. (Makes me wonder if she's somehow reading this.) I looked up and "saw him" coming down the beach toward us. I said, "Oh, did you think that was him too?" There was an older gentleman coming down the beach with a brown jacket, tan baseball cap and tan pants on - dressed exactly how my hubby used to dress.
I do hold onto that delusion too though, so it must be a common thing to think that somehow someway a huge inexplicable mistake was made and he's not dead, he's just gone somewhere and no one is allowed to say where or is even really aware that he's gone. I keep thinking that he got that dream job he was always wishing for - covert operations where he'd have to cease to exist in the world so that he could be deep undercover. Sadly, he applied to a company years ago, I remember him talking about it and all excited but saying he'd never do it because he'd have to leave me and he wouldn't be able to contact me. If only, right?
I touched his finger, it was colder than an ice cube. He was death personified. His entire body was a block of ice and felt like a lead brick. It's odd, I didn't pick him up or anything but that was the sensation I got when I accidentally touched his finger - lead, heavy. How can you feel heavy or lead? But that is exactly what came to mind. Heavy. Lead. It wasn't him anymore, it was a good facsimile but it was not him. There was no life there. There was no "him" even though his face looked so much like he could just start shaking and laughing at me, he couldn't. The HE I knew wasn't there.
No one can tell me where he is or isn't. I can't feel him and this is very disturbing to me. Will I ever be able to feel / sense him? I do when I'm at the park, it's like he's standing behind me watching my back just like he used too but other than when I'm in bed, I get no "sense" of him anywhere else with me. I want to feel him with me wherever I go. I want to know he's with me but I can never KNOW for sure.
I can feel him hold my hand in my dreams. It feels real and then I wake up and I'm sad. I think I shed tears every morning. I can never have him back. He killed himself, whether he meant too or not, he did. I can't change that. He can't change that. This is just how it has to be now.
I don't like how it is now. I'm with people and I'm lonely. I miss him.
