Sick Of Being Tormented By The Past

[Bolt_On]

After the 2nd time I was raped, things haven't been the same and my sense of self slips further away as time marches on. Rarely does anything seem fun, fulfilling or worthwhile. Very little motivation to get anywhere in life. My self-esteem is extremely low because I feel ugly as hell and tainted. I feel like a sex toy with consciousness. Can't seem to maintain or find decent relationships, partially due to sex being difficult. Basically no family. Few friends and I can't tell if I'm really myself around them or not. It's like I forgot pieces of who I even am. Not a day goes by where I don't think about what happened, sometimes having flashbacks. I think about getting revenge a lot and it can't be healthy. The only emotions I seem to feel on a regular basis anymore are hate, anger, fear, sadness or absolute nothingness. The void.

I wish I could connect with other people, but it's like my heart won't allow it. The heart is too scared to get burned again by people claiming to be lovers or friends, leaving me awfully lonely.

Sick of suffering. Sick of existing only to hurt more instead of healing. I don't want to be alive anymore and I wish the rapists were dead, so no one else can get hurt.

 

[Coraline]

After the 2nd time I was raped, things haven't been the same and my sense of self slips further away as...

Your words are my thoughts put to paper. While I wish that you weren't struggling with these traumas, it is somewhat reassuring to know that there are others like me. Detached. Alone. Tired. It will get better.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I know the feeling all too well :/. About once is enough for going through that, can't imagine twice.
It's a bad feeling, feeling like you're all alone in this, and you need everything to be different, all at once. That you want not to be feeling how you feel, being the way you are, right at that moment. I wish there was a quick fix, but there isn't.
Things do get better, with time and effort and so on...But here is an advice I wish I had followed 3 years ago: get yourself into therapy. Right now. Even with good friends, the support which they can provide in this, unless they have experienced it(and even then) is limited, and it's not enough. In the last 3 years I got better and worse, better and worse, and eventually got so much anxiety issues I had to start medication. I am now on it, plus I started going to psychologist/psychiatrist(she has double degree) weekly. I also started reframing my priorities.
When you are so down, it seems like a priority is to have your life looked like it did when you were last happy or okay...but you can't get okay overnight. So priority is to get better. Healthier. Going through rape feels nothing like being sick...But it is, in a way. It's tremendous stress on your body, your mind, your health. So therapy is a priority, and then all else. PM if you feel like venting/talking.

 

[Bloomy]

Ive gone through some rapes in my life. Never thought Id say this, but seekingafrica is right in that by time and work for healing it do gets better. Also with the knowledge of what happens to a traumatized body and mind. Distance to the memory is actually a healing factor in it self.

I will always feel like I need revenge. The things I want to do to certain people will always be there I belive. And I accept that. Its natural. When someone or someones hurt you that bad its normal reaction.

Also I want to add that after joining this site Ive healed a whole lot thanks to understanding and good support of fellow members.

I wish you all blessings and that you will start the rugged path towards healing for a better life to which you deserve.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

Agreed - time, support here and therapy are healers.

 

[FauxLiz]

Bolt I have to agree with everyone here, as hard as it is reach out, find someone that you can talk to, make sure that you don't isolate, blame yourself, hide in shame or let this take your life from you. I was raped three times between 16 and 20, I never told a soul, I was too ashamed, guilty and felt so worthless I thought that no one would believe me.I "survived" for years holding on by a thread with all the symptoms of PTSD. My final breakdown didn't happen until I had a teenage daughter that started dating and I was terrified the same thing would happen to her. Please get help now, I look back at the 25 years that I didn't and now my trauma work is so much harder because I continued to allow the cycle to repeat with so many other abusive and self abusive coping skills.

 

[Bolt_On]

Yes... I really do wish I could feel better instantly. My dad and step-mom were narcissistic, cold people that would tear me down every chance they had from 5 years old onward. I remember wanting to not exist at that same young age, scratching my face and body hard as I could until it bled. also involved me in an psychologically abusive religion that could be considered a cult, so I already had a lot of problems before it happened. Can't remember the last time I felt happiness or if I've ever truly felt it. I think the closest I came was doing MDMA or my first long-term relationship.

I'm in therapy and have been for the past few months, flashbacks have become less frequent, don't have fits of rage as often. So it works to some extent. Regardless of the symptoms becoming slightly tamed, I still don't know how to feel good about myself. Don't know how to feel connected to the world. I went to a session about three days ago and my therapist asked me if I could think of any reasons I have for living, couldn't think of any solid ones. She didn't want me to leave the office and seemed to want me to go the ward, but talked my way out of it.

As for the isolating thing, I try to get out and see friends at least once or twice a week even if I don't feel like it. Sometimes it makes me more depressed, because they all have problems too and dump them on me. I don't feel like I can talk about my problems in full because they have been belittled in the past or even recently. I feel so trapped in my own mind with no escape.