Accepting The Reality I'll Never Experience Love

[Bragado Jansing]

Hello everyone,

I'm reflecting on my life and I'm realizing that I'll probably never experience love or kindness in my lifetime. Frankly, I have no idea what it even is, and in my 30s, I really have no interest in discovering it. I couldn't find it even if I tried in all honesty. Do you know what "flarrgensnau" is? Well, that's what "love" is to me. This unknowable concept that has no ... thing to it.

What does a person in my position do to experience this "love"? Romantically? Romantic love depends on things like money, career, fitness, and previous experience knowing how to love, the third key essential is what I'm lacking here. It's also fickle as people have known since the dawn of man. I can't have kids, so that's out of the question.

Anyone else live and enjoy life without love? I'm trying to figure out the best way I can do this. I figure having a career, hobbies, and other things like that will be enough. I'm sure I'll have relationships and things like that, but love is out of the question. I'm going to have to figure it out because that's what my fate is.

Ideas are most welcome. Thanks!

 

[scout86]

There are a lot of kinds of love.

I love my dogs. I love my car. I love my job. I guess I love my friends. Some of them even love me back. (The dogs, I'm pretty sure!)

I don't know if you really need "previous experience knowing how to love" to be in a loving relationship. I think what you need, more than anything else, is someone who's willing to love the person you really are. To see that person and love them. You don't need money, or looks, or the ability to have kids. Just the willingness to accept someone else for who they are, and to want them to be the very best version of themselves they can be, and they need to be able to do the same for you.

I'll grant that's tall order. I think you need to be open to the possibilities. :)

 

[Bragado Jansing]

There are a lot of kinds of love.

I love my dogs. I love my car. I love my job. I guess I love my frie...

I'm in America and we work most of our lives away with little free time and no legally mandated vacation. I'm not sure I'd even have the free time to discover "love". If we were ethical like every other country in the civilized world? Maybe I'd have a chance. But here I have to dedicate the vast majority of my waking hours to work and career in order to keep a roof over my head and food in my stomach, and this includes keeping my skills up to date.

In the past I've loved jobs, but I've seen how employers treat employees here -- I was tortured, sexually harassed, and thrown out like a piece of garbage at my last job and barely just made it out of becoming homeless because I worked my butt off to get a quality education in law school. The last thing I want to do is love a job again. People spat on my car and threw garbage all over it when I bought a beater to save money, I'd rather not love a car. I've loved pets before but they were used against me, so I'd rather not love them, either!

I thought a woman loved me once, but she later admitted she was using me to get US citizenship. Another one was a woman who my parents made me date who basically raped me for 3 years because I was disabled.

My life has been and will truly be devoid of any love. To hell with it, I think. I'm just going to do whatever the hell I want at this point, and die like I should have when I was a kid.

 

[The Albatross]

How much of this has to do with you're child abuse? How much of this is depressive cycling?

 

[The Albatross]

Scout was trying to point out that there are other forms of "love" than romantic love... yet with a reasonable expectation of a life span of 65-90 for most, in your 30's you're confusing I think your experience so far, and also lack of experience with relational "love" with the possible unrealistic expectation that "as you are now at this time" is how you will "always" be. Life just ain't that way. Can it be better? Yeah. Can it get worse, well heck yeah but it's your call.

When I read your post I hear depression talking but you aren't calling that... you're shifting it away from yourself. But maybe that's just where you are right now.

 

[The Albatross]

P.S. The thing about "not having time" is pretty much bull shit. If it is a life goal or need/want/desire... you bring your life into balance and you make time to actualize what you want as an adult. That's what adults do.

 

[Bragado Jansing]

P.S. The thing about "not having time" is pretty much bull shit. If it is a life goal or need/want/desire... you bring your life into balance and you make time to actualize what you want as an adult. That's what adults do.

Then why does every other civilized country on earth mandate things like expansive vacation time and leave? It's not what adults do, it's that Americans are exploited and they accept this exploitation when every other citizen on earth realizes it's ridiculous.

Employment issues aside, I'm not sure if it's depression, or just the reality of my life. Because these are things that I experienced in life. And these bad experiences are a result of me lacking some pretty fundamental knowledge that I realize other people have. And I have no idea how to get this knowledge at this point in life when it seems to be pretty essential to functioning properly.

I've tried to see therapists, but I was sexually harassed and abused by them, too. I tried everything, and got the living crap beat out of me at every turn, with nothing to show for it except knowledge that life can be pretty f*cked up, and with no bright side.

 

[The Albatross]

So lemme get this straight, you don't know how to or if you will experience romantic love yet even though this is obviously something important, cuz it is something worthy of posting about... it's an employers fault for the US not being like "every other civilized country on earth" (which is debatable by the way) instead of you taking up your own cause and endeavoring to create situations to actualize what you want?

Me and Scout are both in the US and guess what I don't get a paid vacation either... though there are still some professions that have them.

You are not alone in being sexually taken advantage of by a therapist... there are various members here who have had those experiences, but I'm sorry that it happened to you.

I'm reading an unrequited want/need/desire... some hefty frustration and yeah depression.

 

[The Albatross]

This is the down low about life experiences... if you don't learn skills to cope and deal with them (I call it adversity training or boot camp) then they pile up and become unbearable... eventually you can't carry the load. But that's what learning how to cope and learning new things is for... things that were never modeled for us (children of abuse), things where we are stunted in maturity... it can happen ya know.

You're relatively new here... hang around for a while? There' a bunch of people dealing with a bunch of stuff... but there's a lot to learn here.

 

[The Albatross]

Look I know all about avoidance... I'm a product of child abuse too. I also know that life is not static... it is not impossible to actualize a good deal of what you want... provided that you are willing to learn, do risk assessments, make choices and TRY? Personally I'm a lower risk person... risk taking is hard for me BUT... as an adult the life I have and what I actualize out of it is up to me, k?

 

[EveHarrington]

Bragado-----

You're right in that there isn't necessarily enough time. With PTSD it's not so easy as making time for what you want when needs trump all.

Give me more "spoons" and I'll show you someone who has time and energy for a relationship.

 

[The Albatross]

What? There are a good many of people here, with PTSD who have relationships.

Chist, you do realize Eve you're enabling a newer member to blame a relational issue on not getting a vacation right?