Changing Plans Is So Hard

[sun seeker]

Anyone else have this problem? It depends how attached I was to whatever the plan was that someone is changing on me, but I have meltdowns of epic proportions when I think I know what is happening and then others involved change the plan. I'm sure it is about security - my life feels so precarious, I feel like I need to know what I can count on and then when people want to change it, I fall apart. Instead of thinking calmly about how to shift to accommodate the change, I react as if the end of the world had just been announced. I'm up late trying to calm down from just such an episode. Not having a very good night.

 

[sun seeker]

God, I'm as helpless as a baby sometimes. Not a good night at all. Can feel benzoids starting to work. I'll try to get some sleep.

 

[ghotiff]

There is a character trait called "slow to adapt". I think I was born this way and trauma made it worse. Hopefully you are now asleep, but I'm here if you want to chat.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

@sun seeker Does being caught off guard have anything to do with how you feel?

 

[sun seeker]

It scares be because it brings up huge insecurity, and then I don't dare say to the people who change plans how I feel because I am afraid of being abandoned if I'm not "nice." I also feel I don't have a right to say what I need and should be more understanding. That's part of it. Anything that brings up fear of abandonment snowballs. It's like it has tentacles. In this case, it's because my therapist changed my appointment day, which would have been all right except he changed it to a day I had just filled with other commitments, so I felt trapped between really, really needing the appointment and not feeling like I could change the plans I'd already made (work) because the clients are new and I want to do a good job and need both the money and the good reputation. So I was caught between two of my biggest issues at once: abandonment and survival. My ability to cope was next to zero.

Yes, some of it is being caught off guard for sure. It feels like any situation where I start to feel safe is so delicate and fragile, it can be torn away from me with no notice so I always have to be watching. My therapist knows all this and would be fine with me bringing it up, but there is a long time between now and then and the crisis is now.

 

[sun seeker]

Oh, and simultaneously to all that, I have a client who drives me crazy changing plans, doesn't get in touch when she is supposed to and then springs requests on me to do piles of work at short notice. This is her character and not likely to change, but it really brings up my feelings about not being appreciated or respected enough to stick with plans. It doesn't affect me as much as changes of plan from someone I have a strong attachment to, but it's a stressor nonetheless.

I am probably blowing all this out of proportion, but I really, really wish I could count on people in my life to be there for me consistently. All this definitely ties into a long line of people not being there for me in a way I could count on and all the helplessness that brings up.

 

[sun seeker]

I went away and thought, and cried some more, and remembered how many times I have given up things I needed or wanted to do, like work or study, because the need for secure attachment came first.

Now I am trying to find room for both, and I'm scared out of my wits that it won't be possible.

 

[sun seeker]

This has hit me very, very hard. Feels like I'm spinning deeper and deeper into crisis mode. Like I'll never be okay again.

 

[EveHarrington]

I personally struggle with last minute stuff. People don't understand that the nature of what I deal with means that I need to plan ahead. I really thought it over and I came to the conclusion that it's not about me just being inflexible for no real reason------my reasons are real and valid.

 

[sun seeker]

I guess it's just hard for people to understand other people's reasons if they haven't been there. @EveHarrington, I think I hear what you are saying - to deal with your symptoms you have to plan ahead and it messes things up for you if people change that.

My reasons are different, but again hard to understand for someone who hasn't been there. I think even though my therapist kind of understands this, it doesn't really register in the moment that he needs to change plans what a big problem it will bring up for me. My client, well, she's a case unto herself. She brings up other stuff in me, like not being respected or appreciated.

 

[sun seeker]

I really, really wish I could count on people in my life to be there for me consistently. All this definitely ties into a long line of people not being there for me in a way I could count on and all the helplessness that brings up.

That is the crux of the matter for me. This goes a long, long way back. Way more complicated than changing an appointment date. I had to take an extra dose of benzoids this morning, there is only so deeply I can grieve without being completely flooded.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

@sun seeker It sounds to me like you are truly doing the best you can in this crises you are currently experiencing. I remember when I was so like you many, many years ago. One thing though that having to wait on unpredictable people and their requests jump my overreactivity. I hate waiting on people who are not respecting my boundaries.

I have so much to learn. But it really sounds like you have all bases covered and are telling it like it is for you. At one time in my life as a young adult I did not know how to set boundaries and limits on people and sometimes it is still hard for me.

I think peace of mind is a great gift for us when it comes. Is there any way that you are are able to site the boundaries of your buisiness and tell her? I understand just how difficult this is and it seems like this disturbed and selfish client is steamrolling you. :hug: